This is what it means to be held....
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life - and you survive.
This is what it is.............
To be loved and to know that the promise was, when everything fell, We'd be held!
Tuesday
Sunday
I really feel like I have a lot of special friends who care and some of you send me little messages asking how I am doing and depending on the day – my responses are different. Part of me has found this hard to write because I wish I could just sweep it under the carpet and pretend that I’m not hurting. Writing about it makes me think and confront these terrible feelings I’m trying to sort out.
This year has once again been a difficult one. 2 attempts at having a baby have failed!
We received such a precious Christmas present last year – a positive pregnancy test! YAY! Obviously that came with its own anxiety, but we honestly thought “This is it”. We had given ourselves some time since the last miscarriage, my uterine septum had been removed – we were good to go – so we thought.
A few days later the blood tests showed that the levels weren’t high enough and a miscarriage was pretty much inevitable. I literally felt sick to my stomach in the days following that time.
We wanted a baby. At the end of January I had another positive pregnancy test.
YAY AGAIN!
Surely, THIS time things would work out? It just had to! To cut a long story short, things were going VERY well. I was being pumped with hormones, I was being regularly monitored by my Gynae. Weekly scans were taking place. On the day that my niece was born we had a 6 week scan and we saw the HEARTBEAT for the very 1st time….. I can’t even begin to describe that feeling to you. I never ever thought I would ever get to experience that!
A week later, the baby had grown amazingly and the heartbeat was stronger! YAY – this really must be it! I started thinking about my due date – October 12 2011. By Christmas 2011 I would have a baby! Got our baby names ready again!
However, at our next appointment I could see the gynae’s facial expression chang as she scanned me!
Then she called Mike in and just said how sorry she was again! To say my heart broke into a million pieces is an understatement! She just hugged me – she had tears running down her cheeks too! Mike and I had a moment together in her room – to just process what had happened again!
I think I went into survival mode too – I mean, I had been through this enough times before to know what to expect and anticipate how I would feel? The enormity of things probably only hit me about 2 to 3 weeks after my D&C – the wheels fell off!
There have been some feelings that have been the same after my other miscarriages but there are a lot of new feelings that have cropped up.
I feel like a failure – a failure as a wife, a woman and a mother!
I feel I have let people down – Mike, my baby, both our families!
I feel angry at my body for having failed once again! What’s the point in exercising, eating healthy and doing everything the ‘’right’’ way? It hasn’t helped!
I feel incredible guilt for what has happened again!
I feel rejected by God.
What if I am not to be a mother? Would I be alright if it was just Mike and I? Would I look into adoption? These are questions we have been discussing because we realize there are no guarantees!
Mike said to me that he wants to be a dad and have a baby but he doesn’t want to have another miscarriage! It’s a total gamble. When is enough enough? When do you say enough because your emotional sanity and marriage are more important than trying for something that is not guaranteed at the end of the day? I never want it to become my idol in life!
Sadness has been my constant companion every day! I can go somewhere and have a good time, and laugh, but I come home feeling like I have been so very fake – coz that’s totally not how I feel on the inside at all.
I don’t know all the answers to most things at the moment.
I feel beyond sad. I feel physically tired all the time, there are days I just don’t eat. There are days I just want to sleep the whole day because I forget about it all. I woke up 1 night during a storm and I just started feeling very thankful that I was warm in my bed, and that my family was as well, and that my baby was warm and snug inside me…….. and then I remembered….. oh, my heart ached all over again!
Mike and I are going to counseling together which is a huge positive – we need coping strategies as a couple too as huge strain has been placed on our marriage. Both dealing with our own feelings as well as that of the other one!
We need you to love us at the moment. We don’t need to be fixed and we have heard all the advice of what-to-do and what-not-to-do. We need to feel that people care and love us no matter what and even if you don’t agree with decisions or choices we have made or will make we need your love and support. I must confess that there have been times where I have been so quick to judge others and their decisions but until you have walked in their shoes or have got a better understanding of where they are coming from – who are we to judge? Talking about how we feel helps too. It also validates our losses and feelings.
We will get through this – I’m not sure how but we will. There are definite times when I have withdrawn from people but I have needed the space. I come out again when I feel I can! If I withdrawl, don’t take it personally – it just means things are feeling a bit too overwhelming!
This year has once again been a difficult one. 2 attempts at having a baby have failed!
We received such a precious Christmas present last year – a positive pregnancy test! YAY! Obviously that came with its own anxiety, but we honestly thought “This is it”. We had given ourselves some time since the last miscarriage, my uterine septum had been removed – we were good to go – so we thought.
A few days later the blood tests showed that the levels weren’t high enough and a miscarriage was pretty much inevitable. I literally felt sick to my stomach in the days following that time.
We wanted a baby. At the end of January I had another positive pregnancy test.
YAY AGAIN!
Surely, THIS time things would work out? It just had to! To cut a long story short, things were going VERY well. I was being pumped with hormones, I was being regularly monitored by my Gynae. Weekly scans were taking place. On the day that my niece was born we had a 6 week scan and we saw the HEARTBEAT for the very 1st time….. I can’t even begin to describe that feeling to you. I never ever thought I would ever get to experience that!
A week later, the baby had grown amazingly and the heartbeat was stronger! YAY – this really must be it! I started thinking about my due date – October 12 2011. By Christmas 2011 I would have a baby! Got our baby names ready again!
However, at our next appointment I could see the gynae’s facial expression chang as she scanned me!
Then she called Mike in and just said how sorry she was again! To say my heart broke into a million pieces is an understatement! She just hugged me – she had tears running down her cheeks too! Mike and I had a moment together in her room – to just process what had happened again!
I think I went into survival mode too – I mean, I had been through this enough times before to know what to expect and anticipate how I would feel? The enormity of things probably only hit me about 2 to 3 weeks after my D&C – the wheels fell off!
There have been some feelings that have been the same after my other miscarriages but there are a lot of new feelings that have cropped up.
I feel like a failure – a failure as a wife, a woman and a mother!
I feel I have let people down – Mike, my baby, both our families!
I feel angry at my body for having failed once again! What’s the point in exercising, eating healthy and doing everything the ‘’right’’ way? It hasn’t helped!
I feel incredible guilt for what has happened again!
I feel rejected by God.
What if I am not to be a mother? Would I be alright if it was just Mike and I? Would I look into adoption? These are questions we have been discussing because we realize there are no guarantees!
Mike said to me that he wants to be a dad and have a baby but he doesn’t want to have another miscarriage! It’s a total gamble. When is enough enough? When do you say enough because your emotional sanity and marriage are more important than trying for something that is not guaranteed at the end of the day? I never want it to become my idol in life!
Sadness has been my constant companion every day! I can go somewhere and have a good time, and laugh, but I come home feeling like I have been so very fake – coz that’s totally not how I feel on the inside at all.
I don’t know all the answers to most things at the moment.
I feel beyond sad. I feel physically tired all the time, there are days I just don’t eat. There are days I just want to sleep the whole day because I forget about it all. I woke up 1 night during a storm and I just started feeling very thankful that I was warm in my bed, and that my family was as well, and that my baby was warm and snug inside me…….. and then I remembered….. oh, my heart ached all over again!
Mike and I are going to counseling together which is a huge positive – we need coping strategies as a couple too as huge strain has been placed on our marriage. Both dealing with our own feelings as well as that of the other one!
We need you to love us at the moment. We don’t need to be fixed and we have heard all the advice of what-to-do and what-not-to-do. We need to feel that people care and love us no matter what and even if you don’t agree with decisions or choices we have made or will make we need your love and support. I must confess that there have been times where I have been so quick to judge others and their decisions but until you have walked in their shoes or have got a better understanding of where they are coming from – who are we to judge? Talking about how we feel helps too. It also validates our losses and feelings.
We will get through this – I’m not sure how but we will. There are definite times when I have withdrawn from people but I have needed the space. I come out again when I feel I can! If I withdrawl, don’t take it personally – it just means things are feeling a bit too overwhelming!
Monday
Walking through loss
I was reading a friend of mines story about her journey since losing her precious daughter at 5 months gestation and so much of what she wrote I am feeling too.
Its amazing that there are certain elements of grief that are the same. All circumstances, stories and losses can be different but there are certain aspects of grief that are the same.
This is some of how she explains her feelings and I couldn't help but think that it could have been ME writing because this is exactly how I feel.......
"I couldn’t feel any interest or joy in anything. All the things that used to fascinate me and give me great joy – painting, writing, business planning, coaching, reading… I tried to go back to doing them but I was just going through the motions, trying to fill time really. I remember thinking, “what if I live a really long life? That’s a hek of time I’ll have to figure out how to fill. And if I can’t feel interest or joy in any of the things I fill my time with, that’s going to be the most unbearably long time.” I wasn’t suicidal, but for the first time in my life I felt absolutely no positive anticipation or hope for my future and I sincerely hoped that I would not live a long life.
My inability to feel interest or joy made it incredibly difficult to socialize, almost impossible to do basic household maintenance and completely impossible to continue with my business. Some days it was hard to even get out of bed, because I just couldn’t think of a good reason to do so and I knew that as soon as I got out of bed, I’d have an eternity of time to fill and no idea what was worth filling it with."
These words of hers are spot on as to how I feel. This morning I was driving to work thinking whats the point anymore? My world is so small, I can only think of what I need to do to get through this very day. It's too overwhelming to even think about the next day.
My heart aches when I hear of others praying about things and their prayers being answered...... because I feel like mine are being shelved in "file 13" - to either be forgotten about or found one day down the line and dusted off.
The rejection I feel is HUGE! Rejection by God, rejection by friends with whom the things I have in common with is getting less and less as they add to their families and mine stays the same. No advice - other than Speech and Language development advice - to give.
It scares me that - at this moment in time - I don't not feel that small glimmer of hope that perhaps 1 day I will still have a little baby.
After the other miscarriages I did feel some hope, but this time I don't and that scares me.
Having children or having a baby is not a "right" like I thought it was.
How does it make us feel when people emphasise children being a gift and blessing from God. (Which it says in the bible and which I COMPLETELY agree with). I know so many little children who just bring such JOY and HAPPINESS to their families!
However, how does that make the childless woman feel, who has SO longed for children - Does she feel blessed?
- Does she feel special and loved enough?
- Does she feel worthy?
I wish I had answers. I wish I could make sense of it all.
I wish I could feel loved and found to be worthy enough to have a baby, but I don't and that breaks my heart!
Its amazing that there are certain elements of grief that are the same. All circumstances, stories and losses can be different but there are certain aspects of grief that are the same.
This is some of how she explains her feelings and I couldn't help but think that it could have been ME writing because this is exactly how I feel.......
"I couldn’t feel any interest or joy in anything. All the things that used to fascinate me and give me great joy – painting, writing, business planning, coaching, reading… I tried to go back to doing them but I was just going through the motions, trying to fill time really. I remember thinking, “what if I live a really long life? That’s a hek of time I’ll have to figure out how to fill. And if I can’t feel interest or joy in any of the things I fill my time with, that’s going to be the most unbearably long time.” I wasn’t suicidal, but for the first time in my life I felt absolutely no positive anticipation or hope for my future and I sincerely hoped that I would not live a long life.
My inability to feel interest or joy made it incredibly difficult to socialize, almost impossible to do basic household maintenance and completely impossible to continue with my business. Some days it was hard to even get out of bed, because I just couldn’t think of a good reason to do so and I knew that as soon as I got out of bed, I’d have an eternity of time to fill and no idea what was worth filling it with."
These words of hers are spot on as to how I feel. This morning I was driving to work thinking whats the point anymore? My world is so small, I can only think of what I need to do to get through this very day. It's too overwhelming to even think about the next day.
My heart aches when I hear of others praying about things and their prayers being answered...... because I feel like mine are being shelved in "file 13" - to either be forgotten about or found one day down the line and dusted off.
The rejection I feel is HUGE! Rejection by God, rejection by friends with whom the things I have in common with is getting less and less as they add to their families and mine stays the same. No advice - other than Speech and Language development advice - to give.
It scares me that - at this moment in time - I don't not feel that small glimmer of hope that perhaps 1 day I will still have a little baby.
After the other miscarriages I did feel some hope, but this time I don't and that scares me.
Having children or having a baby is not a "right" like I thought it was.
How does it make us feel when people emphasise children being a gift and blessing from God. (Which it says in the bible and which I COMPLETELY agree with). I know so many little children who just bring such JOY and HAPPINESS to their families!
However, how does that make the childless woman feel, who has SO longed for children - Does she feel blessed?
- Does she feel special and loved enough?
- Does she feel worthy?
I wish I had answers. I wish I could make sense of it all.
I wish I could feel loved and found to be worthy enough to have a baby, but I don't and that breaks my heart!
This is how it feels.........
Today a tear falls.
They start to fall like rain.
My heart feels broken.
Forever there will be pain.
There is a cloud in my life now.
Even on sunny days.
An emptiness, a longing,
A sadness that forever stays.
A sadness that is lonely.
A silent tear sneaks out.
My voice fails to scream,
What my heart wants to shout.
Unborn babies are precious.
Their brief moments with us mattered.
We feel love from the beginning.
Love continues after our hearts were shattered.
Today I should have had my baby.
A Baby Angel to love and touch.
But instead I have barely a reminder
Of one I love so much.
Today's tears keep falling.
They rain and then they pour.
My babies may never be in my arms,
But they're in my heart forevermore
They start to fall like rain.
My heart feels broken.
Forever there will be pain.
There is a cloud in my life now.
Even on sunny days.
An emptiness, a longing,
A sadness that forever stays.
A sadness that is lonely.
A silent tear sneaks out.
My voice fails to scream,
What my heart wants to shout.
Unborn babies are precious.
Their brief moments with us mattered.
We feel love from the beginning.
Love continues after our hearts were shattered.
Today I should have had my baby.
A Baby Angel to love and touch.
But instead I have barely a reminder
Of one I love so much.
Today's tears keep falling.
They rain and then they pour.
My babies may never be in my arms,
But they're in my heart forevermore
Saturday
I am thinking of you today my friend
and sharing in your pain
I know it seems as though your life
will never be the same
I've taken the same journey before
It's a road I know too well
But someone it seemed was always there
to catch me when I fell
There were the times He carried me
when my legs were much too weak
And the times He held me close to Him
when my lips refused to speak
There were the times He was my eyes
when mine were full of tears
And all the times He comforted me
and helped me face my fears
This friend of mine is with you too
He's been there all along
Just reach for Him and take His hand
It's where you now belong
and sharing in your pain
I know it seems as though your life
will never be the same
I've taken the same journey before
It's a road I know too well
But someone it seemed was always there
to catch me when I fell
There were the times He carried me
when my legs were much too weak
And the times He held me close to Him
when my lips refused to speak
There were the times He was my eyes
when mine were full of tears
And all the times He comforted me
and helped me face my fears
This friend of mine is with you too
He's been there all along
Just reach for Him and take His hand
It's where you now belong
Mike is my best friend and we have a solid friendship, but it has been tough!
The last 2 years have changed us so much, both as individuals and as a couple.
While our love and friendship has played a key role in our survival as a couple, I can easily see how couples could drift apart.
Depression, bitterness and loss of hope are all emotions that miscarriage can create.
These are almost harder than the physical scars in that they take a lot longer to heal and tend to leave a scar.
The stress that is placed on a marriage when you go through trauma after trauma CANNOT be minimised! Especially in the case of recurrent miscarriages!
We have learned that life is not fair and we have been through things that one should not have to go through!
The last 2 years have changed us so much, both as individuals and as a couple.
While our love and friendship has played a key role in our survival as a couple, I can easily see how couples could drift apart.
Depression, bitterness and loss of hope are all emotions that miscarriage can create.
These are almost harder than the physical scars in that they take a lot longer to heal and tend to leave a scar.
The stress that is placed on a marriage when you go through trauma after trauma CANNOT be minimised! Especially in the case of recurrent miscarriages!
We have learned that life is not fair and we have been through things that one should not have to go through!
SO much changes after a pregnancy loss.
Relationships, friendships and beliefs can be shaken, abandoned and replaced.
One may discover hidden strengths in yourself or you may be taken aback when reactions are not as you would have predicted.
And while a sense of normality will creep back in your life, you will be forever changed - be a different person.
You are not the same person. It is like a mirror which has been shattered and you can put all the pieces together and it might look right, but there is always a tiny piece missing. Sometimes I wish I could find those tiny pieces.
Sometimes I wish I was still ignorant!
Not a day goes by when I dont think about my babies and what could have been.
But on the flip side, we have been given an enormous gift. These precious little creatures never spoke a word but yet they have taught me so much. They taught me compassion, empathy, strength, faith and above all they taught me that I can handle more than I ever thought possible!
I have become a lot harder, yet much softer!
It has reshaped my views, values and feelings!
Relationships, friendships and beliefs can be shaken, abandoned and replaced.
One may discover hidden strengths in yourself or you may be taken aback when reactions are not as you would have predicted.
And while a sense of normality will creep back in your life, you will be forever changed - be a different person.
You are not the same person. It is like a mirror which has been shattered and you can put all the pieces together and it might look right, but there is always a tiny piece missing. Sometimes I wish I could find those tiny pieces.
Sometimes I wish I was still ignorant!
Not a day goes by when I dont think about my babies and what could have been.
But on the flip side, we have been given an enormous gift. These precious little creatures never spoke a word but yet they have taught me so much. They taught me compassion, empathy, strength, faith and above all they taught me that I can handle more than I ever thought possible!
I have become a lot harder, yet much softer!
It has reshaped my views, values and feelings!
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