A Letter to Heaven

My dear boy, you would be turning two!
Those weeks I had with you, too few.

I find myself going back to that day
when the doctor had news too devastating to say

Your fragile heart was no longer beating,
and I realised that day we would not be meeting.

Your short but powerful life completely affected me
my days and others - all so different I see.

Life is now seen through a whole different lens
I treasure life's sweet blessings and friends.

I do get sad when it seems so easy for others
and I watch people take on their new role as mothers

But you taught me so much in a short little while
I can say "bring it on" to any a trial!

I love you so much, I want you to know
that I am YOUR mother and I miss you SO!

Dear Little One,

Seeing the quote above made me think of you and how even years down the line I still think of you!
Just like a Mother's love never expires for her children, my love for you won't either.

I still carried you, loved you, had plans for you.

SO much has changed in the 4 years since we lost you! Losing you made us grow up quickly and realise that life can throw curve balls that we are not prepared for but have to get through.

I was so naive on the morning of the 18 Aug 2009 - looking forward to meeting you and seeing you.
Finding out your heart had stopped beating was beyond crushing! We really didn't see that one coming at all!

I just want you to know that I love you like a mother loves her children she has here on earth!
I still wonder what life would be like if you were here.

Yet, you have taught us so much about life, ourselves and each other that we are grateful for!

If we hadn't lost you I doubt we would have made the move to Singapore and wouldnt have the opportunity to discover a whole different side of living!

So, Precious One, I want you to know that we love you and miss you!!!!

How to start a family?

Most often couples who go through infertility often hear people say, "Well, you can just adopt?"

Well, It really isn't JUST lets adopt!!

Today Mike and I went to meet with a social worker who gathers information and completes the couples home study. This home study gives "Permission" for the couple to be parents!

I had no clue what to wear!! When I was changed I asked Mike.... "Do I look like a potential Mom?"

It's rather strange to think that someone else is going to give you the "OK" to be parents! I totally can understand why - there are way too many cases of abuse, neglect and child trafficking that happen out there!

So here is just a "SHORT" list of what documentation needs to be gathered and handed to the social worker for her to start the home study(HS):

1. Register with an online portal here in Singapore so they can just keep track of adoption taking place.

2. Sign a declaration that there is no foreign child staying with us while we under go our home study.

3. Complete and sign consent forms for the agency to commence with the HS.

4. Complete a questionnaire - VERY comprehensive questionaire!

5. We need to complete online training on baby care, attachment issues, bonding etc.

6. Documents:
Passports
Employment Pass documents
Birth Certificates
Marriage Certificate

7. Health Check up: we need a full medical checkup.

8. Employment verification: Proof that we have a job, how long we have worked there and what our salary is.

9. We need to give a statement of net worth - all life insurances etc.

10. A copy of tax assessments for the past 2 years.

11. A monthly budget showing our income and monthly expenditure and showing that we do have money to support a child.

12. Copies of our academic qualifications.

13. Criminal background check - proof that we dont have a criminal record.

14. We need to give 2 character references each.

15. Guardianship: We need to nominate someone to be guardian of our child if something had to happen to us and that person has to give a signed acceptance of guardianship.

Once all the above documentation is collected, the HS can begin that includes an office and a home visit.
We need to ensure that our house is armed with a smoke detector and a fire extinguisher!

Once the HS has been completed and a final report has been written, we then need to contact another agency who is responsible for sourcing a baby.

That is a tricky part because we living in Singapore and the logistics of it can be complicated.

So, please think twice before saying to a couple "Oh, well if you cant fall pregnant, you can JUST adopt!"

All the above is ONLY the logistical part, never mind the emotional part that accompanies the process!

We have lots to chew on!!!

18 months on

In my last entry I spoke about how I should change the title of my blog to "Living" and not "waiting".
I am not sure that I am really waiting anymore - but rather taking all opportunities and going for it!

I think I have shocked myself too. I was never the "adventurous" type at all.
All I wanted was to have children, be a stay-at-home mom, baking cookies all day and going for play dates with my other friends who had kids.

If you had told me that at 30 I would be living in Singapore with no kids I would have laughed a nervous laugh!

But here I am!

No kids, living in Singapore with Mike, loving my job, traveling to places I never dreamed I would ever go and experiencing things that were way out of my comfort zone!
I would never in a million years think that I would ever go scuba diving - I freak out just snorkelling - but there I went and did it and felt such a sense of accomplishment!

So we are 18 months into our life in Singapore!
There have been challenges - but to be honest, in comparison to the grief and heartache that we have gone through in the last 4 years, they have been nothing that we can't tackle!
Team Gilmour has grown tremendously in all 8 years (nearly) of it's married existence. We have cried til we laughed and laughed til we cried!

Mike and I sat down and named all the places we have managed to travel to in the last 18 months and were blown away!!
NEVER did I ever think I would have an opportunity to travel there....

Our travels:
Sibu Island (off the coast of Malaysia)

Dayang (Also an Island off Malaysia where we got our diving certification)

Bintan (Indonesian Island just off Singapore's shores)

Thailand (Krabi and Phuket)

Switzerland

France

Bali

Vietnam

Hong Kong

Jeju Island, South Korea

Okinawa, Japan

Shanghai

..... and there are plenty more places in the plans!!

So here we are in Singapore, just the 2 of us, LIVING each and every day!!

Living

I was lying in bed last night (trying to sleep amongst the jet lag) and I was thinking of my blog and all that has been written over the years.

I was thinking about how the name of my blog should be changed from "Waiting" to "Living".

I'm not sure I am waiting anymore?
Waiting has a connotation that life is temporarily on hold until you get 'that thing' you have been waiting for. There definitely was a time a few years ago when I was waiting with such anxiety but hope for a baby. The entire past few years just seemed like a time of waiting....

Waiting to fall pregnant.
Waiting to have the first blood test.
Waiting to see the doctor.
Waiting to have the first scan.
Waiting to have the D&C so my life can continue.

Waiting to fall pregnant.... and so the cycle of waiting started all over again!!

For the first time in MANY years, I feel that I am not waiting but living!

Don't get me wrong, if a baby was placed in my arms tomorrow I would cry a thousand tears of happiness, but it's not something I feel I NEED in order to make my life complete.
Perhaps I have learnt to live without a baby or children - I feel overwhelmed when I hear people talk about how busy they are with their children.
It scares me! I enjoy my "my" time.

In one of my previous blog posts I remember saying that I miss manic bathtime, supper time etc - but I can't say that I do anymore - I cherish the quiet times.

For the first time in years I feel I am enjoying each and every day and not just wishing it over to move on to the next. Thats what I used to do:
Wishing my days away to get to the next milestone so that my baby would have more of a chance to survive.

I calculated the other day that with all my pregnancies I would have nearly made it to full term - if only if it was with just 1 pregnancy!

So for now, I am not "waiting", I am "living".

Keeping Busy

"Keeping busy doesn’t heal grief - you just get better at running on the spot!"



Certain things have struck at different times in the last few years.
And lately there has been another "ash ha" moment on my behalf!

I have liked to keep myself busy and surround myself with people all the time because it's when I'm by myself that my true feelings come out! It's those quiet times where I feel a nudge on my heart, where I want to take out the scrapbook I made and just run my fingers over all the scan pics, the little stickers I put in and the letters I wrote.

It's the need for something tangible to touch - so that my feelings are validated.

It's the same with everyone - when you are by yourself, thats when you can be still and the real you can come to the surface.
There are days where I really might be having a sad day or finding a particular situation difficult. But if I really tell people that I'm feeling that way I am scared of the responses I might get.
Yes, what I lost, I lost years ago, but it doesn't mean it's all forgotten about. Done and dusted?

I have spoken with many women who have lost babies through whatever situations and circumstances, and even when they have gone on to have children who are born healthy, they always have that little tug of tenderness in their hearts for the little one/s they wish they got to meet and cuddle.

I really don't like being by myself because it gives me time to think and a lot of emotions can come to the surface.
When I happen to be alone I will always have the tv on, or I am reading a magazine - I am never properly alone with myself.
Even if I go out to have a pedi or mani, I am on my phone or reading a magazine - trying to distract myself!

The 1 thing I can clearly remember from the grief course is that there is NO way around grief.

Unfortunately, you have to feel all the feelings that come up in order to heal - no matter how many years pass, different feelings will come up and when they do you just have to feel them and deal with them!

You cannot go through the grief process and pass the emotions as they come or ignore them!

Our society often sets expectations and time limits for certain types of grief - but grief is totally individual!

Love

I have recently been struck with how sometimes people can be overcome with feelings that they never saw coming! Especially for those people who are grieving!

This morning is was in the kitchen doing the dishes (yes, I do venture into a room called a kitchen every so often but only because we had friends around for dinner on Thursday night and I just HAD to do dishes).
There I was with my hands in soapy water and all of a sudden tears started running down my cheeks and I had this overwhelming longing in my heart for my babies!
I just started praying and asked God to give each of them a big hug and a kiss from me and asked Him to tell them that I loved each of them SO much and that I missed them SO much!

Then it struck me that I never got to actually know my Babies but yet I feel like I know them and I know what type of children they would have become! Crazy to all of a sudden be so overcome with emotion - out of the blue like that, years on. Obviously, pain lessens as time goes on but the are always moments where my heart just crumbles and I miss what could have been!

That's what grief is! I don't wish to go back to the raw times at all - that was the hardest and darkest time of my life and how grateful I am that I have moved on!

But for today, for now, my heart wishes I could be sitting on the couch with all my babies on my lap and telling them how much I love them all and smothering them in kisses! Each of them brought us such joy for the short time they we with us!!

30 years

As my 30th is fast approaching I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately!

I think we all have expectations of where we want to be and what we want to have achieved by a certain age - and if we are all honest, very few of us follow that specific road because life happens.

Who sets those rules?
Who cares if you don't have your 2.5 kids by the age of 30?

Have you failed if you haven't bought your 1st house by 30?

So what if you still single by 30?

Society thinks we will only be happy and content if we are married with kids, drive the 4X4, bought the double-story house in the suburbs and have a 'good' job by the time we reach a certain age.

How wrong is that! It puts unnecessary pressure on people.

I was one of those people!

I have had my few personal struggles through the last 4 years and it threw me!

I didn't know how to make sense of my life.

Losing my pregnancies, dealing with the loss that each baby represented and experiencing the grief that I did, was the first time in my 26 years that I had to deal with life taking an unexpected turn.

My life had been sheltered and "safe" up until that time.
All of a sudden I had to deal with feelings and emotions that I didn't think I had the capacity to have - anger, rage, jealousy, hurt, raw pain!
It was such a low time! :(
I hate the pain that I experienced but I treasure what it's taught me.

I wrote down 30 things I have learnt over the last few years.
Some may ring true with you, some may be obvious but hit home for me.

1. Life is fragile and precious.

2. Spend time with people who build you up and encourage you.

3. You will not get poor by giving.

4. A woman is no less of a woman if she doesn't have children or is unmarried.

5. Do what makes you happy. If you are unhappy, do something about it.

6. Spend time enjoying the simple pleasures in life - whatever that means for you.

7. Don't judge others decisions - you have not walked their path.

8. Sometimes people don't need your advice or answers - they just need someone to listen to them.

9. If someone is grieving - let them grieve, it's a natural process they need to go through. You can't "fix" them.

10. Take time to feel emotions you are feeling.

11. Compliment others.

12. The promise was not that life would be perfect but that we would be held.

13. Try something new. You might really enjoy it.

14. Your self worth does not come from others approval of you.

15. We are all blessed - regardless of material things we have or have not.

16. Never underestimate the importance of sleep.

17. We don't only live once, we live EVERY DAY.

18. Life goes on, regardless of what you are going through.

19. Family loves you unconditionally.

20. Treasure the few friends you have, rather than please everyone.

21. You can't ignore grief, you have to experience all the feelings in order to heal.

22. Don't measure yourself against what others have or don't have.

23. Some friends come into your life for a short season but impact your life enormously.

24. Be honest with others.

25. Be honest with yourself.

26. Know when it's time to say goodbye to one dream in order to make room for another one.

27. Look after your body.

28. Respect that we are all different and that we may have different dreams in life.

29. It's a privilege to celebrate with others joys, but to also share in their pain.

30. A problem shared, is a problem halved.