What grief is, what it isn't

Grief doesn’t wait for an invitation. It doesn’t go away because you want it to. It always overstays its welcome. It isn’t logical or easily explained. It doesn’t respond to threats or bribes. It will not be avoided indefinitely. It will find a way to be noticed.

Grief is not linear, horizontal, or vertical. It is not predictable. It is not confined by time or space. It doesn’t play favorites. It isn’t just for women and sissies. Grief doesn’t forget. It has an excellent memory. It cannot be gone around; only through.

Grief is never really “finished” or “over.” Rather it takes breaks. It is not a single lesson to be learned, but rather a series of lessons. The outbursts and outpourings of grief seldom happen at convenient times.

Grief does not apologize. It knocks on everyone’s door eventually.

It is not the plague and it is not contagious, though it may seem that way when others repeatedly avoid you. It can find you even when you are asleep or dreaming.

Grief will not leave you alone because you swear at it, although you might feel better for awhile if you do. You can no more reason your way out of grief than you can a paper bag. It will not be toyed with. It insists on being taken seriously.

Grief wants to completely take over your life. You can’t allow that or you will become its victim. Grief respects those who honestly acknowledge its existence and who work with it rather than against it. For them grief allows itself to be reshaped into creative energy and makes room for hope to co-exist along side of it.

Deb Kosmer 2011

The privilege of being god-parents.

I have been thinking a lot about my little god-daughter Ella recently and how grateful I am to be her god-mother.
When Kathleen was pregnant with Ella and asked us to be god-parents we weren't thinking about starting our own family yet. It was such a privilege to walk the road with Kathleen. Through all the nausea, bloating, aches and pains, this was the 1st time I had a close friend having a baby!
I had such fun organising her surprise baby shower and we were SO excited for the birth of little Ella.

Looking back now, God knew that we were going to come to this bump in the road with trying to start our own family, and thats why I think he blessed us with being Ella's god-parents!

We love her to bits!



We love spending time with her, spoiling her and loving her!

I had always thought how amazing it would be to have my own kids around the same age as Ella so they can all play nicely together! I can go to Kathleen for playdates and we can merrily be sipping our tea while the kids play - like typical housewives! Or bring all the kids round, the men bathing them while we sit glued to Oprah!

Part of me is so sad that it hasn't happened the way I had always dreamed of. Instead I have sat many a time on Kathleens couch, bawling my eyes out, saying how unfair it all is. But yet, through all the tears, when Ella gives me a hug or asks me to come sit in the bathroom with her while she baths, it just melts my heart!


I have recently been thinking about all the things I am grateful for in my life and being Ella's god-mother is one of them!
I may not have been able to have my own children yet but I can certainly appreciate and love the children that HAVE been put in my life.
We often joke that Ella will have 2 sets of parents, her real ones and us. That we will all go to her Grade 1 open day, matric dance, and that both Mike and Sheldon will be standing by the door polishing their shotguns when her 1st boyfriend comes to take her out!

We love her so very much and so appreciate the opportunity to be her god-parents!

An extended definition of infertility also includes women who have repeated pregnancy losses ( miscarriages) - women who cannot carry the pregnancy to term. This is because the end result in both cases is the same - the inability to have a baby to love and to hold.



I have a very dear friend that I grew up with. We were inseparable.
We were so alike in so many ways and 1 thing that we had in common was that we so badly to be mom's. We would play dolls for hours.
I always thought she would make a fantastic, loving and special mom.

Thanks to facebook we have been reunited after many years, and she has since gotten married and it was great catching up on years lost. There is 1 thing that we have in common today after all these years - we are so wanting to be moms but its not working out.
She has had failed IVF cycles and is feeling very desperate and sad. I've had the miscarriages and feeling very sad.

We both ask why and where did we go wrong?

I think God sends people along our path who understand. Infertility can be a lonely path. Instead of buying the popular book "What to expect when expecting" we buy the following:



There are too many unanswered questions




I wish I could make things right for people, particularly for those who have experienced the loss of a baby or infertility.
I have a glimpse of how it feels and its lonely. People underestimate the pressure it puts on people and their marriages.



For my precious friend, you know who you are.
This following picture is for you!
I am standing with you and walking the road with you. I know its been hard and not what you have expected and hoped for but you must KNOW you are a woman of worth!
Your self-worth is not measured by your ability to reproduce. There is so much more to you! You are precious and loved!
With you every single step of your journey!

Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears




Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

Remembering

According to a 2004 National Vital Statistics Report issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2000, 15.6% or 1,003,000 in the United States ended in either a miscarriage or stillbirth.

That means that each year, 2 million parents in the US join this group of adults struggling with appropriate ways to grieve, cope and understand their ongoing feelings of deep loss and confusion. I've read that many women often feel "sick" or "depressed" for no apparent reason months and even years after a miscarriage. Many of these women feel a pressure not to talk about their feelings of loss and eventually wind up feeling randomly ill, not even recognizing why. Statistics show that those who are allowed to talk about it, cope much better and feel "normal" much faster.
If you are suffering from the loss of a sweet life you might have known, here are some ideas from others who have found ways to show love for the baby they were never allowed to hold:

*A balloon release on the expected due date of your baby or on Memorial Day. (There are some examples of this on YouTube).

*Planting a rose bush or tree.


*A piece of jewelry that reminds you that your once little pea-in-the-pod is part of a loving family:

I'm lighting a candle for you my precious child:




A family is a circle of love, not broken by a loss, but made stronger by the memories. We remember.

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?

Letting go.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom.
I always saw myself as being a mom one day. I had always pictured myself holding a baby and raising a child. I have the names of the children I want.

However, today I came to the realisation that people think that having children is a given.
But it's not.

Life doesn't happen in the way we expect it to be - married by mid-twenties, a baby or 2 by late 20's, perhaps 30 at the latest.

When life doesn't happen that way it throws us. Well, it certainly did for me. All of a sudden, my plans weren't working out the way I had visioned.
Howcome everyone else seems to be getting it right? I know there are definitely people out there who are struggling with fertility too, but my people in my immediate circle seem to be getting it right?

I have realised today that there is more to me than just having a baby.
There is so much emphasis on having a baby and starting a family but there is more that I have to offer the world than just a baby.

Quite frankly, I feel that perhaps that it is not the desire of my heart anymore?
I have been able to watch my friends around me have babies and children and I am not sure that I really want them anymore.
All people seem to do is complain how tired they are, how their babies are not sleeping, how financially burdening they are.

I'm not sure I want that.

There are enough children in the world at the moment. Perhaps I leave procreating to others who still have a romantic idea about what having children is like?

Yes, I have been hurt, and I do not want to go back there. I do not want to go through the difficult time of being on progesterone, injections etc, only to have it fail again.

I wrote an e-mail today to my fertility specialist thanking him very much for his care and guidance over the last while with Mike and I, but that I will not be coming back to him as I do not want to have a baby.

I think I have reached my limit.

Part of me wished I was still completely ignorant about it all, and still had the chance to do the pathetic, mushy act of making my scan pic as my profile pic the second I rushed out of the doctors room, or put up hundreds of pregnancy photos showing my weekly belly development. Perhaps part of me wishes I was still ignorant enough to do all that, but the reality is I am not.
That has been taken from me.

Perhaps I have to realise that my life will not take the path that I always thought it would?
I need to be ok with that, and make peace with that.
Rather channel my focus on things, people and children that I DO have in my life.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
-- Anon

The day life changed................

This time of year always brings about sad feelings.
It was the 18 August 2009 that we heard the news that would set us off on a very different, difficult and unexpected path.





In the photo above, little did we know that there were really '3' of us in the photo. This holiday was an amazing holiday in the Drakenberg. A very relaxing and care-free time. Perhaps we needed it more than we knew because there were going to be very difficult days and months to follow.

18 AUGUST 2009 TUESDAY

This was the day Mike and I had been 'not-so-patiently' waiting for! Our 1st scan of our baby! Finally I was gonna meet the precious little 'bean' growing inside me!
I remember it was a very rainy winters day and my appointment was at 3pm. I had to do a wheel spin at work to get out there on time and arrive at the doctor.
It was the 1st time I was going to meet Dr J. Little did I know that Dr J and I would be seeing quite a bit of each other over the next few months and years.

Mike and I arrived at the doctors rooms and saw lots of other gloating mom's. Some with big tummies, some just starting out. But all had this smile and content look.
We watched some walk out of the fetal assessment room looking proudly at their scans and I couldn't wait to finally get MY scan pic and also proudly put on our fridge or show those at work!

Dr J came out and asked us to go inside.
Her room had some flowers in, cards from people - thanking her for the safe delivery of their babies.
She chatted with us for a while, getting a case history and getting a guideline of when I would be due. MARCH 10 - perfect time I thought - still warm enough for me to get up at night for feeds, and a month after my birthday. Also, good time for maternity leave as I would get to finish the 1st term.
I had made my facebook status that day : "Sandi is going to meet someone very special today!

After the case history was done, she asked me to go to the scan room. She switched the machine on and eventually we could see MY BABY..... wow! I had tears in my eyes!
Dr J was very quiet, but I thought she was just busy with her machinery and taking measurements etc of the baby. I didn't take too much notice - I was just staring at picture of my baby. After a few moments, she called Mike in.
She then told us the words that I wish I NEVER EVER would have to hear...... Im sorry!

I first thought, what are you sorry about? But then she said, "It's too quiet in there. Your baby's heart has stopped beating."

I just lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks staring at my baby.....




Mike was trying so hard to comfort me. "It will be ok, it will be ok" was all he was saying.
The rest of that appointment was pretty much a blur. I remember her talking about doing a D&C and then she gave Mike and I a few moments alone to process what had just happened.

We just held each other and sobbed.

We then went out her room to the receptionist to get all the hospital info etc and codes to get authorization for the operation.

We walked out the door, still arm in arm and we both just cried all the way to the car and then all the way home!

My thought all the way home was, How am I going to tell our parents about this? I have let them down. This was going to be the 1st grandchild and now I will break their hearts.

When we got home we walked into the house with the most empty feeling ever. This house had been the house we had hoped would have had children running around in.
By this time the weather has turned nasty and the rain was pouring down. We both just sat in silence on the couch watching the rain outside. Tears just rolling down our cheeks. We now had the difficult task of telling our parents what had just happened. That was beyond awful!





I can't even begin to tell you how much that day has changed our lives. Not a day goes by where I don't wonder why?
Where have I gone wrong? The pain I felt seeing a pregnant lady who was also due when I should have been due.
I saw other pregnant woman and my heart ached.Buying gifts for other friends baby showers was incredibly difficult. I was tired of shopping for others - I wanted to shop for my OWN baby.
The physical ache in my heart for my baby was huge. The longing to have gotten the chance to hold my baby, hear him/her laugh, kiss them! I will never get that chance.

Life goes on and people move on but I struggled to piece my life together.
I just didn't understand and I still don't understand.
How come others get it right but I can't. Others get to experience the joy of being pregnant, having a stress free pregnancy. The thought doesn't even cross their mind that it might be over in a blink of an eye.

This time of year brings up a lot of emotions for me again. Mike and I grew up very quickly on the 18 August 2009. We had each other and we both had to keep going.

I wish this story has a happy ending. I still have questions and feelings of being a failure. Wondering where I went wrong while my friends have got it right. Seeing pregnancy photos and updates on facebook, going to baby showers - wondering if that will ever be me.