Mistake?

To be honest, I usually avoid baby dedications at church like the plague. It just hurts too much but yesterday we went to our niece's baby thanksgiving.
It was a special day for that family and I was touched to be invited to be a part of it.

I had a lot of anxiety building up, hoping that I wouldn't just burst into tears in the church as sometimes my feelings come out of no where and I can't stop the flood gates. So when the lady stood up to say a few words about the parents and families that are standing up front with their babies, I tried very hard not to concentrate on what she was saying because I knew it would just upset me. So I was looking around thinking about what I feel like for lunch, thinking about what I was going to wear to work today and how I was so excited to watch Army Wives on Monday night!

However, I kept on hearing bits and pieces of what she had to say. One thing she said that has stuck in my mind is: She said that all the babies here are not mistakes - they have a plan and a purpose. That I fully agree with but then I suddenly had this sick feeling in my stomach - were my babies mistakes?
Is that why they never made it because they actually were mistakes?

They will never be able to impact other people, other people wont be touched by their kindness, their hospitality, their love and their thoughtful natures.
Was it all one big mistake?

I can't seem to understand how some people make pregnancy look so easy? It just all happens the way it show with no extra injections, progesterone, no worrying from scan to scan. They are so naive and I SO wish I was too! Aah, I remember the day where I actually PLANNED when I wanted to have the baby (I was going to have a summer baby) and what gender I wanted (we wanted a boy - which was hard because we got our 2 little boys).

Where did I go wrong - and not only once, but over and over again?

Part of me has times where I rebel - like drinking copious amounts of coffee coz I can, starving myself for a day coz I can. For once I don't have to worry about it harming someone else.

I have about a million friends and facebook acquaintences who are pregnant right now and it's rather strange, but I do not wish to be where they are right now. I like having my body to myself but I do envy their naivety.

I will never have that again - even if we do decide to try again one day?

On a more positive note, I have learnt from fb what type of a mom I DO NOT want to be, and from some (a few) what type of a mom I do want to be. And perhaps, if all had gone according to MY plan and my baby was close to turning 2 years old, I would have turned into a mom that I didn't want to become.

When I did GriefShare I remember them saying that your loved one may have died but you haven't - you have to carry on living. And that is true for me too.

My babies may not be alive today but I still am. And yes, I have terrible days where I just sob and sob at the unfairness of life, but there are other days where I'm like: BRING IT ON - Ive gone through so much I can take this problem on - its a walk in the park.

My babies may have died but as long as I'm still around you have this mamma to deal with and she means business!

If I can touch just 1 person's life or encourage just 1 person to keep on going no matter what, then all this is not in vain. Some good has to come out of heartache.

Oh, I wish I could change things - I really do.
But then I think about the person I am today and the person I was on 17 August 2009 and they are so different.

The lessons I have learnt, the people I have met and the stories I have shared and listened to are invaluable!