The One?

After the previous heartbreaking miscarriage, Mike and I decided that we desperately wanted to keep positive and although the previous pregnancy had not worked out we were willing to try again.
However, we were not going to go through the same process at the clinic that we did the previous time. part of me thought that we had wasted a lot of time, money and emotionally reserves that we already had very little of. We felt rather optimistic - despite everything that had recently gone on.
A new year is for new beginnings, right?

So, I made an appointment to see Dr J again and explained everything that had happened. Even though she had referred me to this particular fertility clinic I said I wasn't happy and didn't want to go back. I asked her if I could try 1 more time under her care. She agreed, but said that if I had another miscarriage she would refer me elsewhere yet again.
Sure! In the back of my mind, I thought, "Dr J - there isn't going to be ANOTHER miscarriage. I've been through it all. There HAS to come a time where it will work?"

Friday 28 January: A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST :)
I couldn't believe it! Mike was at a waterpolo game and I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could share it with him! He was gonna be a dad again! And I knew in my heart that this was it! Enough heartache and disappointment - this was it! :)
I think the best word to describe how we felt was cautiously optimistic! Knowing what we knew from past experience made things more real to us.

A blood test a few days later showed that my hcg levels were 150, which Dr J said were a little low and she wanted me to have a re-test in 48 hours. The actual hcg value in itself is not too important but it's more about how they are increasing. They are supposed to double every 48 hrs.
Waiting to go for more bloods and waiting for results left me feeling sick to my stomach and the progesterone that I had started to take didn't help that feeling at all. Finally Dr J got back to me and said that she is very happy as the hcg levels MORE than doubled in 48 hrs!

YIPPEE!!!!!

She scheduled an ultrasound with me for the 11 February - as by then we should be able to see something on the scan! She wanted me to triple my intake of progesterone which left me feeling awful but totally worth it I thought!
The next few days felt like a million years.

11 February:
Mike and I felt sick to our stomachs waiting in the waiting room. This environment just brings back too many sad reminders. Dr J came out and invited us in and gave me a big hug which put me at ease. She started scanning. I was watching her every facial expression very very carefully. By this stage I could probably scan myself - I knew exactly what I should be seeing! there was a nice round sac but there was no baby in it. Dr J reassured us and said that it's too early and that she didn't expect to see the baby just yet. She was happy with the sac size and shape and said that if something were to go wrong she would expect to see certain 'warning signs' already. That put my mind at ease but I still burst into tears and said I was very worried, and hoped to see more. She scheduled another scan for the next week.

18 February:
I arrived at Dr J's rooms before Mike did. Her rooms were particularly busy that morning. She asked me to come in which made me anxious as I didn't want to go in without Mike. She said she would scan me and then re-scan when Mike was here and then talk to us together. What I saw on the scan worried me - the sac was still a good shape and size but no still no baby. I told her how worried I was about another blighted ovum as thats what my 2nd miscarriage was. She said she was worried about that too but would re-scan when Mike got there and would chat to us then.
So waiting back in the rooms, palms sweating, waiting for Mike to come in. When Mike walked in and saw my face he panicked.

We then went back to Dr J and when she re-scanned me - we saw it - THE BABY with a beautiful yolk sac and a HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!! I was just crying - this was a moment I had been dreaming about for SO long and never ever thought I would see! She even joked and said that it was just waiting for its dad to get there! :) My heart melted!

25 February (my birthday)
I was nervous to make a scan appt on my birthday in case things made a turn for the worse, but I just had to know that everything was still ok.
Mike couldn't make it at the last minute as there was an emergency chemical accident at their pool at school. Dr J was so sweet and understanding as she knew how nervous I was without Mike there. She scanned and this was the best appt yet - the baby has grown beautifully and the heartbeat was strong! Once again - I just cried and cried! This was really happening - we were finally going to have a baby!



The picture below was the picture that I sent to our family and some friends!
I was 1 very proud mommy!!



Dr J very kindly took this picture so I could send it to Mike:



Best birthday present ever!!!
But little did I know that would be the last time I would see my baby's heart beating!

The next appt I decided to make for 2 weeks time. It was Wednesday 9 March. I was actually rather excited for this scan. After a very good last scan I was convinced that this was it - I had allowed myself to get excited!
But when I saw the look on Dr J's face when she was scanning - I just knew. My heart just sank and I felt physically ill. She looked at Mike and I and said those damn dreaded words again - "I'm sorry!" She took me in her arms while Mike needed to cancel a meeting he was supposed to be rushing off to. She hugged me and we both just cried. She spoke about the procedure again and I had to get all the hospital codes again.
Mike was going away for the next few days so thank goodness my mom could fly down to be with me. It broke Mike's heart to not be there but he needed to go and I knew what to expect. It didn't make it easier but I knew how to prepare myself.

Friday 11 March came and I was admitted for the "Evacuation of Uterus". The worst part for me is signing that form that gives them permission to burn all contents of your uterus...... I choke up every time I have to sign it! Thats not the contents of my uterus - thats my baby!!!
My precious mom and mom-in-law sat with me at the hospital that day and bonded while I was in theatre. My mom took this pic of me - it may not be the glowing, bulging pregnancy pic that others take but it was mine that day:

She sent it to Mike.


The worst part of that day was lying in the hospital bed, in the theatre waiting area, waiting for Dr J and lying next to a pregnant woman and he husband all excited to have a ceasar - that was complete and utter heartbreaking torture! I told Dr J I wanted to have the fetus tested to find out what went wrong. Perhaps we could get closer to some answers?
Waking up after the op and reality hits and the empty feeling starts settling in - the feeling that I knew all too well! I hated it! Coming home and life just goes on is very difficult.

A few very difficult, challenging and heartbreaking days and weeks lay ahead.........