I was reading a friend of mines story about her journey since losing her precious daughter at 5 months gestation and so much of what she wrote I am feeling too.
Its amazing that there are certain elements of grief that are the same. All circumstances, stories and losses can be different but there are certain aspects of grief that are the same.
This is some of how she explains her feelings and I couldn't help but think that it could have been ME writing because this is exactly how I feel.......
"I couldn’t feel any interest or joy in anything. All the things that used to fascinate me and give me great joy – painting, writing, business planning, coaching, reading… I tried to go back to doing them but I was just going through the motions, trying to fill time really. I remember thinking, “what if I live a really long life? That’s a hek of time I’ll have to figure out how to fill. And if I can’t feel interest or joy in any of the things I fill my time with, that’s going to be the most unbearably long time.” I wasn’t suicidal, but for the first time in my life I felt absolutely no positive anticipation or hope for my future and I sincerely hoped that I would not live a long life.
My inability to feel interest or joy made it incredibly difficult to socialize, almost impossible to do basic household maintenance and completely impossible to continue with my business. Some days it was hard to even get out of bed, because I just couldn’t think of a good reason to do so and I knew that as soon as I got out of bed, I’d have an eternity of time to fill and no idea what was worth filling it with."
These words of hers are spot on as to how I feel. This morning I was driving to work thinking whats the point anymore? My world is so small, I can only think of what I need to do to get through this very day. It's too overwhelming to even think about the next day.
My heart aches when I hear of others praying about things and their prayers being answered...... because I feel like mine are being shelved in "file 13" - to either be forgotten about or found one day down the line and dusted off.
The rejection I feel is HUGE! Rejection by God, rejection by friends with whom the things I have in common with is getting less and less as they add to their families and mine stays the same. No advice - other than Speech and Language development advice - to give.
It scares me that - at this moment in time - I don't not feel that small glimmer of hope that perhaps 1 day I will still have a little baby.
After the other miscarriages I did feel some hope, but this time I don't and that scares me.
Having children or having a baby is not a "right" like I thought it was.
How does it make us feel when people emphasise children being a gift and blessing from God. (Which it says in the bible and which I COMPLETELY agree with). I know so many little children who just bring such JOY and HAPPINESS to their families!
However, how does that make the childless woman feel, who has SO longed for children - Does she feel blessed?
- Does she feel special and loved enough?
- Does she feel worthy?
I wish I had answers. I wish I could make sense of it all.
I wish I could feel loved and found to be worthy enough to have a baby, but I don't and that breaks my heart!
Sandi - children are gifts in the sense that they offer opportunities for so much love and awe. But, as someone who, like you, also hasn't been given the "gift" of children, I have a problem with the use of the word "gift" or even "blessing" when people say, "Children are a gift and blessing from God." Culturally, our understanding of the word gift often implies that the receiver did something to earn the gift. And let's face it, culturally, we are told the story that you're not a "complete" woman until you've birthed children and there's a certain smugness from people who have lots of children when they walk around saying, "Children are a blessing from God." As if, "Look at me, I'm so blessed by God - I must be special."
ReplyDeleteI'm not a student of the bible or any of the biblical languages, but I'd be surprised if that is the meaning of gift or blessing in the places in the bible where it says that children are gifts/ blessings.
From what I understand, the central idea in Christianity is the idea of Grace - without the model of grace provided by Christ's death on the cross, it's not Christianity. Grace is when we're forgiven/ blessed even though we did nothing to deserve it. It's not to say we all suck so much that we should just be so lucky for grace - we're all beautiful and we're all doing our best with what we've got. But Grace is when the gift or blessing has nothing to do with who you are and whether you deserve it.
We ALL deserve opportunities to feel and share deep love, and to create and nurture. Some people get children as one of the opportunities for that expression, and other people get other opportunities for that expression. I don't know what opportunities for love you'll have found or used by the end of your life, but I do know that it'll have nothing to do with how much you deserve it or how worthy you are. Because it's all grace and has nothing to do with our worthiness.