Dates and Tears

This week has been a challenging one!

I have had many challenges at work that I have faced that I didn't think I would.

That, combined with a baby 'anniversary' didn't help the situation either! I always know when there is an anniversary coming up...... I feel it.

Now, I know most people would think that crazy, but the people who know me will know how good I am at remembering dates. I can remember random people's birthdays from years and years back.

I have always had a knack for dates! (and remembering telephone numbers - weird?)

So dates for me are significant. With having the amount of miscarriages that I have had, one would think that everything would be a blur.... and I suppose to a certain extent the pain is a bit blurred into each other, but every detail, date and time of EACH appt is VERY much clear! I will never forget them - they so part of me.

30 Jan 2011 - I told Mike that he was going to be a Dad again! I will never forget his HUGE smile as he just gave me the BIGGEST hug ever! We both just sat together and talked about our fears this time and the joy we feel as well, and how our attitude must be a positive one and we must just keep praying and be thankful for what we have been given!

2 Feb 2011: 1st blood test - Dr J called to say the HCG levels were low (125) and that I needed to go for repeat bloods. I def took a knock that day, but with support from Mike and friends and family we were convinced and encouraged that this baby is 'the keeper'!

4 Feb 2011: 2nd blood test: Dr J called to say she is very happy with levels - they have MORE than doubled in the last 48 hrs (which they are supposed to do), and that she would like to see me for a scan on the 11 Feb!

Oh my..... I remember thinking 'How am I going to wait THAT long?' I needed a scan advent calender to count down the days!!!

11 Feb 2011: EVENTUALLY!!!! I did not sleep the night before - a bundle of nerves and excitement - not sure what the appt would reveal.

To cut a very long and emotional story short - OUR BABY HAD A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!! We watched it flutter away on the screen - our baby had a heartbeat!!!

I actually have NO words to even begin to try describe that feeling.........

Straight after the appt with our beloved Dr J, Mike went back to work and I met Kathleen for coffee at Cavendish. But before we met there she called to just find out if it was good news or bad news..... WAY too many times before had she got me on the other end of the phone sobbing and saying that the baby had died, so this time she just wanted to prepare herself!!

So we sat down at Mugg and Bean, placed our order and I started to give her a second by second account of what happened at the appt. Eventually when I got to the part about the heartbeat we both just broke down and sobbed at the table with big smiles across our faces!

She knew VERY well how much that heartbeat meant to us and how long we had waited for that moment!

(I get teary eyed just thinking about it). Yes, how long and how much had we LONGED for that moment and now it seems like a distant memory with nothing to show for it!



I don't want to go into the rest of that pregnancy,
I just want to dwell on the indescribable feelings that I was feeling.
I want to just remember that JOY for a few minutes,
I want to remember that thought - Im going to be a mom!

I want to remember that feeling of protection I had towards my baby!

This time last year I was feeling all those feelings - and most of them have come back with a twist!

Yes, I still have moments when I cry, when my heart actually aches for what we have lost - and thats ok.
I have come to know that its ok to feel whatever emotion I feel, and I need to, because its all part of the journey! As I sit here, the tears are just flowing - and thats ok.


We want God to fix all of our problems. God says instead, "I have a purpose for your problems. I want to use your problems to change and to reveal My grace and power to the world. That is the Truth and the Truth WILL set you free.



So yes, there is an empty crib in my house, but I choose to rest in God's plan for it and for My life.