Healing

My house is very quiet this morning.
Mike is away at Sun City with his dad. I have lots of odds and ends to get done today. One of them being finishing my progress reports for school. So I went downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee, got a bowl of cherries for breakfast and started on my reports.

Half way through trying to comment on a girls improvement in her ability to decode blend sounds in words, I suddenly stopped, drew a blank and stared out the window. Before I knew it I had been staring out the window for 15 min and without conciously doing it, had been thinking about my babies. Thinking about my doctors appointments, the baby things I still have in my cupboard and how much I miss them.
All of a sudden my eyes started welling up with tears and I had a good cry!




How weird, that one can be feeling so 'normal' and then all of a sudden these feelings creep up like that. This doesn't mean I have taken big steps back in my journey or have now hit a wall. I have learnt that its ok to have these moments. To have a good cry, to miss what could have been and to think about my babies.

I spent some time with my niece and my god-daughter yesterday and those times were so precious. Little things that people might take for granted I treasure so dearly. Like having my god-daughter throw her arms around my neck and tell me she loves me, or having my 10 month old niece give me a big open-mouth-gobby kiss on the cheek. I didn't mind having dried mushy apple pieces stuck on my skirt or having clips pinned in my hair and princess stickers stuck all over face!

I just love it!



I have a bunch of baby things in my cupboard i am not sure what to do with.
They are too special to just throw away but I feel very sentimental about them because they were meant for MY baby and what am I saying if I just simply get rid of them? But with us moving, I need to do something with it?

I have been thinking something completely ludicrous lately but I am sure that people who have lost someone might feel like this sometimes: with u moving to Singapore, I wonder if our babies know this? This has always been their 'home' and now I am moving away from them. Silly, I know, coz I know where they are and I keep them in my heart but I still have this sense that I am 'leaving them' and I just want them to know where I am going and Im there if they need me?

I had a good giggle with a precious friend of mine yesterday who lost her husband last year. We were both saying how proud we were of each other - and we were looking back to how we felt this time last year. We both did a grief course together and there were some real difficult times. But I am so proud of all the steps forward she has taken in the face of some very difficult times! She inspires me!
And sometimes I also look at how far I have come - yes, with the help of some medication too, but I can feel I am taking steps forward and I think thats why I get caught by surprize by these strange feelings that creep up on me from time to time!

So today, I really feel like being close with my babies, the house is quiet but yet I feel them in my heart. I am sure they would be proud of their mommy who has carried on walking even though her heart aches.

I love them dearly, even though I never met. I feel like I knew them. I carried each one of them! They were mine!

I think I may spend some time reading through my scrapbook again and lighting my candle and just spend some quiet time reflecting today!

My heart feels love today - I can remember them without a rawness that was here a little while ago!