I haven't added an entry for a while and I was thinking about my life over the last few weeks and was filled with anxious feelings.
I feel I have been through the darkest days I have ever experienced. It's a very scary place to be in.
I felt I had been living a lie - pretending to everyone that I was alright and ok. When in actual fact that was FAR from the truth!
After getting to lowest point of not even caring if I didn't wake up ever again I was hospitalised in Kenilworth clinic for 2 weeks during the school holidays. That was a very scary step to take, but looking back, it was the bravest step I have ever taken and the best thing I could have done for myself. I needed to be honest - honest to myself and honest to others as to how I have been gripped by depression and anxiety for too long!
I had to be honest with my psychiatrist about all the events that happened to me in the days leading up to the hospitalization. That was not easy for me - I was really wearing my heart on my sleeve - not something I like doing.
The clinic was amazing - the things I learnt about myself - the people I met. It saddens me that the perception of these clinics is far from the truth. We think of it being a 'loony bin' with psychos rocking themselves in a corner of the room!
But the people there are completely normal people - all just struggling to make sense of some life change that has happened. Divorce, abuse thats been happening for years and people dealing with post traumatic stress. I watched people come and go. They came in looking so defeated by life and left looking stronger and more empowered. A whole new lightness came over these people.
I felt I have come out a whole new person. yes, I still have days where I struggle but I feel I have the tools needed to get through those days and not let it get the better of me!
I have NO idea what our future looks like and if it involves children or not. A pill thats not easy to swallow, but this is life and it doesn't always bring WHAT you want and WHEN you want it.
A verse that was with me the whole time was PSALM 34 v18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I was definitely brokenhearted and my spirit was very much crushed!
There is a saying that when days are dark, friends are few. But I have some of the most amazing friends who care so much! People underestimate how much an sms means when someone is feeling low. Some special friends came and came me quick visits and hugs and laughs in the clinic and it meant more than what they will ever know!
