The journey forwards.

The tests results showed that our baby had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 16. Babies with full Trisomy 16 will never make it - it is always fatal. Tests also revealed that our baby was going to be another BOY!



That was difficult!

After being referred to another fertility clinic, more tests were carried out, including genetic testing for Mike and I, and another hysteroscopy to check my uterus again. 7 weeks after the miscarriage I had to go into hopsital for yet another D&C as tests showed that the baby's placenta was still in the uterus and the risk of infection is too high to leave. So, once again, it was a trip to Kingsbury, general anaethetic and recovery time. We were now sick and tired of this all. After being knocked down, getting up time and time again, just to be knocked down again - was it all really worth it. We were starting to doubt if we could actually ever try this again? When is enough enough?



Once again, Mike was amazing! He has been right by side through this all. We have cried together, laughed together and dreamed together! This has brought us closer than we could ever imagine. Our wedding vows were made real to us: in sickness and in health. I am beyond amazed at what an amazing, strong and supportive husband I have!

My dear friend brought up the idea of perhaps having a memorial service for all the babies we have lost. Initially, I just choked up at the thought of it but after letting it sit for a while we thought it might be a very good idea. It will be a time to say goodbye to our babies and validate their short lives.

Looking back - that memorial service was a turning point in our grief journey! So many emotions roll into one big ball of mess and you eventually can;t see the wood for the trees. The memorial was very special. Family and close friends were there. each brought a poem, letter or verses to read. Mike and I were able to read out letters we had written to our babies of the plans and dreams we had for each one of them. It was very freeing to be able to share our grief with people. The grief from a miscarriage is a very personal and isolating grief, and we felt liberated and privileged to be able to share that. It was a sad but very important and special day!





What now?

I don't know how this story is going to end? I don't know what our next step will involve? My thinking and beliefs have been challenged to my very core.
For the first time ever, we have started talking about the possibility of being a childless couple. That has been a very very difficult thing for me to think about. We always think that having children is a 'given' but it's not.
I don't know why, and I don't understand a lot of things right now? The question of children being a way that God shows us his love, favour and blessing is also difficult for me to understand right now. Have I done something wrong? Is this a punishment? How come other friends of mine are getting it right? Are they more blessed than me? I have always wanted to be a mom. Even my career and choice of current job gave way to having children. Mike and I have always dreamed of a big garden with children running around.
That might still happen, but it might not?

I feel angry sometimes, but not sure who I am angry with? Myself? God? Other gloating pregnant friends? Friends who have children and seem to have it all? If I'm honest, perhaps all of the above. The feelings of failure on my part are HUGE. I feel I have tried and have failed.

So, I'm not sure where this leaves Mike and I right now? I can say we have grown through this all. Perhaps having biological children won't be an option, perhaps we will look at other ways of being parents or perhaps we will just be the 2 of us.

Whatever happens, we can't change what has happened.

We have so many things to be grateful for! We have this life that we have been given and we need to live it to the full. We need to be all that God intended for us to be. If having children is the only thing we strive for in life, we will be missing out on so much else. There is more to life and there is more to us.
This is not God's plan B for our lives - we are exactly where God wants us right now and we are all the more closer to each other and richer because of it.

God has been with us every step of the way and has seen all our tears and heard all our prayers. He knows the questions we are asking and all the feelings we are struggling with.
God is still good and we ARE blessed because of what Jesus did on the cross - not because of what we have or don't have. Children or no children - we are blessed because - above all - He died for us!