Sore heart.

It's amazing how I find myself halfway around the world but yet the hurt of the past hasn't left me llike I sort of expected it to.
There is this little niggle of broodiness all the time and my heart aches sometimes- for what we have lost and for the unknown future.

My heart is heavy tonight- I'm feeling sad and I'm missing home!
I particularly feel like I need a hug from my mom- it seemed that 1 hug from my mom would make all of life's problems disappear.
I remember when I was still in school I used to just walk up to my mom if I needed a hug, not say anything and just throw my arms around her neck and she knew exactly what I needed.

Thinking about that just makes my heart ache more - I want to be a mom!

Mike and I went to a pre-adoption talk here in Singapore last night. We just wanted more info on what adoption would entail and if it could be a possibility for us.
While sitting there listening to what the home study entails, it struck me that here someone else decides if you are fit to be parents by scrutinizing every aspect of your personal life, your finances, your marriage and your extended family life.
I had to giggle to myself because I really don't think THIS much thought goes into planning to have your own biological child. It's kinda like " ok let's see what happens and if it happens we will just have to deal with issues that come up".

I know this post may seem 'blah' but that's how I am feeling.
Just 'blah'.
I'm so glad I have Mike! He just knows when and how to be understanding and live me even though he is going through very difficult questions and thoughts at the moment, that I had dealt with a long time ago!

While walking home tonight in the humidity and heat, I was in tears and moaning saying, "we wouldn't be here walking in this heat if we had our babies likewe were supposed to!"

The tears just don't want to stop tonight. I have a very real yearning to just touch my babies and hold them.
It feels like my chest is going to explode. I seldom get this type of feeling but it's very real and difficult when I do!

Perhaps a good nights sleep is what I need and I'll be feeling more positive in the morning!
Xxx