My last post was Mothers Day, which I found particularly difficult this year and I actually thought it would be easier as we are away in a new country and away from old reminders.
But I actually just wanted to sleep the day away and wake up the next day!

Lately, there has been such a little niggle in my heart - like a longing and a yearning!
I really miss what we have lost - my heart really feels sad sometimes!

Mike and I have booked a weekend away on a little Indonesian Island for the weekend of the 17 June.
We only realised yesterday that that day is Fathers Day - and we were relieved that we were going to be away.
Perhaps just time with the 2 of us would be great!

Fathers Day is a very difficult day for Mike too and that just makes me sad!

When I got home from work yesterday, I knew that he wasn't himself and after some probing, he said that he had a good cry yesterday after stopping in at the 7-11 shop to buy a drink on his way to his touch rugby game. He saw some Fathers day cards and emotions and feelings came up out of nowhere! Sneaky grief emotions! They come up unexpected sometimes!

Another significant event happened on the 17th June last year.
We had our memorial service for our babies on this day!

I hated having to officially say 'good bye'. That was definitely not something I had expected when we had decided to start expanding our family! We had to say goodbye too soon, TOO many times!

(My 'last' moments with my baby!)

(Our memorial service)

Grief is such a journey - everyone is on their own path and takes their own time to work through what they need to!

There is so much more that is going through my mind right now but I actually dont know how to put my feelings into words! Im not feeling very articulate this morning, but my heart is just overflowing with feelings and emotions!

A Mother's Day wish from heaven!

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

We are writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, we see everything from here.

We just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for our mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake we thought, every card you could imagine
Except we could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where we reside
we had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

We thought that if we wrote you, that you would come to know
that though we live in heaven now, we still love our mother so.

She talks with us, and dreams with us; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries us in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor us, sometimes far into the night

She lights a special candle often, there our living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though we no longer live on earth
We must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, We know you’ll do your best
We have done all we can do; to you we’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to us
Until we can do it for ourselves, when she joins us in eternity.

~ Regards, Gilmour Babies ~

Adopted for Life

Regardless of our journey and whats happened, that feeling of broodiness has never left. Yes, fear has definitely taken over in certain aspects - we do not want me to fall pregnant again for fear of what might go wrong again. If we fall pregnant again and we lose another baby, I don't think it will be easy to forgive ourselves for making the decision to try again. But there is also the chance that a new pregnancy could result in a healthy baby - are we willing to risk it? No. Not at this stage. I do not actually have that desire to be pregnant again. My heart used to ache when I saw others pregnant. But not any more. It scares me. Too many bad memories of being pregnant.

Since being in Singapore, our hearts have been softened for the fatherless and since doing our research on adoption options, our eyes have been opened to the amount of innocent children who are left with no parents or family due to various situations. My heart breaks for them! We are excited about adoption possibilities that lie ahead for us!