Silent Tears

“Tears are the silent language of grief”

It has been 3 years since I fell pregnant with our first baby and I have been feeling rather sad lately!
The sting and rawness of the pain has gone but that feeling of 'something' missing is still there.

I really don't know how a little being that we never met or got to hold can be missed so much?
It was like we were so connected in those first few weeks - as if I knew the type of person they were going to become, and what they would look like.

I remember lying in the hospital bed in the surgery waiting area and resting my hands on my tummy and literally saying goodbye!
I woke up after the D&C and my first thought was "I'm not pregnant anymore". My baby has now gone.

When we knew that the baby had died and there was no heartbeat, it was only 3 days later that I was booked into hospital.
So for 3 days I knew that my baby was not going to be born but yet I was still carrying it (yes, it was very freaky and weird thinking it was still inside me but yet I was still protecting it) I felt like a mom.

When I woke up after the surgery my heart sank and this immediate empty feeling filled me - I'm not going to be a mom, I'm not pregnant anymore and my baby is now officially and physically gone! It was over now!

I LOVE my time with Mike and I love the fun and adventures we are having but there really is a 'dull' quiet time in the evenings.

I 'miss' bath-time, I 'miss' supper time, I 'miss' bedtime story time.

Even though we never had any of those times I feel like I miss them.

I really ask myself how can I actually miss something I never had - but I honestly do!

My heart is sore but I know that in a few days I will feel lighter, but for now, I'm yearning for what I've lost!