bumps in the road

As I said in my last entry, some feelings have come and taken me quite by surprise and today was another one of those days!

Yesterday Mike and I spent the day sorting through our cupboards and rooms getting readyy for our move. We went through EVERYTHING, dividing things into 3 piles: a pile of things to give away, a pile of things to pack in boxes and store in the garage and a pile of things that we taking with!

While sorting through our stuff I came across a lot of baby things a had either bought or was given when I was pregnant. I didn't expect all the emotions that it would bring up again. I suppose by keeping them in the cupboard I wouldn't have to look at them and face my reality.
I took the stuff and spread it all out on my bed, looked at it all for a while, dreamt a bit, picked them up and felt them. Them put them in a box and got under my duvet and slept feeling very raw again! I slept with the baby stuff next to my bed last night-not knowing what to do with it all.

Its still there!

While at church this morning I glanced over to my left and saw a lady holding her 5 month old baby in front of her and the baby was staring up at her mommy- it made my heart ache. As I turned to my left there was a visibly pregnant lady lovingly rubbing her belly - all of a sudden the tears just came and I totally couldn't stop them!

I had such an ache for my babies all of a sudden! I'm so sad they not with us! I'm so sad I can't hang personalised decorations on a christmas tree (I always look for their names when I go to the shops).

I was so proud of myself last week - I managed to hold myself together while going to see my doctor! I felt a little anxious when I walked in and realised that I would need to wait a bit as she was running late as this meant more time to sit in her waiting room seeing pregnant women and their husbands coming and going! This place has brought such a mixture of feelings in the past- utter joy after hearing a heartbeat but complete despair when told each of my babies had died! But I held myself together and sat and reflected on how far I have come!
I did feel a bit strange for the rest of the day and went to bed early to make the next da come quicker!

So here I am- feeling slightly tender around the edges after having many memories brought up again but also thankful for how far I have come and where I am today and with what lies ahead!