Memories

I love scrapbooking! It a time where I can just be by myself, enjoy the quietness and let my creative juices flow! I have done a scrapbook for our wedding, one for my mom's 50th and one for my precious god-daughter for her 1st birthday! They are very special and I love sitting and browsing through them from time to time and remembering.

I also once made a scrapbook for a lady whose baby passed away 10 days after she was born. I knew how very precious those few pictures were to her and I wanted to be able to make her something that she will treasure forever. I found that process very therapeutic for me as well.

After we had the memorial for all the babies we had lost, I kept all the poems, letters and verses that people had brought with them. I appreciate the time and effort that people took to share that day with us and the time they took to bring something with of meaning to them and us. I wanted to keep those special items and make a scrapbook out of them. It's something that I am sure will be healing for me as well. Although people may think it was 'just miscarriages', it has been a major life-changing experience in our lives, and I don't think someone quite understands the impact and trauma unless one has been through it themselves.

It is a very personal and private loss that society expects one to recover from really quickly. I found my feelings surrounding the losses of the babies to be difficult to understand myself sometimes. I had nothing tangible to attribute my loss to. I technically hadn't 'lost' anything and I never got to hold my babies, but then why did my heart ache so badly. How can you miss something that you never knew or never met? However, anyone who has been pregnant knows the instant connection you feel the second you find out you are pregnant. The planning has already long begun.

The memorial was incredibly special and we felt very supported and loved by friends and family. To be able to share our grief with them was very vulnerable for us but yet completely freeing at the same time.

I decided to do a scrapbook containing the letters that I wrote to each baby just after they died and put the special tributes from friends and family in there too.












It has been over 2 years since the 1st miscarriage and I still have days where I just sob. Days where my heart literally aches with sadness. I think that the repeated trauma of the other miscarriages that followed hasn't helped the healing and it's just created one big mess of feelings. I would do anything to change what has happened in the last 2 years. I long to experience what most of my friends have or are experiencing. To be on the sideline as a spectator is incredibly difficult. The promise of life was there and then taken away. Repeatedly.

Lately things have been particularly difficult - anticipating yet another would-be-due-date. Its a total mindset change yet again.

I think there are many aspects and avenues to this healing journey of mine. Everyone grieves differently and in different ways. Scrapbooking the losses is just one way that helps me reflect and remember.

I think the next scrapbook will be called "The Gilmour's take on Singapore!" :)

Benefits?

The Benefits of Infertility?

Obviously we would never wish infertility upon ourselves but if you are diagnosed with infertility issues of any kind, you can try make the most of your situation. It’s the very least you can do for yourselves and it will help you out in the long run.

Getting upset and frustrated will only add stress to your life and this is definitely a time when it’s very important to keep stress levels as low as possible.

(As I have said before, an extended definition of infertility is the inability to give birth to a baby, so when using the term infertility I am also referring to recurrent miscarriage.)

So, you’re probably asking…how the heck can I turn infertility into a positive thing. I ask myself that every single day! Easier said than done! I have to OFTEN remind myself that this is not plan B for my life - this is where I am supposed to be.
Oh yes, there are times I wish it was some nasty dream and I'll wake up and have my brood right next to me - but I have been given this 1 life and I have to live it to the full!
There are a few things a person can do to better yourself and your lifestyle. The opportunities are endless if you put your thinking cap on.

Change your life habits.

Going through infertility is a perfect time to change your life habits. Learn to treat yourself better. Just like anything, it will take a routine for it to truly become part of your lifestyle but now is the perfect time. When going through infertility, a healthy body and lifestyle is a huge factor. Eat better, exercise, reduce stress and sleeping habits are four very important pieces to fertility. Start here. See how changing your life habits can change your infertility. Not to mention, you will be healthier in general. There was a time where I thought why should I look after this body when it has failed me repeatedly? But then one day, my body just gave in, which affected my emotions as well. It is just better in the long run to look after yourself, eat right, exercise and pamper yourself!

Start your own fertility blog.

Blogging is a great way to write about your feelings, thoughts and comments on particular situations. Infertility is definitely a time that you will need to open up and blogging can help do this. Blogs are simple to set up and you need to know nothing about programming or coding. If you know how to type, you can blog. You never know…you might really enjoy blogging.

Grow closer to your better half.

Infertility can be a major stress on your life and your husband/wife’s life. This is a time when you can go two different ways. Further apart or closer together. Husband and wife have different ways of grieving for what could have been - perhaps there are feelings of guilt, feelings of failure and 'what if's' - "what if he had married someone else - he would be there dad he has always wanted to be!" There is nothing good that will come out of arguing about infertility or being upset that you are infertile. This will just drive you apart. Learn to talk about infertility and learn about infertility. Get as much knowledge as you can about infertility and or miscarriage. Do it together. The more you know…the better equipped you will be in dealing with infertility and the treatments you might have to go through.

Realize that life isn’t always perfect.

This particular point is so very true. Whoever has had a perfect life so far, please contact me and let me know how you did it. Things don’t always go our way. Some of us learn that the hard way! Infertility is one of those things that can creep up on us and hit us like a ton of bricks. Most people don’t assume they are infertile. It catches them off guard and is a major curve ball in life.


Use infertility as a major life experience.

There are some major life experiences we face. Some good. Some not so good. After going through recurrent miscarriages with Mike, as difficult, painful and sad as it has been - good can come out of it. I really think infertility / miscarriage is a great learning lesson. It helps you realize the miracle of pregnancy. It helps you realize all of the little pieces that have to happen before you can get pregnant. It keeps you humble. It can help change your life and lifestyle. You can become healthier because of infertility. You can become more educated because of infertility. It can grow your relationship. It can make you realize the important things in life that we often forget about. Infertility can be a positive major life experience.

The journey forwards.

The tests results showed that our baby had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 16. Babies with full Trisomy 16 will never make it - it is always fatal. Tests also revealed that our baby was going to be another BOY!



That was difficult!

After being referred to another fertility clinic, more tests were carried out, including genetic testing for Mike and I, and another hysteroscopy to check my uterus again. 7 weeks after the miscarriage I had to go into hopsital for yet another D&C as tests showed that the baby's placenta was still in the uterus and the risk of infection is too high to leave. So, once again, it was a trip to Kingsbury, general anaethetic and recovery time. We were now sick and tired of this all. After being knocked down, getting up time and time again, just to be knocked down again - was it all really worth it. We were starting to doubt if we could actually ever try this again? When is enough enough?



Once again, Mike was amazing! He has been right by side through this all. We have cried together, laughed together and dreamed together! This has brought us closer than we could ever imagine. Our wedding vows were made real to us: in sickness and in health. I am beyond amazed at what an amazing, strong and supportive husband I have!

My dear friend brought up the idea of perhaps having a memorial service for all the babies we have lost. Initially, I just choked up at the thought of it but after letting it sit for a while we thought it might be a very good idea. It will be a time to say goodbye to our babies and validate their short lives.

Looking back - that memorial service was a turning point in our grief journey! So many emotions roll into one big ball of mess and you eventually can;t see the wood for the trees. The memorial was very special. Family and close friends were there. each brought a poem, letter or verses to read. Mike and I were able to read out letters we had written to our babies of the plans and dreams we had for each one of them. It was very freeing to be able to share our grief with people. The grief from a miscarriage is a very personal and isolating grief, and we felt liberated and privileged to be able to share that. It was a sad but very important and special day!





What now?

I don't know how this story is going to end? I don't know what our next step will involve? My thinking and beliefs have been challenged to my very core.
For the first time ever, we have started talking about the possibility of being a childless couple. That has been a very very difficult thing for me to think about. We always think that having children is a 'given' but it's not.
I don't know why, and I don't understand a lot of things right now? The question of children being a way that God shows us his love, favour and blessing is also difficult for me to understand right now. Have I done something wrong? Is this a punishment? How come other friends of mine are getting it right? Are they more blessed than me? I have always wanted to be a mom. Even my career and choice of current job gave way to having children. Mike and I have always dreamed of a big garden with children running around.
That might still happen, but it might not?

I feel angry sometimes, but not sure who I am angry with? Myself? God? Other gloating pregnant friends? Friends who have children and seem to have it all? If I'm honest, perhaps all of the above. The feelings of failure on my part are HUGE. I feel I have tried and have failed.

So, I'm not sure where this leaves Mike and I right now? I can say we have grown through this all. Perhaps having biological children won't be an option, perhaps we will look at other ways of being parents or perhaps we will just be the 2 of us.

Whatever happens, we can't change what has happened.

We have so many things to be grateful for! We have this life that we have been given and we need to live it to the full. We need to be all that God intended for us to be. If having children is the only thing we strive for in life, we will be missing out on so much else. There is more to life and there is more to us.
This is not God's plan B for our lives - we are exactly where God wants us right now and we are all the more closer to each other and richer because of it.

God has been with us every step of the way and has seen all our tears and heard all our prayers. He knows the questions we are asking and all the feelings we are struggling with.
God is still good and we ARE blessed because of what Jesus did on the cross - not because of what we have or don't have. Children or no children - we are blessed because - above all - He died for us!

The One?

After the previous heartbreaking miscarriage, Mike and I decided that we desperately wanted to keep positive and although the previous pregnancy had not worked out we were willing to try again.
However, we were not going to go through the same process at the clinic that we did the previous time. part of me thought that we had wasted a lot of time, money and emotionally reserves that we already had very little of. We felt rather optimistic - despite everything that had recently gone on.
A new year is for new beginnings, right?

So, I made an appointment to see Dr J again and explained everything that had happened. Even though she had referred me to this particular fertility clinic I said I wasn't happy and didn't want to go back. I asked her if I could try 1 more time under her care. She agreed, but said that if I had another miscarriage she would refer me elsewhere yet again.
Sure! In the back of my mind, I thought, "Dr J - there isn't going to be ANOTHER miscarriage. I've been through it all. There HAS to come a time where it will work?"

Friday 28 January: A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST :)
I couldn't believe it! Mike was at a waterpolo game and I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could share it with him! He was gonna be a dad again! And I knew in my heart that this was it! Enough heartache and disappointment - this was it! :)
I think the best word to describe how we felt was cautiously optimistic! Knowing what we knew from past experience made things more real to us.

A blood test a few days later showed that my hcg levels were 150, which Dr J said were a little low and she wanted me to have a re-test in 48 hours. The actual hcg value in itself is not too important but it's more about how they are increasing. They are supposed to double every 48 hrs.
Waiting to go for more bloods and waiting for results left me feeling sick to my stomach and the progesterone that I had started to take didn't help that feeling at all. Finally Dr J got back to me and said that she is very happy as the hcg levels MORE than doubled in 48 hrs!

YIPPEE!!!!!

She scheduled an ultrasound with me for the 11 February - as by then we should be able to see something on the scan! She wanted me to triple my intake of progesterone which left me feeling awful but totally worth it I thought!
The next few days felt like a million years.

11 February:
Mike and I felt sick to our stomachs waiting in the waiting room. This environment just brings back too many sad reminders. Dr J came out and invited us in and gave me a big hug which put me at ease. She started scanning. I was watching her every facial expression very very carefully. By this stage I could probably scan myself - I knew exactly what I should be seeing! there was a nice round sac but there was no baby in it. Dr J reassured us and said that it's too early and that she didn't expect to see the baby just yet. She was happy with the sac size and shape and said that if something were to go wrong she would expect to see certain 'warning signs' already. That put my mind at ease but I still burst into tears and said I was very worried, and hoped to see more. She scheduled another scan for the next week.

18 February:
I arrived at Dr J's rooms before Mike did. Her rooms were particularly busy that morning. She asked me to come in which made me anxious as I didn't want to go in without Mike. She said she would scan me and then re-scan when Mike was here and then talk to us together. What I saw on the scan worried me - the sac was still a good shape and size but no still no baby. I told her how worried I was about another blighted ovum as thats what my 2nd miscarriage was. She said she was worried about that too but would re-scan when Mike got there and would chat to us then.
So waiting back in the rooms, palms sweating, waiting for Mike to come in. When Mike walked in and saw my face he panicked.

We then went back to Dr J and when she re-scanned me - we saw it - THE BABY with a beautiful yolk sac and a HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!! I was just crying - this was a moment I had been dreaming about for SO long and never ever thought I would see! She even joked and said that it was just waiting for its dad to get there! :) My heart melted!

25 February (my birthday)
I was nervous to make a scan appt on my birthday in case things made a turn for the worse, but I just had to know that everything was still ok.
Mike couldn't make it at the last minute as there was an emergency chemical accident at their pool at school. Dr J was so sweet and understanding as she knew how nervous I was without Mike there. She scanned and this was the best appt yet - the baby has grown beautifully and the heartbeat was strong! Once again - I just cried and cried! This was really happening - we were finally going to have a baby!



The picture below was the picture that I sent to our family and some friends!
I was 1 very proud mommy!!



Dr J very kindly took this picture so I could send it to Mike:



Best birthday present ever!!!
But little did I know that would be the last time I would see my baby's heart beating!

The next appt I decided to make for 2 weeks time. It was Wednesday 9 March. I was actually rather excited for this scan. After a very good last scan I was convinced that this was it - I had allowed myself to get excited!
But when I saw the look on Dr J's face when she was scanning - I just knew. My heart just sank and I felt physically ill. She looked at Mike and I and said those damn dreaded words again - "I'm sorry!" She took me in her arms while Mike needed to cancel a meeting he was supposed to be rushing off to. She hugged me and we both just cried. She spoke about the procedure again and I had to get all the hospital codes again.
Mike was going away for the next few days so thank goodness my mom could fly down to be with me. It broke Mike's heart to not be there but he needed to go and I knew what to expect. It didn't make it easier but I knew how to prepare myself.

Friday 11 March came and I was admitted for the "Evacuation of Uterus". The worst part for me is signing that form that gives them permission to burn all contents of your uterus...... I choke up every time I have to sign it! Thats not the contents of my uterus - thats my baby!!!
My precious mom and mom-in-law sat with me at the hospital that day and bonded while I was in theatre. My mom took this pic of me - it may not be the glowing, bulging pregnancy pic that others take but it was mine that day:

She sent it to Mike.


The worst part of that day was lying in the hospital bed, in the theatre waiting area, waiting for Dr J and lying next to a pregnant woman and he husband all excited to have a ceasar - that was complete and utter heartbreaking torture! I told Dr J I wanted to have the fetus tested to find out what went wrong. Perhaps we could get closer to some answers?
Waking up after the op and reality hits and the empty feeling starts settling in - the feeling that I knew all too well! I hated it! Coming home and life just goes on is very difficult.

A few very difficult, challenging and heartbreaking days and weeks lay ahead.........

Glory Baby

This song has meant a lot to me over the past few days.
My heart feels very sore again - and I just have so many questions and thoughts about what has happened?

I have a tremendous longing for my babies at the moment - my heart actually aches sometimes!



Glory baby:

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

25 December 2010

I should have worn the following top on Christmas day last year:



Because this was my very special Christmas present.......



The events leading up to that Christmas day and the positive pregnancy test were incredibly emotionally draining and that makes that positive test all the more special for us!

After the previous miscarriages several tests were done by Dr J and the new specialist I was referred to and several "maybe's" were spoken about.
It's pretty much a process of elimination when it comes to trying again. I had "unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss" and therefore no specific reason could be pin-pointed.
There was the obvious structural abnormality in my uterus that was corrected with surgery, but other than that it was... well, let's see what works next time, but there are no guarantees?

A lot of people have said to me over the last few years... "you just gotta have faith", and I think by trying over and over again that shows that I have faith. It's a lot easier said than done. For someone to be continuously knocked down and to get back up and try again despite it all, shows faith.

Back to November 2010 - We had scheduled an appointment with our specialist (let's call him Dr A) as his theory was that I am not producing enough progesterone in the latter half of my cycle which would have an adverse effect on sustaining a pregnancy, so I would need to go on progesterone sooner. Only starting progesterone when I am pregnant is too late - according to him.
So, of course, you always take the doctors advice and we scheduled a scan for day 14 of my cycle so he could check the maturation of the follicle to try pin point the best time to start progesterone.

Scan day number 1:
We had scheduled a 7am appointment so that we could both make it back to work in time.
We were both actually rather excited to give things another try and were thinking in the back of our minds - it HAS to work this time RIGHT? Now we are really covering all our bases!
We were ushered to the scan room at the back of the clinic and Dr A began checking my ovaries. Once he was done, he said "I'm very sorry but there are no follicles being produced which means you are not ovulating, come back next month, we will slap you on clomid and will take it from there."
My heart sank.... oh great, not only do I keep losing my babies but now I'm not ovulating as well? I was devastated!
I asked if I could perhaps come for another scan a few days later to see if anything had progressed, and Dr A agreed. So we made another appointment for a few days later.(and a couple of hundred R later too!)

I cried all the way to work, called my mom when I got to work and cried some more!
Why was this process so difficult for me to get right?

Scan day number 2:
Early appointment yet again. This time there was a mature follicle on my right ovary and my lining in the uterus was corresponding to the follicle measurement which meant good news! :) Now, to just pin point the exact day that I was to start taking the progesterone. This meant going for a series of blood tests every day until my LH level spiked. Needles and myself had become best friends over the past while so this was not a biggie!

We were going away to the house at Groot Brak for a while so every morning we had to drive through to the PathCare in George to have blood taken. I then had to wait for a few hours until the nurse at the clinic called to give me the results.
Waiting for a phone to ring is awful - all those blood tests really put a damper on our holiday! :(
This was the story of our lives for about 4 days (and a few arguements later with my not-so-favourite-sister-at-the-clinic-who-was-rude-to-me).
Eventually, we got the phone call we had been waiting to hear - the levels were good and I can start with the progesterone. YAY!

People often speak about the 2-week-wait, well, those 2 weeks are agony! Will I be pregnant, won't I? People who say - just relax - obviously haven't been there before and have no clue! So much time, effort and money has been put into this month - hoping that this month things would work out!

That makes my positive pregnancy test on Christmas day all that more special! :)
Mike and I had agreed that we would not go through what we had gone through the past month again - it was too emotionally draining. But in the back of my mind I thought I wouldn't have to because this was it - I was pregnant - and I knew in the back of my mind that this would work. I had a really good feeling about it!

Yay, I could get my baby clothes out again, get our baby names ready and start planning the room! This is what we had been waiting for for SO long! :)

My parents were down in Cape Town for Christmas and it was so special being able to tell them at Christmas lunch that they were going to be grandparents again! So many times I had told them that but had let them down! They were overjoyed! My mom and I planned her trip down in April and spoke about how she would help me decorate the baby's room! We also told Mike's parents that day too! Everyone was happy and relieved!

Little did we know how horrible things would turn out again!

Blood tests revealed what we had feared in the back of our minds all along - this may not be a viable pregnancy! I had 2 precious friends who prayed so hard with me and were the most amazing support. My one friend, L, was in PE and was my friend / midwife - giving me advice about not using lavender products as its a uterine stimulant, and not bathing and resting to try and give this pregnancy the best chance I can.
Then I had my other friend, K, who would drive me to the hospital every day to collect my blood results.
I felt sick in my stomach and was sick with disbelief that this was happening all over again! why, why, why? I just don't know?

Before I was ready to say goodbye, the pregnancy that brought us SO much joy on that Christmas day was over! I think I slept solidly for a week - my mom just bringing me food in bed! How was I going to pick myself and move on? I was emotionally drained. The stress had even started before I was actually pregnant!
I just couldn't do this again!

I packed away the baby clothes again, stood staring at the baby compactum that was collecting dust in the garage and used our spare room as a store room again!

My due date would have been the 1st week of September 2011.
I should be anticipating the arrival of my baby that we have waited so long for.

Life changes and you just have to accept what has happened. But it's seasons like this where I think about how different my life would have been right now.

I have a special place in my heart for each 1 of my babies and I have prayed that God keeps them little in heaven so that when I go there I can finally be the mom I have always wanted to be!