I really feel like I have a lot of special friends who care and some of you send me little messages asking how I am doing and depending on the day – my responses are different. Part of me has found this hard to write because I wish I could just sweep it under the carpet and pretend that I’m not hurting. Writing about it makes me think and confront these terrible feelings I’m trying to sort out.
This year has once again been a difficult one. 2 attempts at having a baby have failed!
We received such a precious Christmas present last year – a positive pregnancy test! YAY! Obviously that came with its own anxiety, but we honestly thought “This is it”. We had given ourselves some time since the last miscarriage, my uterine septum had been removed – we were good to go – so we thought.
A few days later the blood tests showed that the levels weren’t high enough and a miscarriage was pretty much inevitable. I literally felt sick to my stomach in the days following that time.
We wanted a baby. At the end of January I had another positive pregnancy test.
YAY AGAIN!
Surely, THIS time things would work out? It just had to! To cut a long story short, things were going VERY well. I was being pumped with hormones, I was being regularly monitored by my Gynae. Weekly scans were taking place. On the day that my niece was born we had a 6 week scan and we saw the HEARTBEAT for the very 1st time….. I can’t even begin to describe that feeling to you. I never ever thought I would ever get to experience that!
A week later, the baby had grown amazingly and the heartbeat was stronger! YAY – this really must be it! I started thinking about my due date – October 12 2011. By Christmas 2011 I would have a baby!  Got our baby names ready again!
However, at our next appointment I could see the gynae’s facial expression chang as she scanned me!
Then she called Mike in and just said how sorry she was again! To say my heart broke into a million pieces is an understatement! She just hugged me – she had tears running down her cheeks too! Mike and I had a moment together in her room – to just process what had happened again!
I think I went into survival mode too – I mean, I had been through this enough times before to know what to expect and anticipate how I would feel? The enormity of things probably only hit me about 2 to 3 weeks after my D&C – the wheels fell off!
There have been some feelings that have been the same after my other miscarriages but there are a lot of new feelings that have cropped up.
I feel like a failure – a failure as a wife, a woman and a mother!
I feel I have let people down – Mike, my baby, both our families!
I feel angry at my body for having failed once again! What’s the point in exercising, eating healthy and doing everything the ‘’right’’ way? It hasn’t helped!
I feel incredible guilt for what has happened again!
I feel rejected by God.
What if I am not to be a mother? Would I be alright if it was just Mike and I? Would I look into adoption? These are questions we have been discussing because we realize there are no guarantees!
Mike said to me that he wants to be a dad and have a baby but he doesn’t want to have another miscarriage! It’s a total gamble. When is enough enough? When do you say enough because your emotional sanity and marriage are more important than trying for something that is not guaranteed at the end of the day? I never want it to become my idol in life!
Sadness has been my constant companion every day! I can go somewhere and have a good time, and laugh, but I come home feeling like I have been so very fake – coz that’s totally not how I feel on the inside at all.
I don’t know all the answers to most things at the moment.
I feel beyond sad. I feel physically tired all the time, there are days I just don’t eat. There are days I just want to sleep the whole day because I forget about it all. I woke up 1 night during a storm and I just started feeling very thankful that I was warm in my bed, and that my family was as well, and that my baby was warm and snug inside me…….. and then I remembered….. oh, my heart ached all over again!
Mike and I are going to counseling together which is a huge positive – we need coping strategies as a couple too as huge strain has been placed on our marriage. Both dealing with our own feelings as well as that of the other one!
We need you to love us at the moment. We don’t need to be fixed and we have heard all the advice of what-to-do and what-not-to-do. We need to feel that people care and love us no matter what and even if you don’t agree with decisions or choices we have made or will make we need your love and support. I must confess that there have been times where I have been so quick to judge others and their decisions but until you have walked in their shoes or have got a better understanding of where they are coming from – who are we to judge? Talking about how we feel helps too. It also validates our losses and feelings.
We will get through this – I’m not sure how but we will. There are definite times when I have withdrawn from people but I have needed the space. I come out again when I feel I can! If I withdrawl, don’t take it personally – it just means things are feeling a bit too overwhelming!