Dates and Tears

This week has been a challenging one!

I have had many challenges at work that I have faced that I didn't think I would.

That, combined with a baby 'anniversary' didn't help the situation either! I always know when there is an anniversary coming up...... I feel it.

Now, I know most people would think that crazy, but the people who know me will know how good I am at remembering dates. I can remember random people's birthdays from years and years back.

I have always had a knack for dates! (and remembering telephone numbers - weird?)

So dates for me are significant. With having the amount of miscarriages that I have had, one would think that everything would be a blur.... and I suppose to a certain extent the pain is a bit blurred into each other, but every detail, date and time of EACH appt is VERY much clear! I will never forget them - they so part of me.

30 Jan 2011 - I told Mike that he was going to be a Dad again! I will never forget his HUGE smile as he just gave me the BIGGEST hug ever! We both just sat together and talked about our fears this time and the joy we feel as well, and how our attitude must be a positive one and we must just keep praying and be thankful for what we have been given!

2 Feb 2011: 1st blood test - Dr J called to say the HCG levels were low (125) and that I needed to go for repeat bloods. I def took a knock that day, but with support from Mike and friends and family we were convinced and encouraged that this baby is 'the keeper'!

4 Feb 2011: 2nd blood test: Dr J called to say she is very happy with levels - they have MORE than doubled in the last 48 hrs (which they are supposed to do), and that she would like to see me for a scan on the 11 Feb!

Oh my..... I remember thinking 'How am I going to wait THAT long?' I needed a scan advent calender to count down the days!!!

11 Feb 2011: EVENTUALLY!!!! I did not sleep the night before - a bundle of nerves and excitement - not sure what the appt would reveal.

To cut a very long and emotional story short - OUR BABY HAD A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!! We watched it flutter away on the screen - our baby had a heartbeat!!!

I actually have NO words to even begin to try describe that feeling.........

Straight after the appt with our beloved Dr J, Mike went back to work and I met Kathleen for coffee at Cavendish. But before we met there she called to just find out if it was good news or bad news..... WAY too many times before had she got me on the other end of the phone sobbing and saying that the baby had died, so this time she just wanted to prepare herself!!

So we sat down at Mugg and Bean, placed our order and I started to give her a second by second account of what happened at the appt. Eventually when I got to the part about the heartbeat we both just broke down and sobbed at the table with big smiles across our faces!

She knew VERY well how much that heartbeat meant to us and how long we had waited for that moment!

(I get teary eyed just thinking about it). Yes, how long and how much had we LONGED for that moment and now it seems like a distant memory with nothing to show for it!



I don't want to go into the rest of that pregnancy,
I just want to dwell on the indescribable feelings that I was feeling.
I want to just remember that JOY for a few minutes,
I want to remember that thought - Im going to be a mom!

I want to remember that feeling of protection I had towards my baby!

This time last year I was feeling all those feelings - and most of them have come back with a twist!

Yes, I still have moments when I cry, when my heart actually aches for what we have lost - and thats ok.
I have come to know that its ok to feel whatever emotion I feel, and I need to, because its all part of the journey! As I sit here, the tears are just flowing - and thats ok.


We want God to fix all of our problems. God says instead, "I have a purpose for your problems. I want to use your problems to change and to reveal My grace and power to the world. That is the Truth and the Truth WILL set you free.



So yes, there is an empty crib in my house, but I choose to rest in God's plan for it and for My life.

Indescribable

You were loved with a love that is indescribable.

Today I reflect on all you taught me and all you continue to teach me.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would be my path.
A path filled with so many different emotions that can ebb and flow at any given time and in any situation.

My heart is reminded of the hurt when I hear of yet another expectant mom.

Another growing bump.

Another facebook picture.

Another birthday party.

I KNOW today that you are proud of me.
I know you would have wanted things to be different too.




A year ago your little spirit came into being

Your heart starting beating

your body started growing.

Oh what joy and a privilege it was to have you growing in me.

Today my heart is sore but content.

You have given me a new perspective on life, you have shown me over and over again what a strong, supportive husband I have.
And for that I am truly grateful!

New beginnings

A friend of mine sent me this:

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.

That will be the beginning.

- Louis L’Amour

I have been thinking about that over the last little while and I think that it is so true in my life too!
And I feel that it means naturally finished, emotionally finished and spiritually finished!

I had definitely come to that place not so long ago!
I remember a time in my life after the last miscarriage where I honestly thought I would NEVER feel better about myself or about life anymore!

My joy had been taken!



Happiness and joy are very different!

For a long time I could fake my happiness around people - somehow we don't like exposing ourselves and admit we struggling! This lasted until close friends and family saw cracks and I just couldn't pretend anymore!
I was broken inside - grief had completely taken over!
Sadness, loneliness, grief, disappointment and anger had become my constant companion every day and I hated it!

I longed to laugh again - really laugh! I longed to wake up and be excited for the day!

The following verses that have been on my mind lately is:

God makes all things new!

He will turn your mourning into dancing!

In those initial months of grief, you feel so consumed by it all that you cant imagine there ever being light again! Its a place I NEVER wish to go back to and that is a fear I have of ever trying again - as I may need to face that reality again (so the 'safe' place is to not have my own children.)

Its been a year since I fell pregnant for the last time - I remember those initial feelings of .... YAY!!!!!! im pregnant again - well, that lasted a whole 2 seconds and then dread set in!

I feel I have left all that behind in Cape Town! I think its all part of healing. Everywhere I turned reminded me of what I had been through. Even some people did! I have nothing here in Singapore to remind me of the heartache - everything is new and fresh and that what my life feels like at the moment! And it is not a running away feeling - but, wow, it feels amazing to be able to take a clear, full breath in and relax and smile again!

Just when I thought I was all finished........ It was just the beginning!

Im excited about our new beginning! Im excited about all the opportunities to open up!

Surrendering

It still doesn't feel that we are actually living in Singapore!
I still wake up in the mornings and think that Im going to be going back to SA soon!

I LOVE exploring this place - even just going to the supermarket is an adventure!

My feet are not that happy though! They are sore, swollen and tender from all the walking! Back in SA I used to buy shoes coz they looked cute or pretty, now, I have to test out the spongy-ness of them first. Its very difficult to find pretty AND comfortable shoes to walk around in! A good pedi and massage is DEFINITELY what I need!

I do not know how the local woman look so glamourous walking around in their HIGH heels and gorgeous dresses - not perspiring AT ALL??? I look like a wreck when I step out our door into the heat and humdity!



This is what I look like and feel like when I reach my destination .......



I have been thinking a lot about babies this week. Not sure why?

No particular "anniversary" coming up. I have found myself staring at every baby I have seen in the streets or in the shops. There have been a lot of pregnant women around too and after chatting to one of the local lady's here she said that its good luck for the Chinese woman to have a baby this year because it is the year of the dragon in the Chineses calender.

Once again, I have the Glory baby song in my head - the words are just beautiful and so true. If you havent heard it, go and google it on Youtube.

"Heaven will hold you, before we do!"
"Heaven is all you will ever know!"
"We miss you in every way"

Tonight I have got my baby scrapbook out and paged through my book again!

My heart is a little heavy tonight and longing for them again. I think there have been so many new things that I have been experiencing that my mind has been taken off that aspect of my life. But when things go quiet (Mike has gone to see Batman with some friends), my mind goes quiet too and I reflect. I think they would be proud of us today!

Man, I do miss them! I wish they had never left me!

I have been listening to an amazing song called - Mighty to save. Its a common song sung in church.

But there are a few lines that always stick out for me.

"Take me as You find me,
with all my fears and failures.
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow,
everything I believe in.
Now I surrender!"

Those words are incredible! I have many fears.... fears about ever having a baby and ever being pregnant again - and those fears I will have to deal with at some stage.
I have had many failures in my life - I need to surrender it all!

I was encouraged to be reminded about Abraham again and how he was obedient in obeying God when he was told to sacrifice his son. He knew God was faithful and that this was bigger than Himself.
God knew his heart and came through for him by providing a lamb for him to sacrifice.

This son that Abraham had, he had waited MANY MANY years for and I keep thinking about my life and thought, how would I have responded? I def would have questioned.....! Although I have NOT waited as long as Abraham did for a child, I could try to imagine how he felt to be finally given this son and then told to give him up! wow!

"Surrendering" has been very much on my mind and in my heart this week!

I am really missing a lot of things and people this week and have been very grateful for the small blessings throughout my days!

Let the adventure begin.

So we have been in Singapore for about 2 weeks now and what an adventure it has been so far!
We have FINALLY moved into our new place which has been amazing to have our space and finally unpack our bags!
Its still sometimes weird to wake up and think that we have moved here - it still feels like a holiday and that we going to go back home?!

It has been incredibly refreshing to have a change of environment. I think we had got into a definite rut in South Africa and felt that we were 'stuck'. Particularly with our friends moving on and having their babies, we felt 'stuck in a rut' with life being the 'same old, same old'!

It has been great meeting new people too! I love hearing people's stories of where they are from and how they ended up in Singapore! I have also found that we 'fit' in a bit better here as peoples priority is not pro-creating at the moment, so we feel we have a lot in common with people. And those friends who have got kids are passed the 'baby talk' stage. I really do not mean to offend any one when saying that but I am fortunate / or unfortunate (whichever way you want to look at it)at being able to see things from the other side of the baby fence and its not an easy place to be - at all. So I am enjoying not feeling any pressure to pretend im ok when talking about what pram to buy, where to buy nappies or which baby clothes are best!

Some of the people we have met here have kids and we both love all of them and just wish we could take them home with us. Some friends brought their kids to swim at the condo a while back and just watching how Mike interacted with the girls in the pool left me feeling rather teary-eyed! What an amazing dad Mike would make! It was so precious to watch!

I really do miss family and friends, but somehow you need people here more - because they are going to be the family you have here! There are definitely other things I miss too.....

The following 2 pictures used to go hand in hand on a Friday afternoon:





I have definitely become a lot fitter since moving here as you walk EVERYWHERE, and in this humidity and heat - I lose my sense of humour VERY quickly! So this next item is very much missed......



This last item I miss is very special. I cannot find any clothes to fit me from the local shops! They have the most stunning dresses but all made for petite Asians! The only places to shop are expensive places like Gap, Mango and Marks and Spencers.
I walked into a local shop at a plaza the other day and was told by the shop assistant " Dont worry lady, we do stock double XL sizes!"
I feel like a plus plus plus size model here!!!!



I am also very excited about being part of the church here!
We have just felt so at home there! Thats our family here! Its very special getting together on a Sunday and during the week to catch up and just get to know each other! We are all so different and from different nations and countries but yet so similar!
We are very excited for what to come this year at church!

As Ive said before, Mike and I feel we going into a new season of our lives - to leave the heartache and disappointment behind and look ahead to more happy times! :) It doesn't just suddenly change with a change of environment - Ive had a few 'moments' here! Feeling sad for what could have been, but thats all just part of the process - and thats what makes us human!

Thank goodness for skype and internet these days - its connected us with friends and family and we wouldn't have been able to get on without it! :)

Looking forward to having many vistors here in the years to come!

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