Beginning and end.....

Everyone looks back over the last year and reflects on what has happened! I have been doing the same over the last few days and this past year has REALLY had its fair share of emotions and changes! I honestly didn't think I would be in Singapore at the moment! I thought I would have a bouncy baby in my arms!

So my 2011 started off with a baby lost.... I lost baby number 3 on news yrs day! wow, what a difficult day and time that was! I get teary eyed just thinking about the range of raw emotions that I felt.

Mike and I then enjoyed a trip to Mauritius - it was amazing to get away but my loss was very much on my mind all the time! A change of scenery was just what the doctor ordered!



Not long after that - another pregnancy: who hoo! Perhaps 2011 really was the yr that I would have a baby?



Perhaps I had got my hopes up too much with this baby. Because my little baby Boy was taken away too soon - yet again!





Once again, Mike was an amazing support, even though he was hurting so much in his own way!

After a few months of grieving and not really knowing how to grieve, we decided to have a memorial service for all our babies! With a few close friends and family around we were able to say goodbye to our babies and share our pain a bit with others. That was definitely a turning point in our journey!




Not too long after the memorial service I needed to be hospitalized for 2 weeks due to complete mental and physical breakdown. I think the pressure, heartache and despair from the last few years had just taken its toll on me. That was a particularly low time during 2011. I felt defeated by life and couldn't imagine ever feeling better about myself or life again!

However, by the Grace of God and support of people I got through it all and steadily started recovering. It was a long journey to try feel 'normal' again and able to make it through a day without falling apart!

2011 also contained the big decision of moving overseas. I can clearly remember that night where we decided that we had this one life to live and we want to make the most of it. We had been stuck on "Planet Baby", except everyone elses babies were arriving but ours wasn't. We felt stuck and defeated!

We needed a change and a new persepective on life! We cannot wallow on what we didnt have but we needed to focus on what we did have and what we could still do!

SO, after many months of planning - we are finally here!
Been in Singapore a week and loving it!
Really wanting to get settled into our own place so that we can feel more at 'home'.
It still feels like we just here on holiday!

So, the plans for 2012.....?

I am done making specific plans because I just feel more dissapointed when they don't work out.
I want to make the most of everything around me.
We would love to do some travelling around this side of the world, we would love for people to come stay with us and explore with us.

I am not sure what road the parenting road will take us down. But I am ok with things now! I can't let that become my idol. For now, I love being around kids and am looking forward to building special relationships with the kids that I will be working with at the therapy centre.

Ending off..... the one thing that I am sure of is that God is faithful!

There have been times were I have wanted the world to stop and let me jump off, but God has held me very close! Right where I have needed to be. And I know going forward that He will ALWAYS hold me close and will never let me go!

Mike and I are closer than ever through all the hard times we have had to endure this past year and Im looking forward to having some fun with him again!

I am a stronger person now, than when I started 2011.

I wish with everything I had, that things were different and I could have children with me today but at the same time I have learnt so much through all the trials and I feel my life is richer and more blessed through it all!

May 2012 be a blessed yr for all my friends and family!
We are told that in the life we will have trouble but we are also told that God has overcome it all, and that is just amazing!!!!

I am standing stronger now and very grateful for 2011, and looking forward to 2012!

A new season!

"Life is a book with many chapters. Some tell of tragedy, others of triumph. Some are dull and ordinary, others intense and exciting. The key to being a success in life is to never stop on a difficult page, to never quit on a tough chapter. Champions have the courage to keep turning the pages because they know a better chapter lies ahead because with faith nothing is impossible."

So today we start a new chapter!

There are definitely mixed feelings! I do not like saying goodbye!

Amazing to think that this time last year I found out I was pregnant! Wow, that feeling was amazing and we had a very special Christmas day with family and sharing the news with our parents. Then to think of all the rest that followed in this past year - it makes my heart ache just thinking about it.

So I am ready to embark on a new adventure - with new challenges and joys!

We will definitely be keeping in touch with everyone and thank goodness for technology now days, keeping people in touch more easily!

So I'm excited but yet mt stomach is filled with butterflies!
But one thing is for sure, God has been so incredibly faithful this last year! In the up's and the down's and we excited for what lies ahead as we learn to trust in Him more and more and be led by Him!

Love ya all and see ya on the flip side...... lets just hope I don't have to be subjected to "chicken" or "beef" for my Christmas day lunch!!!!

Reflecting

There has been so much going through my mind lately with all our packing and sorting and the uncertainty of when our visas are going to come through!

I have time to reflect on things as I have sat packing and so many memories have come up!
With our anniversary yesterday Mike and I had a good chuckle on all the things we have been through in the last 6 yrs - good and bad.
And then I suddenly realised that the pain, hurt and heartache of the last 3 yrs has really overshadowed most of our married life. I had forgotten that there were 3 yrs before that. Why had the pressure of having a healthy and live baby taken over so much?

I met with a very sweet friend of mine last week for tea who had a very valuable bit of advice. Her sister has struggled for 9 yrs to have a baby and she has felt like she has wasted those 9 yrs being obsessed with trying to have a baby. She has watched her sister agonise through those years, feeling like its all been a waste - nothing has come from it! And I can identify with that... It was yesterday that I was saying how angry I felt coz it was this time last year that we spent so much time and money on scans, medication, doctors appts and blood tests - only to come to the terrible realisation that another long-awaited pregnancy was not going to end in a healthy live baby! It makes me angry that we spent all that all for nothing!!!
Back to my friend, so seeing her sister go through all of this she decided that wheen the start trying to fall pregnant she would take up a new hobby like a photography course or cooking course etc, so that depending on the outcome of trying, she wouldn't feel like time has been wasted or lost! So that's my advice for all people out there thinking of trying soon to fall pregnant.... U don't know what type of a journey it will take you on. Its not something you usually talk about before getting married. Woman think that its a given that you will be able to have children, first time, everytime! :)

I just love spending time with my friends babies- I really love it! However, I walk away with such an empty feeling knowing that I'm not able to share in this life stage with them! Part of my grieving has also been letting go of the dreams of having our kids grow up together! I always had dreams of going to friends for tea and having our kids playing nicely together.

However, on the flip side I have met some incredible people on this journey who I probably wouldn't have met or had time for if I had my own kids. I really feel incredibly grateful for those moments. I have learnt not to take small things for granted in life and that life does not revolve around me and my wants!

We are still waiting for our visas - house is packed, rented out, cars are sorted and accounts closed. As soon as those visas come through we will be outta here and get settled there as soon as we can before I start work!

I'm excited for what's to come - whether it involve babies or not? I can't let that define me or my life. Life doesn't work out the way you hoped and planned for.

The cheesy saying: when life throws lemons at you, make lemonade, is so true! When life throws lemons at you, are you going to sit and throw a tantrum screaming.... I WANTED ORANGES!!!!! Or are you going to pick the lemons up, see what lessons you have learnt, see what people you can learn from, see which people around you are struggling to make the lemonade and help them and then invent a special machine which will help catch future lemons and automatically make lemonade - help easing your process in the future!

I don't want to be the person wishing I had oranges instead my whole life and missing out on all the possibilities that the lemons might bring!

bumps in the road

As I said in my last entry, some feelings have come and taken me quite by surprise and today was another one of those days!

Yesterday Mike and I spent the day sorting through our cupboards and rooms getting readyy for our move. We went through EVERYTHING, dividing things into 3 piles: a pile of things to give away, a pile of things to pack in boxes and store in the garage and a pile of things that we taking with!

While sorting through our stuff I came across a lot of baby things a had either bought or was given when I was pregnant. I didn't expect all the emotions that it would bring up again. I suppose by keeping them in the cupboard I wouldn't have to look at them and face my reality.
I took the stuff and spread it all out on my bed, looked at it all for a while, dreamt a bit, picked them up and felt them. Them put them in a box and got under my duvet and slept feeling very raw again! I slept with the baby stuff next to my bed last night-not knowing what to do with it all.

Its still there!

While at church this morning I glanced over to my left and saw a lady holding her 5 month old baby in front of her and the baby was staring up at her mommy- it made my heart ache. As I turned to my left there was a visibly pregnant lady lovingly rubbing her belly - all of a sudden the tears just came and I totally couldn't stop them!

I had such an ache for my babies all of a sudden! I'm so sad they not with us! I'm so sad I can't hang personalised decorations on a christmas tree (I always look for their names when I go to the shops).

I was so proud of myself last week - I managed to hold myself together while going to see my doctor! I felt a little anxious when I walked in and realised that I would need to wait a bit as she was running late as this meant more time to sit in her waiting room seeing pregnant women and their husbands coming and going! This place has brought such a mixture of feelings in the past- utter joy after hearing a heartbeat but complete despair when told each of my babies had died! But I held myself together and sat and reflected on how far I have come!
I did feel a bit strange for the rest of the day and went to bed early to make the next da come quicker!

So here I am- feeling slightly tender around the edges after having many memories brought up again but also thankful for how far I have come and where I am today and with what lies ahead!

Healing

My house is very quiet this morning.
Mike is away at Sun City with his dad. I have lots of odds and ends to get done today. One of them being finishing my progress reports for school. So I went downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee, got a bowl of cherries for breakfast and started on my reports.

Half way through trying to comment on a girls improvement in her ability to decode blend sounds in words, I suddenly stopped, drew a blank and stared out the window. Before I knew it I had been staring out the window for 15 min and without conciously doing it, had been thinking about my babies. Thinking about my doctors appointments, the baby things I still have in my cupboard and how much I miss them.
All of a sudden my eyes started welling up with tears and I had a good cry!




How weird, that one can be feeling so 'normal' and then all of a sudden these feelings creep up like that. This doesn't mean I have taken big steps back in my journey or have now hit a wall. I have learnt that its ok to have these moments. To have a good cry, to miss what could have been and to think about my babies.

I spent some time with my niece and my god-daughter yesterday and those times were so precious. Little things that people might take for granted I treasure so dearly. Like having my god-daughter throw her arms around my neck and tell me she loves me, or having my 10 month old niece give me a big open-mouth-gobby kiss on the cheek. I didn't mind having dried mushy apple pieces stuck on my skirt or having clips pinned in my hair and princess stickers stuck all over face!

I just love it!



I have a bunch of baby things in my cupboard i am not sure what to do with.
They are too special to just throw away but I feel very sentimental about them because they were meant for MY baby and what am I saying if I just simply get rid of them? But with us moving, I need to do something with it?

I have been thinking something completely ludicrous lately but I am sure that people who have lost someone might feel like this sometimes: with u moving to Singapore, I wonder if our babies know this? This has always been their 'home' and now I am moving away from them. Silly, I know, coz I know where they are and I keep them in my heart but I still have this sense that I am 'leaving them' and I just want them to know where I am going and Im there if they need me?

I had a good giggle with a precious friend of mine yesterday who lost her husband last year. We were both saying how proud we were of each other - and we were looking back to how we felt this time last year. We both did a grief course together and there were some real difficult times. But I am so proud of all the steps forward she has taken in the face of some very difficult times! She inspires me!
And sometimes I also look at how far I have come - yes, with the help of some medication too, but I can feel I am taking steps forward and I think thats why I get caught by surprize by these strange feelings that creep up on me from time to time!

So today, I really feel like being close with my babies, the house is quiet but yet I feel them in my heart. I am sure they would be proud of their mommy who has carried on walking even though her heart aches.

I love them dearly, even though I never met. I feel like I knew them. I carried each one of them! They were mine!

I think I may spend some time reading through my scrapbook again and lighting my candle and just spend some quiet time reflecting today!

My heart feels love today - I can remember them without a rawness that was here a little while ago!

Glory Baby

I just absolutely LOVE the words to this song and I love the actual song and tune as well!

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…




I feel that I have come along way on this journey! From an inceredible high at the beginning of the year with a very special pregnancy to an incredible low in the middle of the year when I realised I needed professional help. I felt like a failure reaching out, but now I realise how it actually took incredible strength and courage to reach out and admit I need help!

So, reflecting on the year (as everyone does at the end of the year), this year has had some very different emotions. But I can honestly say I am still standing here on my 2 feet and I feel stronger and wiser! Things I have learnt about my character, the amazing things I have discovered about Mike and how much I have learnt to lean on God for, have been invaluable lessons!

My heart still aches and tugs often - with reminders here and there!
I often think about what could have been and how much I wish I had my baby to celebrate Christmas with and put up the Christmas tree with and buy presents for. I wish I was a mom and had my baby here to love, hold and enjoy but there are times were I light my special candle at home and watch the flame and am reminded about how they must be dancing and celebrating in heaven!

I just wish I could tell them how much I love them!

But I have many other things to be grateful for and I AM incredibly grateful for them!

Mike and I are still waiting for our visas for Singapore, but we hoping to get them VERY soon and then aim to leave in about 2 weeks time. We are SO looking forward to a new adventure and more things to experience and be grateful for!

But for now, I have learnt to be content in every situation and circumstance and be grateful for what I have in my life NOW!
It may not have been what I initially wanted or planned for but it's what I have now and thats special!

venting!

So things have been building for a while and today I just want to scream!!
One of the ways to get it off it my chest is to blog it.

So if you are reading this then just understand!

I am feeling mad! Mad, mad, mad!! I am not sure exactly who or what I'm mad with but I'm mad!
I'm mad that my pregnancies didn't work out.

When u tell someone how u feel they are able to reply and try to offer you advice so now that you are reading it you can't do anything but just listen so I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel about myself- I feel like a failure!! Now usually people will say- oh don't feel like that or no, youu not a failure, but deep down inside - if you were extremely honestly with yourself you would feel the same if you had repeatedly lost babies! A woman is designed to have children and what a slap in the face when one can't!

Every time a pregnancy is announced or a scan is shown its a slap in my face! Someone else who has it right and I don't! I'm tired of trying to be gracious at baby showers by going or by sending a gift. I'm tired of pretending I'm interested in some peoples pregnancies. I'm tired of hearing that others are pregnant!

I'm just mad at life!! I feel that I have been a faithful person, I am grateful for things in my life and am not a demanding person but all I wanted was to be preg and a baby- gees, is that too freakin much to ask?

I'm just mad - even burst into tears today because I was so mad that my gynae didn't have scan paper for the whole duration of my last pregnancy!!!! It was the most important thing to us - seeing our baby with a heartbeat was insanely magical but to not have paper???? Arg! I'm mad!

Tomorrow will be a better day - it always does get better but for now I'm mad!!!

Feelings after a miscarriage

Changing times.

"My pain can be a posture of prayer for others!"

I read this a few ago and it has stuck in my mind since then!
If i had read this a few months ago I would have thought that it would never ever have been possible!
My heartache and grief had completely taken over my life and I was feeling defeated!

It was today that Mike and I were chatting about how well we feel we are doing! Yes we still have our sad days and better days but we doing heaps better than even a few weeks ago!
We will never ever just "forget" our lost babies because they have helped shaped uus todayy! It shakes one to the very core and questions everything you ever believed in!

However, I have met so many women along my journey who have gone through a miscarriage or are still - unbeknown to them - going to go through this heartache!
I have had the honour of walking the road with a lot of these amazing women whose dreams have been shattered as well! Women who are going through a very silent grief that society often doesn't validate!
It is amazing how special it is when people remember an expected due date or a particulary important date for that lady!
I hold all these women so close to my heart and I can pray for them with a genuine yyearning and desire for them to be comforted and for God to give them joy again! This has only been possible becauuse of what I have gone through! I know that everyones individual stories are different but the pain is the same!

My miscarriages have also given me more sympathy for anyone who is grieving - no matter who they have lost and I know the special a bunch of flowers are or a meal or a hug is on a difficult day!

I am walking a road that I certainly didn't want to but I'm here now and I'm meeting amazing woman who are unfortunately on the same road and we all have something in common. Its a hard road - harder than what most people think - but we can only just pick eachother up and carry on! As much as we want to sit down and call for the sweeping vehicle to come pick us up coz we are DONE, we can't! We have to keep going!

I am grateful for those people in my life and I desire to be an encouragement to others too!
Some good has to come out of this difficult and taxing situation!

Mistake?

To be honest, I usually avoid baby dedications at church like the plague. It just hurts too much but yesterday we went to our niece's baby thanksgiving.
It was a special day for that family and I was touched to be invited to be a part of it.

I had a lot of anxiety building up, hoping that I wouldn't just burst into tears in the church as sometimes my feelings come out of no where and I can't stop the flood gates. So when the lady stood up to say a few words about the parents and families that are standing up front with their babies, I tried very hard not to concentrate on what she was saying because I knew it would just upset me. So I was looking around thinking about what I feel like for lunch, thinking about what I was going to wear to work today and how I was so excited to watch Army Wives on Monday night!

However, I kept on hearing bits and pieces of what she had to say. One thing she said that has stuck in my mind is: She said that all the babies here are not mistakes - they have a plan and a purpose. That I fully agree with but then I suddenly had this sick feeling in my stomach - were my babies mistakes?
Is that why they never made it because they actually were mistakes?

They will never be able to impact other people, other people wont be touched by their kindness, their hospitality, their love and their thoughtful natures.
Was it all one big mistake?

I can't seem to understand how some people make pregnancy look so easy? It just all happens the way it show with no extra injections, progesterone, no worrying from scan to scan. They are so naive and I SO wish I was too! Aah, I remember the day where I actually PLANNED when I wanted to have the baby (I was going to have a summer baby) and what gender I wanted (we wanted a boy - which was hard because we got our 2 little boys).

Where did I go wrong - and not only once, but over and over again?

Part of me has times where I rebel - like drinking copious amounts of coffee coz I can, starving myself for a day coz I can. For once I don't have to worry about it harming someone else.

I have about a million friends and facebook acquaintences who are pregnant right now and it's rather strange, but I do not wish to be where they are right now. I like having my body to myself but I do envy their naivety.

I will never have that again - even if we do decide to try again one day?

On a more positive note, I have learnt from fb what type of a mom I DO NOT want to be, and from some (a few) what type of a mom I do want to be. And perhaps, if all had gone according to MY plan and my baby was close to turning 2 years old, I would have turned into a mom that I didn't want to become.

When I did GriefShare I remember them saying that your loved one may have died but you haven't - you have to carry on living. And that is true for me too.

My babies may not be alive today but I still am. And yes, I have terrible days where I just sob and sob at the unfairness of life, but there are other days where I'm like: BRING IT ON - Ive gone through so much I can take this problem on - its a walk in the park.

My babies may have died but as long as I'm still around you have this mamma to deal with and she means business!

If I can touch just 1 person's life or encourage just 1 person to keep on going no matter what, then all this is not in vain. Some good has to come out of heartache.

Oh, I wish I could change things - I really do.
But then I think about the person I am today and the person I was on 17 August 2009 and they are so different.

The lessons I have learnt, the people I have met and the stories I have shared and listened to are invaluable!

Happy - Sad days

What do you say...?

What do you say when a baby dies and someone says....
"At least you didn't bring it home".
What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone says....
"At least it never lived".
What do you say when a mother of 3 says....
"Think of all the time you will have".
What do you say when so many say....
"At least you can have another".
What do you say when someone says.... nothing?
What do you say when someone says.... "I'm sorry"
You say, with grateful tears and a warm embrace.... "Thank you!"

I think anyone who has been though a time of grief and loss can understand happy-sad days. I think as time goes on there are more happy than sad days.
For me now, sad days are usually around an important date - like a tragic scan appointment, a D&C a had to undergo or one of my baby's due dates.

However, sometimes they also come out of the blue and catch me quite unaware.
I have been feeling that lately.

My thoughts have been else where. I have found myself at work or just sitting on my bad staring out the window not even aware of what is happening around me and replaying doctors appointments or stays in hospital or wondering if my baby's ever miss me like I do them?

I think I have come a long way over the last few months since losing the last baby but days like this still happen.

I had a vivid dream last week that I found a video of one of my scans on my phone and was watching it and the baby was waving at me and I could see its hands and feet clearly. I woke up feeling understandably sad that day!

In another dream I had Mike and I were admiring our newly-born baby and we were looking at it's features and saying things like "oh, look, it has your nose and my smile", and then all of a sudden someone came to take the baby away and we were fighting and screaming to try get it back.

I have wondered recently if my baby's miss me? I know this may sound crazy to most people but I'm sure people who have lost loved ones think these thoughts. Do they know I am their mother? What are they doing 'up there'? Do they miss me like I miss them?

I still sometimes cry and sob at night with a real aching for my baby's.

Like I knew them.

I still sometimes have days where I wonder how I got it wrong so many times.
I re-hash those appointments, scans, things I did, things I didn't do.

I feel bad that I have robbed my parents of their grandchildren - they were so excited. And I see my mom with other babies and think what an amazing grandmother she would be.

How did I get it so wrong?

Happy-Sad days are still come along. Some for reasons but others out of the blue.


I have a special candle that I light on days where I am missing my baby's. It makes them feel close. I look at the flame dancing around and it makes me think of them dancing and having fun together!

I sometimes long for the "5 'o clock" madness that mom's complain about. With bath time, supper time etc.
Our evenings can get very very quiet! One can only do so many walks in the evenings, drives and tv. Sometimes I am ready for bed at 5pm.

The book below has helped me so much and I often read it again from time to time.




I have learnt to embrace those sad days.
Cry when I need to.
Eat (sorry, I mean DEVOUR) chocolate when I need to.
Be angry when I need to be.
Scream when I need to.

I have learnt to be gentle on myself on those days. And KNOW that the feeling will pass, as it always has, making way for a happy day,
when I can 'remember'
with a smile on my face!

xxx

The Traveler

Below is an extract from a book I am reading called "Grieving the child I never knew", by Kathe Wunnenberg.
This book is an amazing book to go through and it has a profound affect on me in the different stages of my grief journey. I can read the same chapter a few months apart but yet it can affect me in such different ways.

I read a lovely analogy of the grief journey in the book and I wanted to share it.
I think everyone grieves in an unique way but I think there are certain aspects which are the same. I know for sure that people need other epeople to walk the road with them. Particularly people who have been through similar experiences.





WHERE AM I GOING AND HOW DO I GET THERE? wondered Traveler as she stared on at the desolate road that seemed to slither endlessly through the dark, barren valley. Instinctively she knew she must travel this route, though she yearned for another.
Accompanied by Loneliness and Uncertainty, Traveler hesitated, then stepped onto the road. Her mood reflected the thundering sky as she trudged forward.

Several mile into her journey, the sky was nearly completely black.
"I'm so weary, I can't go on!" she moaned as she rounded the bend. To her amazement, she saw a moving figure in the distance. She squeezed Uncertainty's hand as she hastened her steps and squinted at the enlarging figure.

"Hello! Who are you? Can you help me in my journey?" She shouted. To her surprise, the figure stopped. Traveller edged closer and sensed that something significant was about to happen. The figure turned and thrust a weathered, calloused hand into Traveller's. The person's grip was firm and confident, as if to communicate, "I've been on this road for a while and I know where I'm going!"
I'm Mentor!"

"Nice to meet you, Mentor! I'm Traveler. have you been on this journey long?"
Mentor nodded as she wied the perspiration from her brow. "I'm familiar with this road," she said as she gazed deep into Traveller's eyes.
"Looks like you could use the company. Do you want to walk with me for a while?"
Traveler sighed. A sense of calm flooded her soul as she paced her stride with Mentor's.

She felt free to laugh, to cry, to share and to probe for answers to her questions. Mile after mile the duo trekked on. With each step Traveller felt more confident. Hearing about the battles won, the lesson's learned and the mistakes made in Mentor's journey was like healing balm on the wounds of her heart.
When Traveler stumbled and fell Mentor quickly helped her up again. "You can make it!" cheered Mentor. With renewed hope Traveler got up and forged ahead, making sure to follow in Mentor's footsteps.

Night decended on the twosome and fear taunted Traveler. "Hold on. Don't let go! I'll lead you!" Mentor exclaimed.
Though weary, Traveler persevered and pressed on behind Mentor through the darkness to the sunrise.

The morning rays of sunshine revealed Others walking beside Traveler. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? she wondered. Normally, Traveler would have ignored them, but something within her urged her to start a conversation. She was amazed to discover that she and Others had such in common.

Traveler hastened her pace and was surprised at the confidence she felt.

MAYBE IM STRONGER BECAUSE IM NOT ALONE IN MY JOURNEY? she thought. I HAVE SOMEONE IN FRONT OF ME TO GUIDE ME AND OTHERS BESIDE ME TO RELATE TO AND ENCOURAGE ME.

WHAT MORE COULD I NEED? wondered Traveler.

As if on cue in response to her thought, a scream pierced the air.
"Hello, I'm lost and I don't know where i am going. Will you help me?"

Immediately Traveler stopped, turned, and looked at the path behind her.

She knew what she must do..........


Your road of grief is personal. It is a continuous journey. The scenery may change through the years and you may may become wiser, but be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to give and recieve support and guidance.

You know you are making progress when...

You know you are making progress when...

You can remember your baby with a smile.
You realise the painful comments others make are made in ignorance.
You reach out to help someone else.
You stop dreading the holidays.
You can sit through a church service without crying.
You can concentrate on something besides your child.
You can find something to thank God for.
You can talk about what happened to your baby without falling apart.
You can tolerate the sound of a baby crying.
You can find something to laugh about.
You can drive by the hospital, doctors rooms or that intersection without screaming and bursting into tears.
You no longer feel exhausted all the time.
You can appreciate a sunset.



I was spending some precious time with my mom today showing her the scrapbook that I have made for the baby's and then she brought out her worn out, tattered-looking folder for the twins she had that died - Sean and Warren. Sean and warren both were born at 26 weeks gestation and died shortly afterwards. My mom never held them or said goodbye.

She still has days where she sits and goes through the folder remembering all that happened. I sat with her looking at cards that she kept, letters she wrote, newspaper articles that were written about her when she started a support group and other things that she holds dear to her heart.

I then found a letter that I had written to the twins (my brothers). My mom found this letter only after I got married. It is written in my immature handwriting and on the same pad of paper that was in the folder. I had obviously been sitting looking through the folder and decided to write a letter to them. This is what my letter said:

Dear Sean and Warren,

I will always remember you.
I will never forget you.
I don't know if you know who I am, I am your big sister, Sandi.
I was 3 yrs old when you were born.
I wish you were both still alive!

I have always wondered what you would look like now.
You would have been in Std 1 this year.
We are living in Cape Town again. After you both died we moved to Joberg for 7 years.
I miss you two!!!!
Lots of love
Sandi

xxx

Memories

I love scrapbooking! It a time where I can just be by myself, enjoy the quietness and let my creative juices flow! I have done a scrapbook for our wedding, one for my mom's 50th and one for my precious god-daughter for her 1st birthday! They are very special and I love sitting and browsing through them from time to time and remembering.

I also once made a scrapbook for a lady whose baby passed away 10 days after she was born. I knew how very precious those few pictures were to her and I wanted to be able to make her something that she will treasure forever. I found that process very therapeutic for me as well.

After we had the memorial for all the babies we had lost, I kept all the poems, letters and verses that people had brought with them. I appreciate the time and effort that people took to share that day with us and the time they took to bring something with of meaning to them and us. I wanted to keep those special items and make a scrapbook out of them. It's something that I am sure will be healing for me as well. Although people may think it was 'just miscarriages', it has been a major life-changing experience in our lives, and I don't think someone quite understands the impact and trauma unless one has been through it themselves.

It is a very personal and private loss that society expects one to recover from really quickly. I found my feelings surrounding the losses of the babies to be difficult to understand myself sometimes. I had nothing tangible to attribute my loss to. I technically hadn't 'lost' anything and I never got to hold my babies, but then why did my heart ache so badly. How can you miss something that you never knew or never met? However, anyone who has been pregnant knows the instant connection you feel the second you find out you are pregnant. The planning has already long begun.

The memorial was incredibly special and we felt very supported and loved by friends and family. To be able to share our grief with them was very vulnerable for us but yet completely freeing at the same time.

I decided to do a scrapbook containing the letters that I wrote to each baby just after they died and put the special tributes from friends and family in there too.












It has been over 2 years since the 1st miscarriage and I still have days where I just sob. Days where my heart literally aches with sadness. I think that the repeated trauma of the other miscarriages that followed hasn't helped the healing and it's just created one big mess of feelings. I would do anything to change what has happened in the last 2 years. I long to experience what most of my friends have or are experiencing. To be on the sideline as a spectator is incredibly difficult. The promise of life was there and then taken away. Repeatedly.

Lately things have been particularly difficult - anticipating yet another would-be-due-date. Its a total mindset change yet again.

I think there are many aspects and avenues to this healing journey of mine. Everyone grieves differently and in different ways. Scrapbooking the losses is just one way that helps me reflect and remember.

I think the next scrapbook will be called "The Gilmour's take on Singapore!" :)

Benefits?

The Benefits of Infertility?

Obviously we would never wish infertility upon ourselves but if you are diagnosed with infertility issues of any kind, you can try make the most of your situation. It’s the very least you can do for yourselves and it will help you out in the long run.

Getting upset and frustrated will only add stress to your life and this is definitely a time when it’s very important to keep stress levels as low as possible.

(As I have said before, an extended definition of infertility is the inability to give birth to a baby, so when using the term infertility I am also referring to recurrent miscarriage.)

So, you’re probably asking…how the heck can I turn infertility into a positive thing. I ask myself that every single day! Easier said than done! I have to OFTEN remind myself that this is not plan B for my life - this is where I am supposed to be.
Oh yes, there are times I wish it was some nasty dream and I'll wake up and have my brood right next to me - but I have been given this 1 life and I have to live it to the full!
There are a few things a person can do to better yourself and your lifestyle. The opportunities are endless if you put your thinking cap on.

Change your life habits.

Going through infertility is a perfect time to change your life habits. Learn to treat yourself better. Just like anything, it will take a routine for it to truly become part of your lifestyle but now is the perfect time. When going through infertility, a healthy body and lifestyle is a huge factor. Eat better, exercise, reduce stress and sleeping habits are four very important pieces to fertility. Start here. See how changing your life habits can change your infertility. Not to mention, you will be healthier in general. There was a time where I thought why should I look after this body when it has failed me repeatedly? But then one day, my body just gave in, which affected my emotions as well. It is just better in the long run to look after yourself, eat right, exercise and pamper yourself!

Start your own fertility blog.

Blogging is a great way to write about your feelings, thoughts and comments on particular situations. Infertility is definitely a time that you will need to open up and blogging can help do this. Blogs are simple to set up and you need to know nothing about programming or coding. If you know how to type, you can blog. You never know…you might really enjoy blogging.

Grow closer to your better half.

Infertility can be a major stress on your life and your husband/wife’s life. This is a time when you can go two different ways. Further apart or closer together. Husband and wife have different ways of grieving for what could have been - perhaps there are feelings of guilt, feelings of failure and 'what if's' - "what if he had married someone else - he would be there dad he has always wanted to be!" There is nothing good that will come out of arguing about infertility or being upset that you are infertile. This will just drive you apart. Learn to talk about infertility and learn about infertility. Get as much knowledge as you can about infertility and or miscarriage. Do it together. The more you know…the better equipped you will be in dealing with infertility and the treatments you might have to go through.

Realize that life isn’t always perfect.

This particular point is so very true. Whoever has had a perfect life so far, please contact me and let me know how you did it. Things don’t always go our way. Some of us learn that the hard way! Infertility is one of those things that can creep up on us and hit us like a ton of bricks. Most people don’t assume they are infertile. It catches them off guard and is a major curve ball in life.


Use infertility as a major life experience.

There are some major life experiences we face. Some good. Some not so good. After going through recurrent miscarriages with Mike, as difficult, painful and sad as it has been - good can come out of it. I really think infertility / miscarriage is a great learning lesson. It helps you realize the miracle of pregnancy. It helps you realize all of the little pieces that have to happen before you can get pregnant. It keeps you humble. It can help change your life and lifestyle. You can become healthier because of infertility. You can become more educated because of infertility. It can grow your relationship. It can make you realize the important things in life that we often forget about. Infertility can be a positive major life experience.

The journey forwards.

The tests results showed that our baby had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 16. Babies with full Trisomy 16 will never make it - it is always fatal. Tests also revealed that our baby was going to be another BOY!



That was difficult!

After being referred to another fertility clinic, more tests were carried out, including genetic testing for Mike and I, and another hysteroscopy to check my uterus again. 7 weeks after the miscarriage I had to go into hopsital for yet another D&C as tests showed that the baby's placenta was still in the uterus and the risk of infection is too high to leave. So, once again, it was a trip to Kingsbury, general anaethetic and recovery time. We were now sick and tired of this all. After being knocked down, getting up time and time again, just to be knocked down again - was it all really worth it. We were starting to doubt if we could actually ever try this again? When is enough enough?



Once again, Mike was amazing! He has been right by side through this all. We have cried together, laughed together and dreamed together! This has brought us closer than we could ever imagine. Our wedding vows were made real to us: in sickness and in health. I am beyond amazed at what an amazing, strong and supportive husband I have!

My dear friend brought up the idea of perhaps having a memorial service for all the babies we have lost. Initially, I just choked up at the thought of it but after letting it sit for a while we thought it might be a very good idea. It will be a time to say goodbye to our babies and validate their short lives.

Looking back - that memorial service was a turning point in our grief journey! So many emotions roll into one big ball of mess and you eventually can;t see the wood for the trees. The memorial was very special. Family and close friends were there. each brought a poem, letter or verses to read. Mike and I were able to read out letters we had written to our babies of the plans and dreams we had for each one of them. It was very freeing to be able to share our grief with people. The grief from a miscarriage is a very personal and isolating grief, and we felt liberated and privileged to be able to share that. It was a sad but very important and special day!





What now?

I don't know how this story is going to end? I don't know what our next step will involve? My thinking and beliefs have been challenged to my very core.
For the first time ever, we have started talking about the possibility of being a childless couple. That has been a very very difficult thing for me to think about. We always think that having children is a 'given' but it's not.
I don't know why, and I don't understand a lot of things right now? The question of children being a way that God shows us his love, favour and blessing is also difficult for me to understand right now. Have I done something wrong? Is this a punishment? How come other friends of mine are getting it right? Are they more blessed than me? I have always wanted to be a mom. Even my career and choice of current job gave way to having children. Mike and I have always dreamed of a big garden with children running around.
That might still happen, but it might not?

I feel angry sometimes, but not sure who I am angry with? Myself? God? Other gloating pregnant friends? Friends who have children and seem to have it all? If I'm honest, perhaps all of the above. The feelings of failure on my part are HUGE. I feel I have tried and have failed.

So, I'm not sure where this leaves Mike and I right now? I can say we have grown through this all. Perhaps having biological children won't be an option, perhaps we will look at other ways of being parents or perhaps we will just be the 2 of us.

Whatever happens, we can't change what has happened.

We have so many things to be grateful for! We have this life that we have been given and we need to live it to the full. We need to be all that God intended for us to be. If having children is the only thing we strive for in life, we will be missing out on so much else. There is more to life and there is more to us.
This is not God's plan B for our lives - we are exactly where God wants us right now and we are all the more closer to each other and richer because of it.

God has been with us every step of the way and has seen all our tears and heard all our prayers. He knows the questions we are asking and all the feelings we are struggling with.
God is still good and we ARE blessed because of what Jesus did on the cross - not because of what we have or don't have. Children or no children - we are blessed because - above all - He died for us!

The One?

After the previous heartbreaking miscarriage, Mike and I decided that we desperately wanted to keep positive and although the previous pregnancy had not worked out we were willing to try again.
However, we were not going to go through the same process at the clinic that we did the previous time. part of me thought that we had wasted a lot of time, money and emotionally reserves that we already had very little of. We felt rather optimistic - despite everything that had recently gone on.
A new year is for new beginnings, right?

So, I made an appointment to see Dr J again and explained everything that had happened. Even though she had referred me to this particular fertility clinic I said I wasn't happy and didn't want to go back. I asked her if I could try 1 more time under her care. She agreed, but said that if I had another miscarriage she would refer me elsewhere yet again.
Sure! In the back of my mind, I thought, "Dr J - there isn't going to be ANOTHER miscarriage. I've been through it all. There HAS to come a time where it will work?"

Friday 28 January: A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST :)
I couldn't believe it! Mike was at a waterpolo game and I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could share it with him! He was gonna be a dad again! And I knew in my heart that this was it! Enough heartache and disappointment - this was it! :)
I think the best word to describe how we felt was cautiously optimistic! Knowing what we knew from past experience made things more real to us.

A blood test a few days later showed that my hcg levels were 150, which Dr J said were a little low and she wanted me to have a re-test in 48 hours. The actual hcg value in itself is not too important but it's more about how they are increasing. They are supposed to double every 48 hrs.
Waiting to go for more bloods and waiting for results left me feeling sick to my stomach and the progesterone that I had started to take didn't help that feeling at all. Finally Dr J got back to me and said that she is very happy as the hcg levels MORE than doubled in 48 hrs!

YIPPEE!!!!!

She scheduled an ultrasound with me for the 11 February - as by then we should be able to see something on the scan! She wanted me to triple my intake of progesterone which left me feeling awful but totally worth it I thought!
The next few days felt like a million years.

11 February:
Mike and I felt sick to our stomachs waiting in the waiting room. This environment just brings back too many sad reminders. Dr J came out and invited us in and gave me a big hug which put me at ease. She started scanning. I was watching her every facial expression very very carefully. By this stage I could probably scan myself - I knew exactly what I should be seeing! there was a nice round sac but there was no baby in it. Dr J reassured us and said that it's too early and that she didn't expect to see the baby just yet. She was happy with the sac size and shape and said that if something were to go wrong she would expect to see certain 'warning signs' already. That put my mind at ease but I still burst into tears and said I was very worried, and hoped to see more. She scheduled another scan for the next week.

18 February:
I arrived at Dr J's rooms before Mike did. Her rooms were particularly busy that morning. She asked me to come in which made me anxious as I didn't want to go in without Mike. She said she would scan me and then re-scan when Mike was here and then talk to us together. What I saw on the scan worried me - the sac was still a good shape and size but no still no baby. I told her how worried I was about another blighted ovum as thats what my 2nd miscarriage was. She said she was worried about that too but would re-scan when Mike got there and would chat to us then.
So waiting back in the rooms, palms sweating, waiting for Mike to come in. When Mike walked in and saw my face he panicked.

We then went back to Dr J and when she re-scanned me - we saw it - THE BABY with a beautiful yolk sac and a HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!! I was just crying - this was a moment I had been dreaming about for SO long and never ever thought I would see! She even joked and said that it was just waiting for its dad to get there! :) My heart melted!

25 February (my birthday)
I was nervous to make a scan appt on my birthday in case things made a turn for the worse, but I just had to know that everything was still ok.
Mike couldn't make it at the last minute as there was an emergency chemical accident at their pool at school. Dr J was so sweet and understanding as she knew how nervous I was without Mike there. She scanned and this was the best appt yet - the baby has grown beautifully and the heartbeat was strong! Once again - I just cried and cried! This was really happening - we were finally going to have a baby!



The picture below was the picture that I sent to our family and some friends!
I was 1 very proud mommy!!



Dr J very kindly took this picture so I could send it to Mike:



Best birthday present ever!!!
But little did I know that would be the last time I would see my baby's heart beating!

The next appt I decided to make for 2 weeks time. It was Wednesday 9 March. I was actually rather excited for this scan. After a very good last scan I was convinced that this was it - I had allowed myself to get excited!
But when I saw the look on Dr J's face when she was scanning - I just knew. My heart just sank and I felt physically ill. She looked at Mike and I and said those damn dreaded words again - "I'm sorry!" She took me in her arms while Mike needed to cancel a meeting he was supposed to be rushing off to. She hugged me and we both just cried. She spoke about the procedure again and I had to get all the hospital codes again.
Mike was going away for the next few days so thank goodness my mom could fly down to be with me. It broke Mike's heart to not be there but he needed to go and I knew what to expect. It didn't make it easier but I knew how to prepare myself.

Friday 11 March came and I was admitted for the "Evacuation of Uterus". The worst part for me is signing that form that gives them permission to burn all contents of your uterus...... I choke up every time I have to sign it! Thats not the contents of my uterus - thats my baby!!!
My precious mom and mom-in-law sat with me at the hospital that day and bonded while I was in theatre. My mom took this pic of me - it may not be the glowing, bulging pregnancy pic that others take but it was mine that day:

She sent it to Mike.


The worst part of that day was lying in the hospital bed, in the theatre waiting area, waiting for Dr J and lying next to a pregnant woman and he husband all excited to have a ceasar - that was complete and utter heartbreaking torture! I told Dr J I wanted to have the fetus tested to find out what went wrong. Perhaps we could get closer to some answers?
Waking up after the op and reality hits and the empty feeling starts settling in - the feeling that I knew all too well! I hated it! Coming home and life just goes on is very difficult.

A few very difficult, challenging and heartbreaking days and weeks lay ahead.........