Reflecting

There has been so much going through my mind lately with all our packing and sorting and the uncertainty of when our visas are going to come through!

I have time to reflect on things as I have sat packing and so many memories have come up!
With our anniversary yesterday Mike and I had a good chuckle on all the things we have been through in the last 6 yrs - good and bad.
And then I suddenly realised that the pain, hurt and heartache of the last 3 yrs has really overshadowed most of our married life. I had forgotten that there were 3 yrs before that. Why had the pressure of having a healthy and live baby taken over so much?

I met with a very sweet friend of mine last week for tea who had a very valuable bit of advice. Her sister has struggled for 9 yrs to have a baby and she has felt like she has wasted those 9 yrs being obsessed with trying to have a baby. She has watched her sister agonise through those years, feeling like its all been a waste - nothing has come from it! And I can identify with that... It was yesterday that I was saying how angry I felt coz it was this time last year that we spent so much time and money on scans, medication, doctors appts and blood tests - only to come to the terrible realisation that another long-awaited pregnancy was not going to end in a healthy live baby! It makes me angry that we spent all that all for nothing!!!
Back to my friend, so seeing her sister go through all of this she decided that wheen the start trying to fall pregnant she would take up a new hobby like a photography course or cooking course etc, so that depending on the outcome of trying, she wouldn't feel like time has been wasted or lost! So that's my advice for all people out there thinking of trying soon to fall pregnant.... U don't know what type of a journey it will take you on. Its not something you usually talk about before getting married. Woman think that its a given that you will be able to have children, first time, everytime! :)

I just love spending time with my friends babies- I really love it! However, I walk away with such an empty feeling knowing that I'm not able to share in this life stage with them! Part of my grieving has also been letting go of the dreams of having our kids grow up together! I always had dreams of going to friends for tea and having our kids playing nicely together.

However, on the flip side I have met some incredible people on this journey who I probably wouldn't have met or had time for if I had my own kids. I really feel incredibly grateful for those moments. I have learnt not to take small things for granted in life and that life does not revolve around me and my wants!

We are still waiting for our visas - house is packed, rented out, cars are sorted and accounts closed. As soon as those visas come through we will be outta here and get settled there as soon as we can before I start work!

I'm excited for what's to come - whether it involve babies or not? I can't let that define me or my life. Life doesn't work out the way you hoped and planned for.

The cheesy saying: when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade, is so true! When life throws lemons at you, are you going to sit and throw a tantrum screaming.... I WANTED ORANGES!!!!! Or are you going to pick the lemons up, see what lessons you have learnt, see what people you can learn from, see which people around you are struggling to make the lemonade and help them and then invent a special machine which will help catch future lemons and automatically make lemonade - help easing your process in the future!

I don't want to be the person wishing I had oranges instead my whole life and missing out on all the possibilities that the lemons might bring!