Waves of grief.......
Some have described closure as a feeling of peacefulness or returning contentment. Others talk about a "desire to let go and move on". Eventually there comes a day we can look back and think "I have not felt sad" or "I have not felt that awful empty pain inside me for some time" or "being able to laugh and look forward again without feeling guilty and to really think about things other than our loss."
"Although there never is a line drawn that says 'grief ends here', when dealt with in a healthy way it does eventually transmute into a form which we can live with. I remember with great clarity, when some time after my miscarriage a remark reminded me of my loss and I really sobbed to exhaustion. At the time I thought my response inappropriate because it had all happened a while ago. But I now know in retrospect that it was the turning point towards a deeper level of acceptance. It felt like a cleansing of the guilt and hurt and the shadow of that gradually dissipated afterwards.
Even once the grieving process appears to us to be complete it is not uncommon for some of the feelings of loss to return, perhaps on the baby's due date or on the anniversary of the miscarriage. Sometimes, later over the years, something said, thought or done can trigger sad memories. However, if the grieving process has been dealt with in a healthy way, these "anniversary phenomenon" feelings and unexpected reminders should be brief and not overwhelming. Although we never really forget, eventually there is a point of calm acceptance for most people and acknowledgement that the experience changed their lives, also realising it added to their understanding and compassion for others. It can be helpful too, to deliberately remember and give yourself the space to do so if you need it. We light a special candle on these days - and this week that candle will be lit - once again!
Even though Mike and I have moved half way around the world and are experiencing amazing new things - there is still that niggle in our hearts to have children.
To be parents.
Feelings of broodiness are constantly with us.
I sometimes with I could 'switch' my brain off from thinking about it. But I constantly find myself, staring at babies in prams, watching babies interact with their parents at restaurants.
I try to imagine how I would feel to be a child's mom.
I can't actually put words to describe that longing sometimes!
Our first baby should be turning 2 years old this week.
This week I am CHOOSING to be grateful for all I have!
I am CHOOSING to thank God for His faithfulness in our lives!
I am CHOOSING to remain hopeful!
I am CHOOSING to say "It is well with my soul"!
