My heart is full!

This month marks a YEAR in SINGAPORE!!!

How time has flown!
We are in such a good place right now, having experienced SO much more than I could ever have imagined!

In the past I used to feel really sad at the end of a year, but this year I am feeling incredibly grateful for all the good times we have experienced! I don't want to miss a single opportunity to be thankful for everything.

The second half of the year has been better than the first.

We have done SO much together that I would never have thought I would do!

Like SCUBA DIVING?!?!

I used to hyperventilate just snorkling so diving was HUGE for me!

We did our PADI certification and then went on 2 dive trips.
One was out at Dayang which is an Island off Malaysia and is absolutely STUNNING.
It was rustic and local but the natural beauty was SO refreshing!

The diving was amazing - I didn't realise that there was so much beauty under the water!

A few weeks later we went to Thailand and went diving at Phi Phi!

While diving in Thailand, I was under the water and I thought never in a million years did I ever thought I would be doing this!! Wow!!! All the things I never thought I would see, I am seeing!

We were also lucky enough to have special visitors come visit.....
We managed to spend time with our precious niece, Kate!

And Rob, Ash and mini-Luke in Thailand....

Then our very precious and special Kidwells came to visit ........

Mike and I got to meet our amazing godson, Ayden for the first time and completely fell in love.....

And of course our Ella-Bella will always have a HUGE piece of our heart....

The adventures we had and time spent with them were amazing!!!!

We also went to the Singapore Grand Prix which I thoroughly enjoyed!!!
Who would have thought???

We have made incredibly special friends here in Singapore - I don't think I would have done so well without them! They are my family here!


So as this year draw to a close it with a full and grateful heart that I write this!

There are many things my heart still LONGS for but there are many things I appreciate. My heart still longs to be called "MOM" - not sure how that dream will unfold or look like? This move has been healing balm to our hearts too!
There are times I still cry with an aching heart, there are times I wish my babies were here with us, experiencing all of this with us.

We do feel like we at a cross roads with decisions that need to be made but we enjoying parts of this crossroad and enjoying where we find ourselves right now!

Living in the here and now!

I'm not sure what the next season holds but if it's anything like the year we have had, full of adventure with my amazing husband, then bring it on!

To end off a VERY hot year in Singapore, we getting ready to do snow angels.......

Relecting on 6 months in Singapore!

Wow, 6 months in Singapore! At one point, living in Singapore just felt like a distant dream that wouldn't actually materialise, but here we are 6 months down the line.

I'm sitting in our cool, air-con lounge with the fan pointing directly at me and its only 7am. I'm looking out over the city and it looks SO pretty early in the morning. Definitely seems more beautiful when one is sitting with windows closed and air con on - once you venture outside, it's a WHOLE different story!



Reflecting on our last 6 months here there have been many challenging times but also many amazing times!

1. Weather:

I remember telling a friend at work that I was moving to Singapore (She had lived in Hong Kong for a bit) and her reaction was, "oh my gosh, they don't have ANY seasons there - it's just HOT ALL THE TIME!" And my thoughts were, well, it can't be that bad? I have always preferred summers over winter so that would actually be great!

Well, was I wrong! I have NEVER experienced heat and humidity lie there is here! It was so bad that I felt constantly nauseas for weeks after arriving here and felt as if I couldn't get enough fluids in.
We were warned that in "summer" (June / July) it gets even worse and I thought that it actually couldn't get ANY worse, but OH MY, was I wrong!! IT GETS WORSE!! On average the temp is about 34 degrees with about 95% humidity everyday!
I am really grateful for our big pool here because it has really been our life saver!
Sweat just pours off you and I'm still trying to figure out how people actually exercise in this heat. We once did a long hike in MacRitchie Reservoir, and I felt sick for days afterwards and was dehydrated!

This smile below was a FAKE smile!!



2. People and culture:

Coming from South Africa, I didn't realise that we had such a unique and different culture - especially when compared to Singaporeans. We don't realise how often we throw in Afrikaans or slang words in our speech that others are actually familiar with. We just expect them to 'get it.

- It was such a "jol".
- She had no "skaam" in just pushing in.
- "ag shame"
- "ya, no"
- "is it?"

Now to make things easier for Singaporeans to understand we just add a "Lah" at the end to combine some Singlish and Afrikaans. ("It was just a jol, Lah!")

We also assume that all cultures have braais that contain Wors and chops.
We realised how wrong we were at a braai organised by our dear friend Gilbert, who put things on the braai that I had only ever seen swimming in the sea! Sting ray on a braai was a 'hit' that day!



We organised a braai at our condo a few weeks ago and true South African style, it was gonna be a lunch time braai at like 1pm, everyone brought cozzies, we got some 'wors', salads, watermelon etc. Well other Singaporean friends of ours said to me before hand - "You guys having an afternoon barbecue? At Like 1pm?" To which is replied, "um, ya!? Bring your costumes and we will have a nice relaxing afternoon by the pool".
Well, half way through the afternoon, while we were eating, we all wondered where Dawn and Josh were. At about 5pm, Josh arrives and is shocked to see there is little food left for him.... He had figured there was no way we would braai at 1pm and decided to come later but then realised that when Mike says he is going to braai at 1pm, he actually means 12:30pm!

It has been amazing getting to know our Singaporean friends better and understand their culture too. I think it's very easy to go to a different country and just want to stick with your expat friends or other South African friends - and there is definitely a time and place for that. But there is no need to isolate yourself from the local culture! As much as we crave normal western burgers and pizza, its also awesome going to eat at the Hawker stands and food courts and have the famous "Chicken Rice" or Panang cuisine.



We have learnt SO much about Singaporean and Chinese culture from our local friends and they have even enjoyed coming over to our place to enjoy some rugby!

3. Transport:

Man, we miss our cars back home! I miss having Mike drive me around in his Bakkie!



Cars here are SO expensive to drive. You need a Certificate of Entitlement to drive a car here too which is a few tens of thousands of $. The government wants to encourage more people to use public transport!

The public transport system here is oh SO efficient and is run like clockwork, but it's not so pleasant when it's crowded and you are stuck next to sweaty people!



Sometimes it can get really busy too.....



But other times it is really awesome!



But this is my ULTIMATE treat if I don't want to walk in the heat:



4. Work:

This has been a VERY challenging part of our time here. I won't go into detail now, but I'm grateful that I have been able to resign from my current job and was offered a fantastic job as a Grade 2 Teacher at a big International School here. The offer came somewhat out of the blue at just at the right time. Mike will also be working there as a PE teacher which is awesome! We both start there on 1 Aug 2012 when their new school yr starts!



5. Travel:

What amazing opportunities for travelling we have from here. We have a lot of places we want to visit and thats on our 'to go to" list.
But this first 6 months we have gone to small, quiet local Islands, not far from Singapore and Malaysia. It has been amazing!
We went to Sibu Island for the Easter weekend. We had to catch a bus from Singapore to Malaysia and then drove for about 2 hrs through Malaysia to the ferry terminal and then caught a ferry out to Sibu. It was such an awesome time away!!

Photo's just dont even do justice!





Mike and I went to Bintan last weekend - its a little Indonesian Island off the coast of Singapore. It was stunning and a really nice, quiet gettaway!





We have lots of travel plans for the next year and can't wait to go do some more exploring. Some are big trips and others more local.
My next scrapbook is a scrapbook of all our travelling! :)

6. Apartment living:

I was nervous at first thinking we were going to live in a match box - but I was pleasantly surprised. We are comfortable in our apartment and have a gorgeous view over the city as we are on the 15th floor. We LOVE our nice big pool too!



When we see a free standing house, we do drool a bit, but apartment living is SO different for us, that we enjoying it while we have it. There are SO many amazing green parks around here to get out into that we do get our dose of nature!



7. Church:

We have absolutely loved our church here in Singapore! We have LOVED the people, we have LOVED serving and are extremely excited with all God is going. We are moving this week out of the old venue at the Cathay Cinema to our own building which is VERY exciting! Just love being a part of it! They are our family here! :)



8. Children:

I wish I could announce " We are pregnant with twins" or something like that that.
Its just the 2 of us still but we continue to trust and have faith that one day God will add to our family - in whatever way that is, and that we can take our "little clones" on our travel adventures too! Our hearts are so ready to love!!

For now we just LOVE other peoples children!


So, what an incredible 6 months it has been!
Its been a time of growth and change. It was just what we needed.
Yes, we miss home many times and desperately miss our friends and family but I think this change was needed - for our healing and growth too!

I look forward to whats to come and to having lots of visitors staying with us in the months to come! :)

God has been incredibly faithful in our time over here, with providing so much! Physical things as well as people to support and love us too!

Bring on the next chapter!
xxxxx

Silent Tears

“Tears are the silent language of grief”

It has been 3 years since I fell pregnant with our first baby and I have been feeling rather sad lately!
The sting and rawness of the pain has gone but that feeling of 'something' missing is still there.

I really don't know how a little being that we never met or got to hold can be missed so much?
It was like we were so connected in those first few weeks - as if I knew the type of person they were going to become, and what they would look like.

I remember lying in the hospital bed in the surgery waiting area and resting my hands on my tummy and literally saying goodbye!
I woke up after the D&C and my first thought was "I'm not pregnant anymore". My baby has now gone.

When we knew that the baby had died and there was no heartbeat, it was only 3 days later that I was booked into hospital.
So for 3 days I knew that my baby was not going to be born but yet I was still carrying it (yes, it was very freaky and weird thinking it was still inside me but yet I was still protecting it) I felt like a mom.

When I woke up after the surgery my heart sank and this immediate empty feeling filled me - I'm not going to be a mom, I'm not pregnant anymore and my baby is now officially and physically gone! It was over now!

I LOVE my time with Mike and I love the fun and adventures we are having but there really is a 'dull' quiet time in the evenings.

I 'miss' bath-time, I 'miss' supper time, I 'miss' bedtime story time.

Even though we never had any of those times I feel like I miss them.

I really ask myself how can I actually miss something I never had - but I honestly do!

My heart is sore but I know that in a few days I will feel lighter, but for now, I'm yearning for what I've lost!

A Fathers Heart

With Fathers Day coming up next weekend, I have had so many thought on my mind.

I know a lot of friends, for whom this Fathers Day will be their first one as a dad.
For others, it might be a difficult day as they may have lost their beloved fathers and miss them terribly on a day like Fathers Day.

For others it may be day that is difficult as it reminds them of what they long to be - a dad. But for some or other reason they are still waiting - and not through lack of trying.

Just as much as Mothers Day can be difficult for me, Fathers Day is just as tough for Mike.

This year Fathers Day falls on the anniversary of the memorial service we had last year.
It was a very emotional day but it was very special to share such emotions with close friends and family.

That day was a turning point in our grief journey.



This was the letter that Mike had written to our babies. Such honesty from a dad to the children he loved SO much but never got to meet.




Dear Children,

Words cannot describe the joy I felt when I heard your mother was pregnant. I was filled with such hope and excitement that you were going to enter our lives. I knew that my life was going to change, but I didnt realise it would change as much as it has.

I had hopes and dreams for you and I was looking forward to being your father. I was looking forward to teaching you about life, about God and about all the things I have learnt in my life.

Words cannot describe the sadness that filled my heart when I heard that each one of you had died, that sadness remains in my heart. I'm sad that you died and I felt helpless to do anything to change the situation.
Even though you were all a few weeks old, I felt like I had a connection with you. I felt like I knew you and I knew the people you were going to become. Never in my life have I known people for only a few weeks who have changed my life so dramatically.

I long for the day when I will meet you all again in Heaven and have the opportunity to be your father.



I have been thinking about all those "dad's-in-waiting". The ache in their hearts is real.

But this Fathers Day I want to honour MY husband. He is a dad who doesn't have little hands around his neck telling him they love him, but he is a man who has shown incredible strength and wisdom.

He may not have baby puke on his shirt, but many a time he has had my tears on his shoulders.

He may not be sleep deprived due to midnight feeds, but has had many sleepless nights praying that we will get through it all.

He may not have spent days in the maternity ward visiting his wife and baby, but he has spent many days sitting beside his wife in hospital while she has had surgery and procedures done.



He may not be out in the park playing with his kids, but he walks past and prays that one day that will be him with his kids.

He may not be doing 'late night Pharmacy runs' to get meds for the baby, but he is at the pharmacy getting his wife all the hormone pills and medication she needs to try sustain life inside of her.

He may not be bankrupt due to money spent on baby paraphernalia, but rather due to money paid to fertility specialists, hospital bills and medication.

He is a Dad-in waiting who has stood by his wife's side no matter what.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who has cried himself to sleep but picked himself up and carried on.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who has spent money to ensure his wife has the best pre-natal care possible.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who is the bravest, strongest and most courageous person.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who has often asked 'why' but has always known God's deep love and faithfulness!

This Fathers Day I want to honour you, Mike, and I know that you have made our babies VERY proud!!

My last post was Mothers Day, which I found particularly difficult this year and I actually thought it would be easier as we are away in a new country and away from old reminders.
But I actually just wanted to sleep the day away and wake up the next day!

Lately, there has been such a little niggle in my heart - like a longing and a yearning!
I really miss what we have lost - my heart really feels sad sometimes!

Mike and I have booked a weekend away on a little Indonesian Island for the weekend of the 17 June.
We only realised yesterday that that day is Fathers Day - and we were relieved that we were going to be away.
Perhaps just time with the 2 of us would be great!

Fathers Day is a very difficult day for Mike too and that just makes me sad!

When I got home from work yesterday, I knew that he wasn't himself and after some probing, he said that he had a good cry yesterday after stopping in at the 7-11 shop to buy a drink on his way to his touch rugby game. He saw some Fathers day cards and emotions and feelings came up out of nowhere! Sneaky grief emotions! They come up unexpected sometimes!

Another significant event happened on the 17th June last year.
We had our memorial service for our babies on this day!

I hated having to officially say 'good bye'. That was definitely not something I had expected when we had decided to start expanding our family! We had to say goodbye too soon, TOO many times!

(My 'last' moments with my baby!)

(Our memorial service)

Grief is such a journey - everyone is on their own path and takes their own time to work through what they need to!

There is so much more that is going through my mind right now but I actually dont know how to put my feelings into words! Im not feeling very articulate this morning, but my heart is just overflowing with feelings and emotions!

A Mother's Day wish from heaven!

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

We are writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, we see everything from here.

We just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for our mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake we thought, every card you could imagine
Except we could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where we reside
we had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

We thought that if we wrote you, that you would come to know
that though we live in heaven now, we still love our mother so.

She talks with us, and dreams with us; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries us in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor us, sometimes far into the night

She lights a special candle often, there our living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though we no longer live on earth
We must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, We know you’ll do your best
We have done all we can do; to you we’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to us
Until we can do it for ourselves, when she joins us in eternity.

~ Regards, Gilmour Babies ~

Adopted for Life

Regardless of our journey and whats happened, that feeling of broodiness has never left. Yes, fear has definitely taken over in certain aspects - we do not want me to fall pregnant again for fear of what might go wrong again. If we fall pregnant again and we lose another baby, I don't think it will be easy to forgive ourselves for making the decision to try again. But there is also the chance that a new pregnancy could result in a healthy baby - are we willing to risk it? No. Not at this stage. I do not actually have that desire to be pregnant again. My heart used to ache when I saw others pregnant. But not any more. It scares me. Too many bad memories of being pregnant.

Since being in Singapore, our hearts have been softened for the fatherless and since doing our research on adoption options, our eyes have been opened to the amount of innocent children who are left with no parents or family due to various situations. My heart breaks for them! We are excited about adoption possibilities that lie ahead for us!

The ride

You get to a stage in your life when you want to take a ride down to a shop that you have never been to before.
You have heard of it from others and seen others buy amazing things from this shop.

You get into your car and start your journey, expecting it to be an uneventful one.

Imagining what lies ahead, dreaming about what this shop might be like.
You are full of excitement!

Not long into your journey you have a terrible crash at an intersection - your car is a wreck.

You didn't make it to the shop and you are so disappointed!
But you still think to yourself that you will get there - you will need to get your car fixed, sort out insurance etc etc, but when that is all fixed you will make another attempt to get to that shop!

You are encouraged by others to get back in your car and make that trip.
You are told that car accidents are SO random and that the chances of having another accident on the way to the same shop is really low! You also meet others who have also had this car accident and they eventually made it to the shop - so that encourages you!

So months later you decide to get back in your car and head for the shop.
You feel a little bit more cautious about this road that you haven't yet travelled on - particularly when you reach that dreaded intersection.

But you think that the same accident can't happen twice?

But you were terribly mistaken - at the VERY same intersection you have a devastating accident AGAIN!!
Your car is a wreck again!

Once again you didn't make it to the shop!

By now some people have returned to this shop twice already with a rather easy journey.
You wonder why they are managing so well. Is it the type of car they drive?
Is it the way they drive? Is my driving wrong? My model of my car too old?

So you decide to take your car in to be checked...... the verdict is that your brake pads were a bit worn which MIGHT have caused the accident but also might not have?
But you spend a lot of money getting new brake pads and you also get your wheel alignment sorted out too - just in case that also contributed to the accident.

Aah, as good as new!!

You feel more confident next time you venture out on this road. The beginning part of this road is now very familiar to you and you could probably drive it with your eyes closed.
But before you even have a chance to even put the car in 3rd gear, you have another accident! This has even happened before you have reached that dreaded intersection!!

You are SO frustrated and confused? Your car had just been 'serviced'?
Everything was supposed to work as it should?



You have some friends who stopped to help you with your car - for which you are SO grateful!
But others just whizzed past you with their cars full of parcels from this shop - gave a galnce your way but carried on riding.

Others thinking - "shame, Im SO glad Im not her!"

Others too busy admiring what they bought from the shop, they didn't even notice you stuck on the side of the road.

This time around you are more determined to get to the shop so you get back in your car and start again on your journey.

However, this time you are VERY nervous.

You are more cautious and drive more carefully.

Eventually you get to the dreaded intersection where you had crashed many times before and to your amazement you make it through safely!!!!

You start really getting excited about the trip to the shop!

Finally!

You will get a chance to experience what others have experienced and perhaps even get together weekly with your goodies and share shopping stories and laugh about all the funny things that happened!

Perhaps you will even make new friends because you have something in common - you got the same things at the shops!

BUT..... perhaps you let your excitement and anticipation get the better of you because, unexpectedly and suddenly, riding along an unknown stretch of road - your car overturns and once again your journey to the shop comes to an abrupt halt!

You are mad, furious, cross, hurt and angry!




AGAIN?? SERIOUSLY??? WHY???

Some people decide not to get into that car again. They still want to someday make it to that shop but perhaps they need to look at using other modes of transport to get there??

But some people judge them and think they are being silly and should just get back in the car and ride - its no big deal!!

Others can understand that feeling, but they have decided to continue driving in their car - taking alternate routes to get there. This is more expensive than the usual way but they are determined to get there.

Others have had accidents far into their journey - almost thinking they were at the shop.
Others have crashed early on in their journey - the car didn't even have a chance to warm up properly!

Others have decided that perhaps its not even worth the trip to the shops.

Others have made the trip to the shop numerous times with no problems and cannot understand what the big fuss is all about? Its really easy - just relax and you will be fine!

Others have been to the shop and back and realise what treats the shop has and they dont want you to miss out so they encourage you, pray for you and support you!

Whatever road you are on or have been on with regards to fertility and children - lets support eachother!

For those with no children - lets love and support and pray for those WITH children and sew into those childrens lives because we CAN!

For those WITH children, support, pray for and love those with no children, eventhough you might not understand entirely what they are going through.

None of us are better off than the other!