Letting go.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom.
I always saw myself as being a mom one day. I had always pictured myself holding a baby and raising a child. I have the names of the children I want.

However, today I came to the realisation that people think that having children is a given.
But it's not.

Life doesn't happen in the way we expect it to be - married by mid-twenties, a baby or 2 by late 20's, perhaps 30 at the latest.

When life doesn't happen that way it throws us. Well, it certainly did for me. All of a sudden, my plans weren't working out the way I had visioned.
Howcome everyone else seems to be getting it right? I know there are definitely people out there who are struggling with fertility too, but my people in my immediate circle seem to be getting it right?

I have realised today that there is more to me than just having a baby.
There is so much emphasis on having a baby and starting a family but there is more that I have to offer the world than just a baby.

Quite frankly, I feel that perhaps that it is not the desire of my heart anymore?
I have been able to watch my friends around me have babies and children and I am not sure that I really want them anymore.
All people seem to do is complain how tired they are, how their babies are not sleeping, how financially burdening they are.

I'm not sure I want that.

There are enough children in the world at the moment. Perhaps I leave procreating to others who still have a romantic idea about what having children is like?

Yes, I have been hurt, and I do not want to go back there. I do not want to go through the difficult time of being on progesterone, injections etc, only to have it fail again.

I wrote an e-mail today to my fertility specialist thanking him very much for his care and guidance over the last while with Mike and I, but that I will not be coming back to him as I do not want to have a baby.

I think I have reached my limit.

Part of me wished I was still completely ignorant about it all, and still had the chance to do the pathetic, mushy act of making my scan pic as my profile pic the second I rushed out of the doctors room, or put up hundreds of pregnancy photos showing my weekly belly development. Perhaps part of me wishes I was still ignorant enough to do all that, but the reality is I am not.
That has been taken from me.

Perhaps I have to realise that my life will not take the path that I always thought it would?
I need to be ok with that, and make peace with that.
Rather channel my focus on things, people and children that I DO have in my life.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
-- Anon