The Traveler

Below is an extract from a book I am reading called "Grieving the child I never knew", by Kathe Wunnenberg.
This book is an amazing book to go through and it has a profound affect on me in the different stages of my grief journey. I can read the same chapter a few months apart but yet it can affect me in such different ways.

I read a lovely analogy of the grief journey in the book and I wanted to share it.
I think everyone grieves in an unique way but I think there are certain aspects which are the same. I know for sure that people need other epeople to walk the road with them. Particularly people who have been through similar experiences.





WHERE AM I GOING AND HOW DO I GET THERE? wondered Traveler as she stared on at the desolate road that seemed to slither endlessly through the dark, barren valley. Instinctively she knew she must travel this route, though she yearned for another.
Accompanied by Loneliness and Uncertainty, Traveler hesitated, then stepped onto the road. Her mood reflected the thundering sky as she trudged forward.

Several mile into her journey, the sky was nearly completely black.
"I'm so weary, I can't go on!" she moaned as she rounded the bend. To her amazement, she saw a moving figure in the distance. She squeezed Uncertainty's hand as she hastened her steps and squinted at the enlarging figure.

"Hello! Who are you? Can you help me in my journey?" She shouted. To her surprise, the figure stopped. Traveller edged closer and sensed that something significant was about to happen. The figure turned and thrust a weathered, calloused hand into Traveller's. The person's grip was firm and confident, as if to communicate, "I've been on this road for a while and I know where I'm going!"
I'm Mentor!"

"Nice to meet you, Mentor! I'm Traveler. have you been on this journey long?"
Mentor nodded as she wied the perspiration from her brow. "I'm familiar with this road," she said as she gazed deep into Traveller's eyes.
"Looks like you could use the company. Do you want to walk with me for a while?"
Traveler sighed. A sense of calm flooded her soul as she paced her stride with Mentor's.

She felt free to laugh, to cry, to share and to probe for answers to her questions. Mile after mile the duo trekked on. With each step Traveller felt more confident. Hearing about the battles won, the lesson's learned and the mistakes made in Mentor's journey was like healing balm on the wounds of her heart.
When Traveler stumbled and fell Mentor quickly helped her up again. "You can make it!" cheered Mentor. With renewed hope Traveler got up and forged ahead, making sure to follow in Mentor's footsteps.

Night decended on the twosome and fear taunted Traveler. "Hold on. Don't let go! I'll lead you!" Mentor exclaimed.
Though weary, Traveler persevered and pressed on behind Mentor through the darkness to the sunrise.

The morning rays of sunshine revealed Others walking beside Traveler. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? she wondered. Normally, Traveler would have ignored them, but something within her urged her to start a conversation. She was amazed to discover that she and Others had such in common.

Traveler hastened her pace and was surprised at the confidence she felt.

MAYBE IM STRONGER BECAUSE IM NOT ALONE IN MY JOURNEY? she thought. I HAVE SOMEONE IN FRONT OF ME TO GUIDE ME AND OTHERS BESIDE ME TO RELATE TO AND ENCOURAGE ME.

WHAT MORE COULD I NEED? wondered Traveler.

As if on cue in response to her thought, a scream pierced the air.
"Hello, I'm lost and I don't know where i am going. Will you help me?"

Immediately Traveler stopped, turned, and looked at the path behind her.

She knew what she must do..........


Your road of grief is personal. It is a continuous journey. The scenery may change through the years and you may may become wiser, but be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to give and recieve support and guidance.

You know you are making progress when...

You know you are making progress when...

You can remember your baby with a smile.
You realise the painful comments others make are made in ignorance.
You reach out to help someone else.
You stop dreading the holidays.
You can sit through a church service without crying.
You can concentrate on something besides your child.
You can find something to thank God for.
You can talk about what happened to your baby without falling apart.
You can tolerate the sound of a baby crying.
You can find something to laugh about.
You can drive by the hospital, doctors rooms or that intersection without screaming and bursting into tears.
You no longer feel exhausted all the time.
You can appreciate a sunset.



I was spending some precious time with my mom today showing her the scrapbook that I have made for the baby's and then she brought out her worn out, tattered-looking folder for the twins she had that died - Sean and Warren. Sean and warren both were born at 26 weeks gestation and died shortly afterwards. My mom never held them or said goodbye.

She still has days where she sits and goes through the folder remembering all that happened. I sat with her looking at cards that she kept, letters she wrote, newspaper articles that were written about her when she started a support group and other things that she holds dear to her heart.

I then found a letter that I had written to the twins (my brothers). My mom found this letter only after I got married. It is written in my immature handwriting and on the same pad of paper that was in the folder. I had obviously been sitting looking through the folder and decided to write a letter to them. This is what my letter said:

Dear Sean and Warren,

I will always remember you.
I will never forget you.
I don't know if you know who I am, I am your big sister, Sandi.
I was 3 yrs old when you were born.
I wish you were both still alive!

I have always wondered what you would look like now.
You would have been in Std 1 this year.
We are living in Cape Town again. After you both died we moved to Joberg for 7 years.
I miss you two!!!!
Lots of love
Sandi

xxx