25 December 2010

I should have worn the following top on Christmas day last year:



Because this was my very special Christmas present.......



The events leading up to that Christmas day and the positive pregnancy test were incredibly emotionally draining and that makes that positive test all the more special for us!

After the previous miscarriages several tests were done by Dr J and the new specialist I was referred to and several "maybe's" were spoken about.
It's pretty much a process of elimination when it comes to trying again. I had "unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss" and therefore no specific reason could be pin-pointed.
There was the obvious structural abnormality in my uterus that was corrected with surgery, but other than that it was... well, let's see what works next time, but there are no guarantees?

A lot of people have said to me over the last few years... "you just gotta have faith", and I think by trying over and over again that shows that I have faith. It's a lot easier said than done. For someone to be continuously knocked down and to get back up and try again despite it all, shows faith.

Back to November 2010 - We had scheduled an appointment with our specialist (let's call him Dr A) as his theory was that I am not producing enough progesterone in the latter half of my cycle which would have an adverse effect on sustaining a pregnancy, so I would need to go on progesterone sooner. Only starting progesterone when I am pregnant is too late - according to him.
So, of course, you always take the doctors advice and we scheduled a scan for day 14 of my cycle so he could check the maturation of the follicle to try pin point the best time to start progesterone.

Scan day number 1:
We had scheduled a 7am appointment so that we could both make it back to work in time.
We were both actually rather excited to give things another try and were thinking in the back of our minds - it HAS to work this time RIGHT? Now we are really covering all our bases!
We were ushered to the scan room at the back of the clinic and Dr A began checking my ovaries. Once he was done, he said "I'm very sorry but there are no follicles being produced which means you are not ovulating, come back next month, we will slap you on clomid and will take it from there."
My heart sank.... oh great, not only do I keep losing my babies but now I'm not ovulating as well? I was devastated!
I asked if I could perhaps come for another scan a few days later to see if anything had progressed, and Dr A agreed. So we made another appointment for a few days later.(and a couple of hundred R later too!)

I cried all the way to work, called my mom when I got to work and cried some more!
Why was this process so difficult for me to get right?

Scan day number 2:
Early appointment yet again. This time there was a mature follicle on my right ovary and my lining in the uterus was corresponding to the follicle measurement which meant good news! :) Now, to just pin point the exact day that I was to start taking the progesterone. This meant going for a series of blood tests every day until my LH level spiked. Needles and myself had become best friends over the past while so this was not a biggie!

We were going away to the house at Groot Brak for a while so every morning we had to drive through to the PathCare in George to have blood taken. I then had to wait for a few hours until the nurse at the clinic called to give me the results.
Waiting for a phone to ring is awful - all those blood tests really put a damper on our holiday! :(
This was the story of our lives for about 4 days (and a few arguements later with my not-so-favourite-sister-at-the-clinic-who-was-rude-to-me).
Eventually, we got the phone call we had been waiting to hear - the levels were good and I can start with the progesterone. YAY!

People often speak about the 2-week-wait, well, those 2 weeks are agony! Will I be pregnant, won't I? People who say - just relax - obviously haven't been there before and have no clue! So much time, effort and money has been put into this month - hoping that this month things would work out!

That makes my positive pregnancy test on Christmas day all that more special! :)
Mike and I had agreed that we would not go through what we had gone through the past month again - it was too emotionally draining. But in the back of my mind I thought I wouldn't have to because this was it - I was pregnant - and I knew in the back of my mind that this would work. I had a really good feeling about it!

Yay, I could get my baby clothes out again, get our baby names ready and start planning the room! This is what we had been waiting for for SO long! :)

My parents were down in Cape Town for Christmas and it was so special being able to tell them at Christmas lunch that they were going to be grandparents again! So many times I had told them that but had let them down! They were overjoyed! My mom and I planned her trip down in April and spoke about how she would help me decorate the baby's room! We also told Mike's parents that day too! Everyone was happy and relieved!

Little did we know how horrible things would turn out again!

Blood tests revealed what we had feared in the back of our minds all along - this may not be a viable pregnancy! I had 2 precious friends who prayed so hard with me and were the most amazing support. My one friend, L, was in PE and was my friend / midwife - giving me advice about not using lavender products as its a uterine stimulant, and not bathing and resting to try and give this pregnancy the best chance I can.
Then I had my other friend, K, who would drive me to the hospital every day to collect my blood results.
I felt sick in my stomach and was sick with disbelief that this was happening all over again! why, why, why? I just don't know?

Before I was ready to say goodbye, the pregnancy that brought us SO much joy on that Christmas day was over! I think I slept solidly for a week - my mom just bringing me food in bed! How was I going to pick myself and move on? I was emotionally drained. The stress had even started before I was actually pregnant!
I just couldn't do this again!

I packed away the baby clothes again, stood staring at the baby compactum that was collecting dust in the garage and used our spare room as a store room again!

My due date would have been the 1st week of September 2011.
I should be anticipating the arrival of my baby that we have waited so long for.

Life changes and you just have to accept what has happened. But it's seasons like this where I think about how different my life would have been right now.

I have a special place in my heart for each 1 of my babies and I have prayed that God keeps them little in heaven so that when I go there I can finally be the mom I have always wanted to be!