Living

I was lying in bed last night (trying to sleep amongst the jet lag) and I was thinking of my blog and all that has been written over the years.

I was thinking about how the name of my blog should be changed from "Waiting" to "Living".

I'm not sure I am waiting anymore?
Waiting has a connotation that life is temporarily on hold until you get 'that thing' you have been waiting for. There definitely was a time a few years ago when I was waiting with such anxiety but hope for a baby. The entire past few years just seemed like a time of waiting....

Waiting to fall pregnant.
Waiting to have the first blood test.
Waiting to see the doctor.
Waiting to have the first scan.
Waiting to have the D&C so my life can continue.

Waiting to fall pregnant.... and so the cycle of waiting started all over again!!

For the first time in MANY years, I feel that I am not waiting but living!

Don't get me wrong, if a baby was placed in my arms tomorrow I would cry a thousand tears of happiness, but it's not something I feel I NEED in order to make my life complete.
Perhaps I have learnt to live without a baby or children - I feel overwhelmed when I hear people talk about how busy they are with their children.
It scares me! I enjoy my "my" time.

In one of my previous blog posts I remember saying that I miss manic bathtime, supper time etc - but I can't say that I do anymore - I cherish the quiet times.

For the first time in years I feel I am enjoying each and every day and not just wishing it over to move on to the next. Thats what I used to do:
Wishing my days away to get to the next milestone so that my baby would have more of a chance to survive.

I calculated the other day that with all my pregnancies I would have nearly made it to full term - if only if it was with just 1 pregnancy!

So for now, I am not "waiting", I am "living".