Beginning and end.....

Everyone looks back over the last year and reflects on what has happened! I have been doing the same over the last few days and this past year has REALLY had its fair share of emotions and changes! I honestly didn't think I would be in Singapore at the moment! I thought I would have a bouncy baby in my arms!

So my 2011 started off with a baby lost.... I lost baby number 3 on news yrs day! wow, what a difficult day and time that was! I get teary eyed just thinking about the range of raw emotions that I felt.

Mike and I then enjoyed a trip to Mauritius - it was amazing to get away but my loss was very much on my mind all the time! A change of scenery was just what the doctor ordered!



Not long after that - another pregnancy: who hoo! Perhaps 2011 really was the yr that I would have a baby?



Perhaps I had got my hopes up too much with this baby. Because my little baby Boy was taken away too soon - yet again!





Once again, Mike was an amazing support, even though he was hurting so much in his own way!

After a few months of grieving and not really knowing how to grieve, we decided to have a memorial service for all our babies! With a few close friends and family around we were able to say goodbye to our babies and share our pain a bit with others. That was definitely a turning point in our journey!




Not too long after the memorial service I needed to be hospitalized for 2 weeks due to complete mental and physical breakdown. I think the pressure, heartache and despair from the last few years had just taken its toll on me. That was a particularly low time during 2011. I felt defeated by life and couldn't imagine ever feeling better about myself or life again!

However, by the Grace of God and support of people I got through it all and steadily started recovering. It was a long journey to try feel 'normal' again and able to make it through a day without falling apart!

2011 also contained the big decision of moving overseas. I can clearly remember that night where we decided that we had this one life to live and we want to make the most of it. We had been stuck on "Planet Baby", except everyone elses babies were arriving but ours wasn't. We felt stuck and defeated!

We needed a change and a new persepective on life! We cannot wallow on what we didnt have but we needed to focus on what we did have and what we could still do!

SO, after many months of planning - we are finally here!
Been in Singapore a week and loving it!
Really wanting to get settled into our own place so that we can feel more at 'home'.
It still feels like we just here on holiday!

So, the plans for 2012.....?

I am done making specific plans because I just feel more dissapointed when they don't work out.
I want to make the most of everything around me.
We would love to do some travelling around this side of the world, we would love for people to come stay with us and explore with us.

I am not sure what road the parenting road will take us down. But I am ok with things now! I can't let that become my idol. For now, I love being around kids and am looking forward to building special relationships with the kids that I will be working with at the therapy centre.

Ending off..... the one thing that I am sure of is that God is faithful!

There have been times were I have wanted the world to stop and let me jump off, but God has held me very close! Right where I have needed to be. And I know going forward that He will ALWAYS hold me close and will never let me go!

Mike and I are closer than ever through all the hard times we have had to endure this past year and Im looking forward to having some fun with him again!

I am a stronger person now, than when I started 2011.

I wish with everything I had, that things were different and I could have children with me today but at the same time I have learnt so much through all the trials and I feel my life is richer and more blessed through it all!

May 2012 be a blessed yr for all my friends and family!
We are told that in the life we will have trouble but we are also told that God has overcome it all, and that is just amazing!!!!

I am standing stronger now and very grateful for 2011, and looking forward to 2012!