Nothing I do during my days takes my mind off things, or makes the pain go away! I cant help but feel that on the 18 Aug last year, my life changed. Sadness has been my companion for the last year!
I hate the fact that others are preg around me.... I have nothing to add to conversations about babies or pregnancies...... I feel like im not invited to the party and sit on the side lines watching in!

Just Those Few Weeks

For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

I have been overwhelmed by the variation of people's reactions to miscarriage. Some talk about it openly, but many don't. I was surprised by the number of women who confided in me that they, too, had lost a baby. I had had no idea. For many years, it was just not talked about. It was kept secret, as if someone had done something wrong, or as if, by not speaking of it, the loss would somehow be less. These women suffer alone. Maybe it's because you don't get to see your child's face or hear his cry, never know her touch--often you do not even know it if was a boy or a girl. Most often, this child goes without a name, without recognition. You are expected to "get over it and move on". Your tears fall in private.

In the months that follow a miscarriage, many women suffer from depression, but often it is not dealt with openly. Depression is looked upon as weakness, a lack of faith. What these women may not realize is that depression is a very natural occurrence after a loss like this. The body's hormonal balance is thrown out of whack, and the depression is a result of this hormonal imbalance. They may want to "move on" but can't.

People are replaceable! Thats what I've discovered this week.
One can pour their heart and soul into something, can leave and be replaced without batting an eyelid. I have always been the type of person to try so hard to do the right thing, say the right thing, behave in the right way and I just wish I had the courage to sometimes really believe in how I feel about somethings and to tell people off where I think they are out of line!
I wish I could stand up to some people, but somehow I just don't have the right words to express how I'm really feeling inside!

Although I still make mistakes, you have new mercy for me everyday. Your love never fails. And even if I run away, your love never fails!
You stay the same through the ages, your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that you love me. Your love never fails!

Mommy’s angel!

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a mother”?
And I know I heard him say.

“A mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you”?

“Yes, you can”, He replied
with confidence in his voice
“I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice”

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there’s no need to stay.

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw a tear.

“I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your child’s smile,
with all the other children and say…

“We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here”.

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They’ll be at the gate for you

what do you say.........?

What do you say when a baby dies and someone says.....
"At least you didn't bring it home"
What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone says......
"At least it never lived".
What do you say when a other of 3 says......
"Think of all the time you will have".
What do you say when so many say........
"You can always have another".
What do you say when someone says .......nothing?
What do you say when someone says....... "I'm sorry!"
You say with grateful tears and warm embrace, "Thank you"!

Sometimes I think its easier to be hurt physically. It can be fixed, a plaster can be put on, a bandage can be wrapped around it. But when your heart is broken it's a lot more complicated. Yes, I think time does help heal, but your heart never heals completely! Perhaps the raw pain may dull but it NEVER goes away! The hurt will never be forgotten. Sometimes it hurts even going back to the place where the hurt 1st took place.

I have always thought how I never want my pain to be in vain. I have seen life from a different angle. I have learnt things I wouldn't have learnt if I hadn't gone through this. Life is such a journey. And it was never promised that it would be on a straight road. There are twists and turns. Unexpected accidents and road blocks, but it's how we react to these that counts. How we touch other peoples lives that matter! We are all in this together.
It is hard to not look at someone elses life and not become bitter and jealous.

I have really struggled with this one. I am very jealous of pregnant women. Jealous that they have what I want and was taken away from me. Jealous that they have already gotten through their 'danger' period. I feel like shouting at them that they have no idea! But I dont know their story behind their pregnancy. May have been numerous miscarriages, numerous attempts at IVF? But none the less, every time someone is pregnant, its like my wound is opened again, but with each opening comes healing. Like salt being poured on a wound, its stings like hell at first, but that actually brings healing!

I have been feeling particulary sad today! I have been thinking about what could have been. I took out my scan pictures and just stared at for a good while. Not sure how much time had past but it was a while.
We are just not in control of things that happen in life. The good and the bad.
People say that all these things build character, well, I've had enough of this character building thing. I sometimes fantastise about ever seeing a heartbeat on a sonar screan - it seems so unobtainable! How will I feel?
At the moment I am fearful, fearful that I will lose another baby, lose more hopes and dreams and expectations that have been so much a part of who I am for so long!

I am feeling very thankful for all the people I have in my life right now! Every friend is here for a reason and all have touched my life in a very special way! Some are here for a lifetime and some are here for just a season or to help us through a time in our lives!

"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful.
I am waiting on your Lord, though it is painful. Patiently I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident. Taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting, I will serve you!
While I'm waiting, I will worship!"

These words have encouraged me so much. I feel like everyone has been invited to a party except me. I am constantly needing to be happy for other people and share in their 'good news' while my heart is aching.
Sometimes my mind wonders and I relive the doctors appointments, scans, operations and my heart aches. Some days it's just too sore to even think about it. On those days, I just feel so fragile I want to wrap myself in tissue paper to avoid being hurt!
I never want to get or seem bitter. I am constantly having to keep my emotions in check, and it's difficult!

Saturday 3 July

I love going away on holiday! There is something about a change of environment and routine that is refreshing. However, there is also occasional feeling of dread when coming home again! Fear of slipping into the mundane rhythm of life again! Returning to the things that you were keen to get away from in the first place. At the end of the day it's about choice. We can choose to return to that place or we can choose to change.

Sometimes it's easier said than done! It's a constant and daily thing that I need to deal with. Particularly after have my miscarriages. My whole world feels so out of control. My pregnancies were the one thing that I couldn't control and that is not easy for me to let go!