This time of year always brings about sad feelings.
It was the 18 August 2009 that we heard the news that would set us off on a very different, difficult and unexpected path.
In the photo above, little did we know that there were really '3' of us in the photo. This holiday was an amazing holiday in the Drakenberg. A very relaxing and care-free time. Perhaps we needed it more than we knew because there were going to be very difficult days and months to follow.
18 AUGUST 2009 TUESDAY
This was the day Mike and I had been 'not-so-patiently' waiting for! Our 1st scan of our baby! Finally I was gonna meet the precious little 'bean' growing inside me!
I remember it was a very rainy winters day and my appointment was at 3pm. I had to do a wheel spin at work to get out there on time and arrive at the doctor.
It was the 1st time I was going to meet Dr J. Little did I know that Dr J and I would be seeing quite a bit of each other over the next few months and years.
Mike and I arrived at the doctors rooms and saw lots of other gloating mom's. Some with big tummies, some just starting out. But all had this smile and content look.
We watched some walk out of the fetal assessment room looking proudly at their scans and I couldn't wait to finally get MY scan pic and also proudly put on our fridge or show those at work!
Dr J came out and asked us to go inside.
Her room had some flowers in, cards from people - thanking her for the safe delivery of their babies.
She chatted with us for a while, getting a case history and getting a guideline of when I would be due. MARCH 10 - perfect time I thought - still warm enough for me to get up at night for feeds, and a month after my birthday. Also, good time for maternity leave as I would get to finish the 1st term.
I had made my facebook status that day : "Sandi is going to meet someone very special today!
After the case history was done, she asked me to go to the scan room. She switched the machine on and eventually we could see MY BABY..... wow! I had tears in my eyes!
Dr J was very quiet, but I thought she was just busy with her machinery and taking measurements etc of the baby. I didn't take too much notice - I was just staring at picture of my baby. After a few moments, she called Mike in.
She then told us the words that I wish I NEVER EVER would have to hear...... Im sorry!
I first thought, what are you sorry about? But then she said, "It's too quiet in there. Your baby's heart has stopped beating."
I just lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks staring at my baby.....
Mike was trying so hard to comfort me. "It will be ok, it will be ok" was all he was saying.
The rest of that appointment was pretty much a blur. I remember her talking about doing a D&C and then she gave Mike and I a few moments alone to process what had just happened.
We just held each other and sobbed.
We then went out her room to the receptionist to get all the hospital info etc and codes to get authorization for the operation.
We walked out the door, still arm in arm and we both just cried all the way to the car and then all the way home!
My thought all the way home was, How am I going to tell our parents about this? I have let them down. This was going to be the 1st grandchild and now I will break their hearts.
When we got home we walked into the house with the most empty feeling ever. This house had been the house we had hoped would have had children running around in.
By this time the weather has turned nasty and the rain was pouring down. We both just sat in silence on the couch watching the rain outside. Tears just rolling down our cheeks. We now had the difficult task of telling our parents what had just happened. That was beyond awful!
I can't even begin to tell you how much that day has changed our lives. Not a day goes by where I don't wonder why?
Where have I gone wrong? The pain I felt seeing a pregnant lady who was also due when I should have been due.
I saw other pregnant woman and my heart ached.Buying gifts for other friends baby showers was incredibly difficult. I was tired of shopping for others - I wanted to shop for my OWN baby.
The physical ache in my heart for my baby was huge. The longing to have gotten the chance to hold my baby, hear him/her laugh, kiss them! I will never get that chance.
Life goes on and people move on but I struggled to piece my life together.
I just didn't understand and I still don't understand.
How come others get it right but I can't. Others get to experience the joy of being pregnant, having a stress free pregnancy. The thought doesn't even cross their mind that it might be over in a blink of an eye.
This time of year brings up a lot of emotions for me again. Mike and I grew up very quickly on the 18 August 2009. We had each other and we both had to keep going.
I wish this story has a happy ending. I still have questions and feelings of being a failure. Wondering where I went wrong while my friends have got it right. Seeing pregnancy photos and updates on facebook, going to baby showers - wondering if that will ever be me.
Oh Sandi! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you! You have suffered so many losses over the past 2years! More than anyone should have to experience in a lifetime! I pray that God's plan will be revealed to you soon! Sending you love and strength! xxxxx
ReplyDeleteDear friend. You know that I think of you often. May you have the strength you need for each day at a time. xx
ReplyDeleteDear Sandi, Mike and my 4 little grandbabies. I am forever a proud mother and grandmother Proud of where my children have been and where they are headed. Some things are always beyond our control..
ReplyDeleteWHAT MAKES A MOTHER.
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard Him say; A mother has a baby, this we know is true but God can you be a mother when your baby is not with you?
Yes, yes you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God I want my baby here. He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear, "I wish I could show you what your child is doing today and if you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom.
Who had so much love for me, I learned my lessons very quickly my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where i lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm still here..
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are ok. Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me until your lessons are through. And on the day that you come Home they'll be at the gates for you so now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize until their time is done. Remember all the love you have and know that you are a Special mom.
Written by
Jennifer Wasik.