Keeping Busy

"Keeping busy doesn’t heal grief - you just get better at running on the spot!"



Certain things have struck at different times in the last few years.
And lately there has been another "ash ha" moment on my behalf!

I have liked to keep myself busy and surround myself with people all the time because it's when I'm by myself that my true feelings come out! It's those quiet times where I feel a nudge on my heart, where I want to take out the scrapbook I made and just run my fingers over all the scan pics, the little stickers I put in and the letters I wrote.

It's the need for something tangible to touch - so that my feelings are validated.

It's the same with everyone - when you are by yourself, thats when you can be still and the real you can come to the surface.
There are days where I really might be having a sad day or finding a particular situation difficult. But if I really tell people that I'm feeling that way I am scared of the responses I might get.
Yes, what I lost, I lost years ago, but it doesn't mean it's all forgotten about. Done and dusted?

I have spoken with many women who have lost babies through whatever situations and circumstances, and even when they have gone on to have children who are born healthy, they always have that little tug of tenderness in their hearts for the little one/s they wish they got to meet and cuddle.

I really don't like being by myself because it gives me time to think and a lot of emotions can come to the surface.
When I happen to be alone I will always have the tv on, or I am reading a magazine - I am never properly alone with myself.
Even if I go out to have a pedi or mani, I am on my phone or reading a magazine - trying to distract myself!

The 1 thing I can clearly remember from the grief course is that there is NO way around grief.

Unfortunately, you have to feel all the feelings that come up in order to heal - no matter how many years pass, different feelings will come up and when they do you just have to feel them and deal with them!

You cannot go through the grief process and pass the emotions as they come or ignore them!

Our society often sets expectations and time limits for certain types of grief - but grief is totally individual!

Love

I have recently been struck with how sometimes people can be overcome with feelings that they never saw coming! Especially for those people who are grieving!

This morning is was in the kitchen doing the dishes (yes, I do venture into a room called a kitchen every so often but only because we had friends around for dinner on Thursday night and I just HAD to do dishes).
There I was with my hands in soapy water and all of a sudden tears started running down my cheeks and I had this overwhelming longing in my heart for my babies!
I just started praying and asked God to give each of them a big hug and a kiss from me and asked Him to tell them that I loved each of them SO much and that I missed them SO much!

Then it struck me that I never got to actually know my Babies but yet I feel like I know them and I know what type of children they would have become! Crazy to all of a sudden be so overcome with emotion - out of the blue like that, years on. Obviously, pain lessens as time goes on but the are always moments where my heart just crumbles and I miss what could have been!

That's what grief is! I don't wish to go back to the raw times at all - that was the hardest and darkest time of my life and how grateful I am that I have moved on!

But for today, for now, my heart wishes I could be sitting on the couch with all my babies on my lap and telling them how much I love them all and smothering them in kisses! Each of them brought us such joy for the short time they we with us!!