Beginning and end.....

Everyone looks back over the last year and reflects on what has happened! I have been doing the same over the last few days and this past year has REALLY had its fair share of emotions and changes! I honestly didn't think I would be in Singapore at the moment! I thought I would have a bouncy baby in my arms!

So my 2011 started off with a baby lost.... I lost baby number 3 on news yrs day! wow, what a difficult day and time that was! I get teary eyed just thinking about the range of raw emotions that I felt.

Mike and I then enjoyed a trip to Mauritius - it was amazing to get away but my loss was very much on my mind all the time! A change of scenery was just what the doctor ordered!



Not long after that - another pregnancy: who hoo! Perhaps 2011 really was the yr that I would have a baby?



Perhaps I had got my hopes up too much with this baby. Because my little baby Boy was taken away too soon - yet again!





Once again, Mike was an amazing support, even though he was hurting so much in his own way!

After a few months of grieving and not really knowing how to grieve, we decided to have a memorial service for all our babies! With a few close friends and family around we were able to say goodbye to our babies and share our pain a bit with others. That was definitely a turning point in our journey!




Not too long after the memorial service I needed to be hospitalized for 2 weeks due to complete mental and physical breakdown. I think the pressure, heartache and despair from the last few years had just taken its toll on me. That was a particularly low time during 2011. I felt defeated by life and couldn't imagine ever feeling better about myself or life again!

However, by the Grace of God and support of people I got through it all and steadily started recovering. It was a long journey to try feel 'normal' again and able to make it through a day without falling apart!

2011 also contained the big decision of moving overseas. I can clearly remember that night where we decided that we had this one life to live and we want to make the most of it. We had been stuck on "Planet Baby", except everyone elses babies were arriving but ours wasn't. We felt stuck and defeated!

We needed a change and a new persepective on life! We cannot wallow on what we didnt have but we needed to focus on what we did have and what we could still do!

SO, after many months of planning - we are finally here!
Been in Singapore a week and loving it!
Really wanting to get settled into our own place so that we can feel more at 'home'.
It still feels like we just here on holiday!

So, the plans for 2012.....?

I am done making specific plans because I just feel more dissapointed when they don't work out.
I want to make the most of everything around me.
We would love to do some travelling around this side of the world, we would love for people to come stay with us and explore with us.

I am not sure what road the parenting road will take us down. But I am ok with things now! I can't let that become my idol. For now, I love being around kids and am looking forward to building special relationships with the kids that I will be working with at the therapy centre.

Ending off..... the one thing that I am sure of is that God is faithful!

There have been times were I have wanted the world to stop and let me jump off, but God has held me very close! Right where I have needed to be. And I know going forward that He will ALWAYS hold me close and will never let me go!

Mike and I are closer than ever through all the hard times we have had to endure this past year and Im looking forward to having some fun with him again!

I am a stronger person now, than when I started 2011.

I wish with everything I had, that things were different and I could have children with me today but at the same time I have learnt so much through all the trials and I feel my life is richer and more blessed through it all!

May 2012 be a blessed yr for all my friends and family!
We are told that in the life we will have trouble but we are also told that God has overcome it all, and that is just amazing!!!!

I am standing stronger now and very grateful for 2011, and looking forward to 2012!

A new season!

"Life is a book with many chapters. Some tell of tragedy, others of triumph. Some are dull and ordinary, others intense and exciting. The key to being a success in life is to never stop on a difficult page, to never quit on a tough chapter. Champions have the courage to keep turning the pages because they know a better chapter lies ahead because with faith nothing is impossible."

So today we start a new chapter!

There are definitely mixed feelings! I do not like saying goodbye!

Amazing to think that this time last year I found out I was pregnant! Wow, that feeling was amazing and we had a very special Christmas day with family and sharing the news with our parents. Then to think of all the rest that followed in this past year - it makes my heart ache just thinking about it.

So I am ready to embark on a new adventure - with new challenges and joys!

We will definitely be keeping in touch with everyone and thank goodness for technology now days, keeping people in touch more easily!

So I'm excited but yet mt stomach is filled with butterflies!
But one thing is for sure, God has been so incredibly faithful this last year! In the up's and the down's and we excited for what lies ahead as we learn to trust in Him more and more and be led by Him!

Love ya all and see ya on the flip side...... lets just hope I don't have to be subjected to "chicken" or "beef" for my Christmas day lunch!!!!

Reflecting

There has been so much going through my mind lately with all our packing and sorting and the uncertainty of when our visas are going to come through!

I have time to reflect on things as I have sat packing and so many memories have come up!
With our anniversary yesterday Mike and I had a good chuckle on all the things we have been through in the last 6 yrs - good and bad.
And then I suddenly realised that the pain, hurt and heartache of the last 3 yrs has really overshadowed most of our married life. I had forgotten that there were 3 yrs before that. Why had the pressure of having a healthy and live baby taken over so much?

I met with a very sweet friend of mine last week for tea who had a very valuable bit of advice. Her sister has struggled for 9 yrs to have a baby and she has felt like she has wasted those 9 yrs being obsessed with trying to have a baby. She has watched her sister agonise through those years, feeling like its all been a waste - nothing has come from it! And I can identify with that... It was yesterday that I was saying how angry I felt coz it was this time last year that we spent so much time and money on scans, medication, doctors appts and blood tests - only to come to the terrible realisation that another long-awaited pregnancy was not going to end in a healthy live baby! It makes me angry that we spent all that all for nothing!!!
Back to my friend, so seeing her sister go through all of this she decided that wheen the start trying to fall pregnant she would take up a new hobby like a photography course or cooking course etc, so that depending on the outcome of trying, she wouldn't feel like time has been wasted or lost! So that's my advice for all people out there thinking of trying soon to fall pregnant.... U don't know what type of a journey it will take you on. Its not something you usually talk about before getting married. Woman think that its a given that you will be able to have children, first time, everytime! :)

I just love spending time with my friends babies- I really love it! However, I walk away with such an empty feeling knowing that I'm not able to share in this life stage with them! Part of my grieving has also been letting go of the dreams of having our kids grow up together! I always had dreams of going to friends for tea and having our kids playing nicely together.

However, on the flip side I have met some incredible people on this journey who I probably wouldn't have met or had time for if I had my own kids. I really feel incredibly grateful for those moments. I have learnt not to take small things for granted in life and that life does not revolve around me and my wants!

We are still waiting for our visas - house is packed, rented out, cars are sorted and accounts closed. As soon as those visas come through we will be outta here and get settled there as soon as we can before I start work!

I'm excited for what's to come - whether it involve babies or not? I can't let that define me or my life. Life doesn't work out the way you hoped and planned for.

The cheesy saying: when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade, is so true! When life throws lemons at you, are you going to sit and throw a tantrum screaming.... I WANTED ORANGES!!!!! Or are you going to pick the lemons up, see what lessons you have learnt, see what people you can learn from, see which people around you are struggling to make the lemonade and help them and then invent a special machine which will help catch future lemons and automatically make lemonade - help easing your process in the future!

I don't want to be the person wishing I had oranges instead my whole life and missing out on all the possibilities that the lemons might bring!

bumps in the road

As I said in my last entry, some feelings have come and taken me quite by surprise and today was another one of those days!

Yesterday Mike and I spent the day sorting through our cupboards and rooms getting readyy for our move. We went through EVERYTHING, dividing things into 3 piles: a pile of things to give away, a pile of things to pack in boxes and store in the garage and a pile of things that we taking with!

While sorting through our stuff I came across a lot of baby things a had either bought or was given when I was pregnant. I didn't expect all the emotions that it would bring up again. I suppose by keeping them in the cupboard I wouldn't have to look at them and face my reality.
I took the stuff and spread it all out on my bed, looked at it all for a while, dreamt a bit, picked them up and felt them. Them put them in a box and got under my duvet and slept feeling very raw again! I slept with the baby stuff next to my bed last night-not knowing what to do with it all.

Its still there!

While at church this morning I glanced over to my left and saw a lady holding her 5 month old baby in front of her and the baby was staring up at her mommy- it made my heart ache. As I turned to my left there was a visibly pregnant lady lovingly rubbing her belly - all of a sudden the tears just came and I totally couldn't stop them!

I had such an ache for my babies all of a sudden! I'm so sad they not with us! I'm so sad I can't hang personalised decorations on a christmas tree (I always look for their names when I go to the shops).

I was so proud of myself last week - I managed to hold myself together while going to see my doctor! I felt a little anxious when I walked in and realised that I would need to wait a bit as she was running late as this meant more time to sit in her waiting room seeing pregnant women and their husbands coming and going! This place has brought such a mixture of feelings in the past- utter joy after hearing a heartbeat but complete despair when told each of my babies had died! But I held myself together and sat and reflected on how far I have come!
I did feel a bit strange for the rest of the day and went to bed early to make the next da come quicker!

So here I am- feeling slightly tender around the edges after having many memories brought up again but also thankful for how far I have come and where I am today and with what lies ahead!

Healing

My house is very quiet this morning.
Mike is away at Sun City with his dad. I have lots of odds and ends to get done today. One of them being finishing my progress reports for school. So I went downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee, got a bowl of cherries for breakfast and started on my reports.

Half way through trying to comment on a girls improvement in her ability to decode blend sounds in words, I suddenly stopped, drew a blank and stared out the window. Before I knew it I had been staring out the window for 15 min and without conciously doing it, had been thinking about my babies. Thinking about my doctors appointments, the baby things I still have in my cupboard and how much I miss them.
All of a sudden my eyes started welling up with tears and I had a good cry!




How weird, that one can be feeling so 'normal' and then all of a sudden these feelings creep up like that. This doesn't mean I have taken big steps back in my journey or have now hit a wall. I have learnt that its ok to have these moments. To have a good cry, to miss what could have been and to think about my babies.

I spent some time with my niece and my god-daughter yesterday and those times were so precious. Little things that people might take for granted I treasure so dearly. Like having my god-daughter throw her arms around my neck and tell me she loves me, or having my 10 month old niece give me a big open-mouth-gobby kiss on the cheek. I didn't mind having dried mushy apple pieces stuck on my skirt or having clips pinned in my hair and princess stickers stuck all over face!

I just love it!



I have a bunch of baby things in my cupboard i am not sure what to do with.
They are too special to just throw away but I feel very sentimental about them because they were meant for MY baby and what am I saying if I just simply get rid of them? But with us moving, I need to do something with it?

I have been thinking something completely ludicrous lately but I am sure that people who have lost someone might feel like this sometimes: with u moving to Singapore, I wonder if our babies know this? This has always been their 'home' and now I am moving away from them. Silly, I know, coz I know where they are and I keep them in my heart but I still have this sense that I am 'leaving them' and I just want them to know where I am going and Im there if they need me?

I had a good giggle with a precious friend of mine yesterday who lost her husband last year. We were both saying how proud we were of each other - and we were looking back to how we felt this time last year. We both did a grief course together and there were some real difficult times. But I am so proud of all the steps forward she has taken in the face of some very difficult times! She inspires me!
And sometimes I also look at how far I have come - yes, with the help of some medication too, but I can feel I am taking steps forward and I think thats why I get caught by surprize by these strange feelings that creep up on me from time to time!

So today, I really feel like being close with my babies, the house is quiet but yet I feel them in my heart. I am sure they would be proud of their mommy who has carried on walking even though her heart aches.

I love them dearly, even though I never met. I feel like I knew them. I carried each one of them! They were mine!

I think I may spend some time reading through my scrapbook again and lighting my candle and just spend some quiet time reflecting today!

My heart feels love today - I can remember them without a rawness that was here a little while ago!

Glory Baby

I just absolutely LOVE the words to this song and I love the actual song and tune as well!

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…




I feel that I have come along way on this journey! From an inceredible high at the beginning of the year with a very special pregnancy to an incredible low in the middle of the year when I realised I needed professional help. I felt like a failure reaching out, but now I realise how it actually took incredible strength and courage to reach out and admit I need help!

So, reflecting on the year (as everyone does at the end of the year), this year has had some very different emotions. But I can honestly say I am still standing here on my 2 feet and I feel stronger and wiser! Things I have learnt about my character, the amazing things I have discovered about Mike and how much I have learnt to lean on God for, have been invaluable lessons!

My heart still aches and tugs often - with reminders here and there!
I often think about what could have been and how much I wish I had my baby to celebrate Christmas with and put up the Christmas tree with and buy presents for. I wish I was a mom and had my baby here to love, hold and enjoy but there are times were I light my special candle at home and watch the flame and am reminded about how they must be dancing and celebrating in heaven!

I just wish I could tell them how much I love them!

But I have many other things to be grateful for and I AM incredibly grateful for them!

Mike and I are still waiting for our visas for Singapore, but we hoping to get them VERY soon and then aim to leave in about 2 weeks time. We are SO looking forward to a new adventure and more things to experience and be grateful for!

But for now, I have learnt to be content in every situation and circumstance and be grateful for what I have in my life NOW!
It may not have been what I initially wanted or planned for but it's what I have now and thats special!