New beginnings

A friend of mine sent me this:

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.

That will be the beginning.

- Louis L’Amour

I have been thinking about that over the last little while and I think that it is so true in my life too!
And I feel that it means naturally finished, emotionally finished and spiritually finished!

I had definitely come to that place not so long ago!
I remember a time in my life after the last miscarriage where I honestly thought I would NEVER feel better about myself or about life anymore!

My joy had been taken!



Happiness and joy are very different!

For a long time I could fake my happiness around people - somehow we don't like exposing ourselves and admit we struggling! This lasted until close friends and family saw cracks and I just couldn't pretend anymore!
I was broken inside - grief had completely taken over!
Sadness, loneliness, grief, disappointment and anger had become my constant companion every day and I hated it!

I longed to laugh again - really laugh! I longed to wake up and be excited for the day!

The following verses that have been on my mind lately is:

God makes all things new!

He will turn your mourning into dancing!

In those initial months of grief, you feel so consumed by it all that you cant imagine there ever being light again! Its a place I NEVER wish to go back to and that is a fear I have of ever trying again - as I may need to face that reality again (so the 'safe' place is to not have my own children.)

Its been a year since I fell pregnant for the last time - I remember those initial feelings of .... YAY!!!!!! im pregnant again - well, that lasted a whole 2 seconds and then dread set in!

I feel I have left all that behind in Cape Town! I think its all part of healing. Everywhere I turned reminded me of what I had been through. Even some people did! I have nothing here in Singapore to remind me of the heartache - everything is new and fresh and that what my life feels like at the moment! And it is not a running away feeling - but, wow, it feels amazing to be able to take a clear, full breath in and relax and smile again!

Just when I thought I was all finished........ It was just the beginning!

Im excited about our new beginning! Im excited about all the opportunities to open up!