Happy - Sad days

What do you say...?

What do you say when a baby dies and someone says....
"At least you didn't bring it home".
What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone says....
"At least it never lived".
What do you say when a mother of 3 says....
"Think of all the time you will have".
What do you say when so many say....
"At least you can have another".
What do you say when someone says.... nothing?
What do you say when someone says.... "I'm sorry"
You say, with grateful tears and a warm embrace.... "Thank you!"

I think anyone who has been though a time of grief and loss can understand happy-sad days. I think as time goes on there are more happy than sad days.
For me now, sad days are usually around an important date - like a tragic scan appointment, a D&C a had to undergo or one of my baby's due dates.

However, sometimes they also come out of the blue and catch me quite unaware.
I have been feeling that lately.

My thoughts have been else where. I have found myself at work or just sitting on my bad staring out the window not even aware of what is happening around me and replaying doctors appointments or stays in hospital or wondering if my baby's ever miss me like I do them?

I think I have come a long way over the last few months since losing the last baby but days like this still happen.

I had a vivid dream last week that I found a video of one of my scans on my phone and was watching it and the baby was waving at me and I could see its hands and feet clearly. I woke up feeling understandably sad that day!

In another dream I had Mike and I were admiring our newly-born baby and we were looking at it's features and saying things like "oh, look, it has your nose and my smile", and then all of a sudden someone came to take the baby away and we were fighting and screaming to try get it back.

I have wondered recently if my baby's miss me? I know this may sound crazy to most people but I'm sure people who have lost loved ones think these thoughts. Do they know I am their mother? What are they doing 'up there'? Do they miss me like I miss them?

I still sometimes cry and sob at night with a real aching for my baby's.

Like I knew them.

I still sometimes have days where I wonder how I got it wrong so many times.
I re-hash those appointments, scans, things I did, things I didn't do.

I feel bad that I have robbed my parents of their grandchildren - they were so excited. And I see my mom with other babies and think what an amazing grandmother she would be.

How did I get it so wrong?

Happy-Sad days are still come along. Some for reasons but others out of the blue.


I have a special candle that I light on days where I am missing my baby's. It makes them feel close. I look at the flame dancing around and it makes me think of them dancing and having fun together!

I sometimes long for the "5 'o clock" madness that mom's complain about. With bath time, supper time etc.
Our evenings can get very very quiet! One can only do so many walks in the evenings, drives and tv. Sometimes I am ready for bed at 5pm.

The book below has helped me so much and I often read it again from time to time.




I have learnt to embrace those sad days.
Cry when I need to.
Eat (sorry, I mean DEVOUR) chocolate when I need to.
Be angry when I need to be.
Scream when I need to.

I have learnt to be gentle on myself on those days. And KNOW that the feeling will pass, as it always has, making way for a happy day,
when I can 'remember'
with a smile on my face!

xxx