Sean and Warren

Dear Sean and Warren,

Today is your birthday! You are 29 Years old today!
It is also the day that you took your last breaths and we had to say goodbye.
Today is also my wedding anniversary - a happy occasion that took place on a day clouded with sadness.

I can only truly appreciate mom and dad's sorrow and grief for you both after what I have gone through in the last few years.
Before then, I never fully understood.
I dealt with my own feelings of loss - years ago, from a sister's point of view.
I loved paging through the books that mom had made for you. With doctors notes, pictures, sympathy cards etc, but I never fully understood what it must have been like from a parents point of view.
And I don't think people actually do until they have been through it themselves!

When you both died, mom wished that she had more of you to take home, more memories. But she left the hospital feeling very empty-handed.
As a result, she did amazing things for other women who lost their children. She made sure that women were able to say their goodbyes properly, and leave with footprints or handprints.

Your names are written in the book at Plumstead Methodist Church. Your names are written on the page dated "17 December"

I remember being in primary school and I went with dad to do errands before our holiday to Island Lake and he said he wanted to stop by and see your names in the book.
I went in with him.
He stood so quietly in front of the book and just started sobbing softly!

I get it now - it's like grave site, a special place where you are remembered.

Many babies / infants pass away and there is no remembrance place, no grave, no memories.
This was important for dad - to remember you both!

What I saw that day was raw love.

And I get it now.

After losing my babies, I get it!

Time makes it less raw and the good days and months and years outweigh the heavy, sad days, but the tears never completely dry up.
The longing never goes away.
Sometimes my heart literally aches to just be able to hold my babies.

As a child I still remember dreaming about you both - I still remember the dream clearly.
I now often dream of my own babies, what they doing, what they look like.

17 December is always such a hard day for mom and dad.

They will never forget.
Yes, many years have gone past, 2 other children were born, but once you have lost a child, that child is NEVER forgotten!

I think it's healthy to go back to that remembrance place and grieve once in a while.

I have made a scrapbook for mine, and there are times where I feel close to them, and I take the book out, read letters, cards, look at pics and I sob.
It doesn't mean Im taking a step backwards. It means that I loved more than I knew I ever could.

So today, as we remember your lives, know that we love you, think about you and acknowledge your short presence in our lives that impacted us tremendously!

Love your big sister,
Sands
xxx