"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful.
I am waiting on your Lord, though it is painful. Patiently I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident. Taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting, I will serve you!
While I'm waiting, I will worship!"
2010 has come and gone and it was not without it's heartache.
So many people say, "don't worry 2011 will be your year". But with all due respect that was said to me in 2010! We had high expectations but unfortunately nothing is guaranteed in life! 2011 didn't start off as we had anticipated either with having yet another miscarriage!
In a way, I feel like this time the disappointment outweighs the sadness. Mike and I just looked at each other and thought, this is ENOUGH, it's getting a bit ridiculous now! What more do we have to do to try keep a baby growing inside me? I stop gyming, drink Green Tea, rest, sleep well, take extra hormones but nothing seems to help!
We spent close to R10 000 after the previous miscarriage doing all sorts of tests to check all sorts of things and everything came back normal. I even had the structural problem in my uterus removed, so why didn't this time work out yet again? What more do I need to do?
Funnily, whenever we are out we seem to get weird stares from other peoples kids or they wander over to say hi and you expecting the parents to run up and grab them. One day Mike and I were sitting at The Meeting Place having a coffee and this little boy came up to us and just stood next to our table and stared at us! After a while of cooing and saying hi, the father came over and picked the kid up and took him back to their table - Mike turned to me and asked "Why is it that other peoples kids seem to like us but our own kids don't want to stick around?"
We had to laugh - sometimes finding humour on these situations is a way of coping!
I have often wondered if people believe that God is good even when it hurts or life isn't going according to plan? People often say, "wow, God is good" when something good has happened to them, but can they really say that when things don't work out the way they hoped?
That has been something that I have had to figure out for myself!
After the 1st miscarriage, I couldn't bring myself to going to church. Eventually, we started re-appearing but I remember standing there saying to God, well, Im here but don't expect me to sing to you. I would just stand there the entire worship time with tears pouring down my cheeks! Why couldn't God.... who is king of the universe....... save my little baby, just help it grow! Did we do something to deserve this? Is there something we didn't do that we should have done?
Others have no problem falling preg and don't even give it a second thought that they might lose it?
All these were very very relevant questions that I really grappled with!
I can confidently stand here and say to this day, that God is still Good, loving gracious and majestic no matter what happens in life! I want to get through to the end of my life and stand before God, and he says to me - "Well done, my good and faithful servant! You had some bumps along the way, but you were faithful, you persevered!" God has felt my pain and seen all my tears!
God is not just good in the good times but when the road is bumpy too!
Friday
Today I saw you crying
I sent you lots of love
I hope that you can feel it
I'm here just up above
Today I jumped from cloud to cloud
And flew across the sky
And God told me all about you
And why you often cry
He told me that you were special
And your love for me is so deep
He told me that one day I'll meet you here
And in your arms I'll leap
I met a nice man the other day
He sat me on his knee
He told me that he knew you, Mom
And do you know what else he told me?
He told me all about you
About your pretty face
About your kindness, love and joy
About your sweet grace
I told that man I knew you
Cause we were once so close
I grew in your belly, Mommy
Just beneath your clothes
I told that man you talked to me
And prayed for me each night
And how I felt your love right there
And how you would hug me tight
No, you're not a stranger, Mom
Although we're now apart
It's really not that far, Mommy
I know I'm in your heart
I can't wait to see you, Mommy
God says you'll be here soon
Until then, I'm with you
And I love you to the moon
I sent you lots of love
I hope that you can feel it
I'm here just up above
Today I jumped from cloud to cloud
And flew across the sky
And God told me all about you
And why you often cry
He told me that you were special
And your love for me is so deep
He told me that one day I'll meet you here
And in your arms I'll leap
I met a nice man the other day
He sat me on his knee
He told me that he knew you, Mom
And do you know what else he told me?
He told me all about you
About your pretty face
About your kindness, love and joy
About your sweet grace
I told that man I knew you
Cause we were once so close
I grew in your belly, Mommy
Just beneath your clothes
I told that man you talked to me
And prayed for me each night
And how I felt your love right there
And how you would hug me tight
No, you're not a stranger, Mom
Although we're now apart
It's really not that far, Mommy
I know I'm in your heart
I can't wait to see you, Mommy
God says you'll be here soon
Until then, I'm with you
And I love you to the moon
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