"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful.
I am waiting on your Lord, though it is painful. Patiently I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident. Taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting, I will serve you!
While I'm waiting, I will worship!"
2010 has come and gone and it was not without it's heartache.
So many people say, "don't worry 2011 will be your year". But with all due respect that was said to me in 2010! We had high expectations but unfortunately nothing is guaranteed in life! 2011 didn't start off as we had anticipated either with having yet another miscarriage!
In a way, I feel like this time the disappointment outweighs the sadness. Mike and I just looked at each other and thought, this is ENOUGH, it's getting a bit ridiculous now! What more do we have to do to try keep a baby growing inside me? I stop gyming, drink Green Tea, rest, sleep well, take extra hormones but nothing seems to help!
We spent close to R10 000 after the previous miscarriage doing all sorts of tests to check all sorts of things and everything came back normal. I even had the structural problem in my uterus removed, so why didn't this time work out yet again? What more do I need to do?
Funnily, whenever we are out we seem to get weird stares from other peoples kids or they wander over to say hi and you expecting the parents to run up and grab them. One day Mike and I were sitting at The Meeting Place having a coffee and this little boy came up to us and just stood next to our table and stared at us! After a while of cooing and saying hi, the father came over and picked the kid up and took him back to their table - Mike turned to me and asked "Why is it that other peoples kids seem to like us but our own kids don't want to stick around?"
We had to laugh - sometimes finding humour on these situations is a way of coping!
I have often wondered if people believe that God is good even when it hurts or life isn't going according to plan? People often say, "wow, God is good" when something good has happened to them, but can they really say that when things don't work out the way they hoped?
That has been something that I have had to figure out for myself!
After the 1st miscarriage, I couldn't bring myself to going to church. Eventually, we started re-appearing but I remember standing there saying to God, well, Im here but don't expect me to sing to you. I would just stand there the entire worship time with tears pouring down my cheeks! Why couldn't God.... who is king of the universe....... save my little baby, just help it grow! Did we do something to deserve this? Is there something we didn't do that we should have done?
Others have no problem falling preg and don't even give it a second thought that they might lose it?
All these were very very relevant questions that I really grappled with!
I can confidently stand here and say to this day, that God is still Good, loving gracious and majestic no matter what happens in life! I want to get through to the end of my life and stand before God, and he says to me - "Well done, my good and faithful servant! You had some bumps along the way, but you were faithful, you persevered!" God has felt my pain and seen all my tears!
God is not just good in the good times but when the road is bumpy too!
Oh Sandi, your words are beautiful and so honest. I don't have a clue about what you have experienced, but I do know and agree that God is good and I am thankful that he has given me such a strong example of a woman as you. xxx
ReplyDeleteWow Sandi - such a powerful piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it. I'm so proud of you - you are such an inspiration! I'm sure many will find encouragement from this. God IS good:) Big love xxx
ReplyDeleteWow Sands,
ReplyDeleteI am so terribly sorry you had to feel such serious pain, twice. I can't begin to imagine what that must be like. But I can tell you that simply by reading your blog, I can tell that God has used those event to grow you as a woman of wisdom and strength. And a woman of encouragement!
Thanks for the very real, much needed words.
Thank you for the vulnerability and the courage you display my dear friend. I am still with you every step of this journey.xx
ReplyDeleteSandi
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing so honestly. I really wish you never had to go through something this painful, let alone 3 times. There aren't always answers, we sometimes have no way of knowing why some people have such a bitter cup to drink and others seem to never encounter any problems, or their problems seem to tiny compared to our own. For now we only know in part. You were honest with the Lord, just as Job was, and I'm reminded that the Lord restored to Job everything that was taken away from him. I pray that your heart's desire will be fulfilled and you'll be able to find meaning through all of this sadness.
I've found a poem which I hope will bring you comfort:
Far away from fear and death
Do my children play;
Never to know the sting of sin
On their spotless soul;
Never to know a single tear
Nor stab of searing pain.
In the Father’s arms are they,
His face do they behold.
In arms of tender comfort
They rest in loving cheer;
Salty taste of tears
Never to crease their face;
Not burnt by scorching sun
Nor chilled by thunderous storms.
Untouched by earthly shadows
And haunting pangs of night,
They giggle in golden warmth
And snuggle in contented glee.
Lifted higher than dreams can go,
They soar above
The failings of earth
And thrive in the love
Of the Father
Whose tender grace sparkles
And wondrous ways smile
With endless delight.
Yet my arms feel empty.
With painful chest
I long to hold them
To my breast;
To see their smiling faces
And ease my painful fears.
Yet this I know:
They are safe
In the Master’s care.
And I shall see them face to face
And hold them when I’m there.
They’ve breezed their way to Paradise.
How smooth their getting there;
So free from blame and shame.
More pain than them I’ve known,
Yet our destiny’s the same.
Their journey there was easy;
Long and hard is mine.
But whether quick or long,
We will meet again.
Till then, my loves, rest easy.
Behold his face and rejoice
Without a single fear.
I shall come to you some day
And you shall dry my tears,
As I weep in joy
To see your cheery face.
And even now at times
I think I hear your giggles,
But rest, my loves, in his arms,
Till I am with you there.
http://net-burst.net/hope/baby_in_heaven.htm
Wow Sandi, Seems all your expressed feelings and pain are so similar to my feelings and pain all those years ago. And take heart God has allowed this in your lives,not sure why, but nothing happens to us that takes God by surprise. The refining process and what we do with it is what is important.
ReplyDeleteHere's another Poem from a stranger in grief.
You don,t know me across these many miles
I just hope this crude poem may cause you to smile.
I learned that you lost like I lost through the "Saint John,s News" which always gets me crying and turns on the blues.
but there is something magical and majestic in its sheets. For it tells of strangers' grief whom I'll never meet.
Communicating through newsletters is a crazy thing. But what is more poignant than to read what it brings.
My message to you is short and it's true I just want you to know that I am sorry for you.
I just want you to know that I'm "bargaining" too, if I get one, I'll accept for me and for you.
I just want you to know that your anger makes me mad.
I just want you to know that your sorrow makes me sad.
And when you are feeling really low, like I sometimes get, just to soften the blow
Feel all the sorrow that is yours and mine, it ebbs and it flows like the grace of the Divine.
feel it and know that you are not alone and sharing the sorrow will help soften the load.
I'm hoping and praying that this will soon be resolved, for me and for you to accept and be proud.
For we've lived through a lot more than most people could and we're trying to learn to be strong and stay good.
So goodbye my distant and unknown friend.
Please think of my thoughts every now and again.
By Mary Hoeller, Indianapolis.
Written many years ago to Compassionate Friends.
Love mom.
Good to catch up on your story. Not an easy walk this walk of infertility! I pray yours is short!
ReplyDelete