venting!

So things have been building for a while and today I just want to scream!!
One of the ways to get it off it my chest is to blog it.

So if you are reading this then just understand!

I am feeling mad! Mad, mad, mad!! I am not sure exactly who or what I'm mad with but I'm mad!
I'm mad that my pregnancies didn't work out.

When u tell someone how u feel they are able to reply and try to offer you advice so now that you are reading it you can't do anything but just listen so I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel about myself- I feel like a failure!! Now usually people will say- oh don't feel like that or no, youu not a failure, but deep down inside - if you were extremely honestly with yourself you would feel the same if you had repeatedly lost babies! A woman is designed to have children and what a slap in the face when one can't!

Every time a pregnancy is announced or a scan is shown its a slap in my face! Someone else who has it right and I don't! I'm tired of trying to be gracious at baby showers by going or by sending a gift. I'm tired of pretending I'm interested in some peoples pregnancies. I'm tired of hearing that others are pregnant!

I'm just mad at life!! I feel that I have been a faithful person, I am grateful for things in my life and am not a demanding person but all I wanted was to be preg and a baby- gees, is that too freakin much to ask?

I'm just mad - even burst into tears today because I was so mad that my gynae didn't have scan paper for the whole duration of my last pregnancy!!!! It was the most important thing to us - seeing our baby with a heartbeat was insanely magical but to not have paper???? Arg! I'm mad!

Tomorrow will be a better day - it always does get better but for now I'm mad!!!

Feelings after a miscarriage

Changing times.

"My pain can be a posture of prayer for others!"

I read this a few ago and it has stuck in my mind since then!
If i had read this a few months ago I would have thought that it would never ever have been possible!
My heartache and grief had completely taken over my life and I was feeling defeated!

It was today that Mike and I were chatting about how well we feel we are doing! Yes we still have our sad days and better days but we doing heaps better than even a few weeks ago!
We will never ever just "forget" our lost babies because they have helped shaped uus todayy! It shakes one to the very core and questions everything you ever believed in!

However, I have met so many women along my journey who have gone through a miscarriage or are still - unbeknown to them - going to go through this heartache!
I have had the honour of walking the road with a lot of these amazing women whose dreams have been shattered as well! Women who are going through a very silent grief that society often doesn't validate!
It is amazing how special it is when people remember an expected due date or a particulary important date for that lady!
I hold all these women so close to my heart and I can pray for them with a genuine yyearning and desire for them to be comforted and for God to give them joy again! This has only been possible becauuse of what I have gone through! I know that everyones individual stories are different but the pain is the same!

My miscarriages have also given me more sympathy for anyone who is grieving - no matter who they have lost and I know the special a bunch of flowers are or a meal or a hug is on a difficult day!

I am walking a road that I certainly didn't want to but I'm here now and I'm meeting amazing woman who are unfortunately on the same road and we all have something in common. Its a hard road - harder than what most people think - but we can only just pick eachother up and carry on! As much as we want to sit down and call for the sweeping vehicle to come pick us up coz we are DONE, we can't! We have to keep going!

I am grateful for those people in my life and I desire to be an encouragement to others too!
Some good has to come out of this difficult and taxing situation!

Mistake?

To be honest, I usually avoid baby dedications at church like the plague. It just hurts too much but yesterday we went to our niece's baby thanksgiving.
It was a special day for that family and I was touched to be invited to be a part of it.

I had a lot of anxiety building up, hoping that I wouldn't just burst into tears in the church as sometimes my feelings come out of no where and I can't stop the flood gates. So when the lady stood up to say a few words about the parents and families that are standing up front with their babies, I tried very hard not to concentrate on what she was saying because I knew it would just upset me. So I was looking around thinking about what I feel like for lunch, thinking about what I was going to wear to work today and how I was so excited to watch Army Wives on Monday night!

However, I kept on hearing bits and pieces of what she had to say. One thing she said that has stuck in my mind is: She said that all the babies here are not mistakes - they have a plan and a purpose. That I fully agree with but then I suddenly had this sick feeling in my stomach - were my babies mistakes?
Is that why they never made it because they actually were mistakes?

They will never be able to impact other people, other people wont be touched by their kindness, their hospitality, their love and their thoughtful natures.
Was it all one big mistake?

I can't seem to understand how some people make pregnancy look so easy? It just all happens the way it show with no extra injections, progesterone, no worrying from scan to scan. They are so naive and I SO wish I was too! Aah, I remember the day where I actually PLANNED when I wanted to have the baby (I was going to have a summer baby) and what gender I wanted (we wanted a boy - which was hard because we got our 2 little boys).

Where did I go wrong - and not only once, but over and over again?

Part of me has times where I rebel - like drinking copious amounts of coffee coz I can, starving myself for a day coz I can. For once I don't have to worry about it harming someone else.

I have about a million friends and facebook acquaintences who are pregnant right now and it's rather strange, but I do not wish to be where they are right now. I like having my body to myself but I do envy their naivety.

I will never have that again - even if we do decide to try again one day?

On a more positive note, I have learnt from fb what type of a mom I DO NOT want to be, and from some (a few) what type of a mom I do want to be. And perhaps, if all had gone according to MY plan and my baby was close to turning 2 years old, I would have turned into a mom that I didn't want to become.

When I did GriefShare I remember them saying that your loved one may have died but you haven't - you have to carry on living. And that is true for me too.

My babies may not be alive today but I still am. And yes, I have terrible days where I just sob and sob at the unfairness of life, but there are other days where I'm like: BRING IT ON - Ive gone through so much I can take this problem on - its a walk in the park.

My babies may have died but as long as I'm still around you have this mamma to deal with and she means business!

If I can touch just 1 person's life or encourage just 1 person to keep on going no matter what, then all this is not in vain. Some good has to come out of heartache.

Oh, I wish I could change things - I really do.
But then I think about the person I am today and the person I was on 17 August 2009 and they are so different.

The lessons I have learnt, the people I have met and the stories I have shared and listened to are invaluable!

Happy - Sad days

What do you say...?

What do you say when a baby dies and someone says....
"At least you didn't bring it home".
What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone says....
"At least it never lived".
What do you say when a mother of 3 says....
"Think of all the time you will have".
What do you say when so many say....
"At least you can have another".
What do you say when someone says.... nothing?
What do you say when someone says.... "I'm sorry"
You say, with grateful tears and a warm embrace.... "Thank you!"

I think anyone who has been though a time of grief and loss can understand happy-sad days. I think as time goes on there are more happy than sad days.
For me now, sad days are usually around an important date - like a tragic scan appointment, a D&C a had to undergo or one of my baby's due dates.

However, sometimes they also come out of the blue and catch me quite unaware.
I have been feeling that lately.

My thoughts have been else where. I have found myself at work or just sitting on my bad staring out the window not even aware of what is happening around me and replaying doctors appointments or stays in hospital or wondering if my baby's ever miss me like I do them?

I think I have come a long way over the last few months since losing the last baby but days like this still happen.

I had a vivid dream last week that I found a video of one of my scans on my phone and was watching it and the baby was waving at me and I could see its hands and feet clearly. I woke up feeling understandably sad that day!

In another dream I had Mike and I were admiring our newly-born baby and we were looking at it's features and saying things like "oh, look, it has your nose and my smile", and then all of a sudden someone came to take the baby away and we were fighting and screaming to try get it back.

I have wondered recently if my baby's miss me? I know this may sound crazy to most people but I'm sure people who have lost loved ones think these thoughts. Do they know I am their mother? What are they doing 'up there'? Do they miss me like I miss them?

I still sometimes cry and sob at night with a real aching for my baby's.

Like I knew them.

I still sometimes have days where I wonder how I got it wrong so many times.
I re-hash those appointments, scans, things I did, things I didn't do.

I feel bad that I have robbed my parents of their grandchildren - they were so excited. And I see my mom with other babies and think what an amazing grandmother she would be.

How did I get it so wrong?

Happy-Sad days are still come along. Some for reasons but others out of the blue.


I have a special candle that I light on days where I am missing my baby's. It makes them feel close. I look at the flame dancing around and it makes me think of them dancing and having fun together!

I sometimes long for the "5 'o clock" madness that mom's complain about. With bath time, supper time etc.
Our evenings can get very very quiet! One can only do so many walks in the evenings, drives and tv. Sometimes I am ready for bed at 5pm.

The book below has helped me so much and I often read it again from time to time.




I have learnt to embrace those sad days.
Cry when I need to.
Eat (sorry, I mean DEVOUR) chocolate when I need to.
Be angry when I need to be.
Scream when I need to.

I have learnt to be gentle on myself on those days. And KNOW that the feeling will pass, as it always has, making way for a happy day,
when I can 'remember'
with a smile on my face!

xxx