A Fathers Heart

With Fathers Day coming up next weekend, I have had so many thought on my mind.

I know a lot of friends, for whom this Fathers Day will be their first one as a dad.
For others, it might be a difficult day as they may have lost their beloved fathers and miss them terribly on a day like Fathers Day.

For others it may be day that is difficult as it reminds them of what they long to be - a dad. But for some or other reason they are still waiting - and not through lack of trying.

Just as much as Mothers Day can be difficult for me, Fathers Day is just as tough for Mike.

This year Fathers Day falls on the anniversary of the memorial service we had last year.
It was a very emotional day but it was very special to share such emotions with close friends and family.

That day was a turning point in our grief journey.



This was the letter that Mike had written to our babies. Such honesty from a dad to the children he loved SO much but never got to meet.




Dear Children,

Words cannot describe the joy I felt when I heard your mother was pregnant. I was filled with such hope and excitement that you were going to enter our lives. I knew that my life was going to change, but I didnt realise it would change as much as it has.

I had hopes and dreams for you and I was looking forward to being your father. I was looking forward to teaching you about life, about God and about all the things I have learnt in my life.

Words cannot describe the sadness that filled my heart when I heard that each one of you had died, that sadness remains in my heart. I'm sad that you died and I felt helpless to do anything to change the situation.
Even though you were all a few weeks old, I felt like I had a connection with you. I felt like I knew you and I knew the people you were going to become. Never in my life have I known people for only a few weeks who have changed my life so dramatically.

I long for the day when I will meet you all again in Heaven and have the opportunity to be your father.



I have been thinking about all those "dad's-in-waiting". The ache in their hearts is real.

But this Fathers Day I want to honour MY husband. He is a dad who doesn't have little hands around his neck telling him they love him, but he is a man who has shown incredible strength and wisdom.

He may not have baby puke on his shirt, but many a time he has had my tears on his shoulders.

He may not be sleep deprived due to midnight feeds, but has had many sleepless nights praying that we will get through it all.

He may not have spent days in the maternity ward visiting his wife and baby, but he has spent many days sitting beside his wife in hospital while she has had surgery and procedures done.



He may not be out in the park playing with his kids, but he walks past and prays that one day that will be him with his kids.

He may not be doing 'late night Pharmacy runs' to get meds for the baby, but he is at the pharmacy getting his wife all the hormone pills and medication she needs to try sustain life inside of her.

He may not be bankrupt due to money spent on baby paraphernalia, but rather due to money paid to fertility specialists, hospital bills and medication.

He is a Dad-in waiting who has stood by his wife's side no matter what.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who has cried himself to sleep but picked himself up and carried on.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who has spent money to ensure his wife has the best pre-natal care possible.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who is the bravest, strongest and most courageous person.
He is a Dad-in-waiting who has often asked 'why' but has always known God's deep love and faithfulness!

This Fathers Day I want to honour you, Mike, and I know that you have made our babies VERY proud!!